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July 10, 2008
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Dork vs. Dork: Hellboy II Guillermo del Toro, The Dark Crystal called, they want their art direction back please. The unwarranted follow-up to the first disappointing translation of Mike Mignola’s X-Files/JohnWayne/Brothers Grimm Hellboy fails to entice me. Even with comic creator Mignola on board, the celluloid adaptation was and will continue to be an insufferable mess. Once sinister and atmospheric adversaries were diluted into tchotchke-laden COBRA figures led by a cringingly boring demon-opus. Hellboy lost his gruff charm and was reduced to a quipping oaf in WWE body paint. Largely bouyed by del Toro’s misbegotten Oscar nods and his willingness to unpack all of Pan’s Labrinyth’s muppets, Hellboy 2 will unchallengingly skate through its weekend, one week ahead of The Dark Knight. The titular Golden Army, a legion of goblin mecha driven by goth elves, is pretty damn stupid even by my standards and I have an alarmingly large collection of books written from a vampire’s point of view. Sprinkle in the comic schlubbery of Jeffrey Tambor and the joke-a-century antics of Seth McFarlane (Family Guy) and I’m afraid I can’t condone the noble intentions that propel this poor man’s Neil Gaiman of a story. — Glenn Given Dan Responds Of course the second Hellboy movie will be excellent. Of course. Even contemplating how Hellboy II: The Golden Army could possibly fail is heresy. The second Hellboy movie has everything that made the first movie great, and sheds the few small negatives that slightly dragged it down. The bland Rupert Evans as the clueless agent John Myers is gone, replaced by, I don’t know, more Hellboy hitting things and making snarky remarks, let’s say. The origin story is now unnecessary, replaced by a whole army of demons, “hell” bent on taking over Earth. Those demons will be harnessed by the great Mexican director Guillermo del Toro of Pan’s Labyrinth fame. What could be simpler and more beautiful: Ron Perlman in the role he was meant to play, crackin’ wise as he beats the be-jesus out of a whole host of crazy demons. Throw in fire-starter Selma Blair and Abe Sapien and you have a summer blockbuster. Let’s face it folks, in a head to head with Hancock against Hellboy, Will Smith is going to be just a hazy superhero memory. — Dan Szczesny Glenn Responds
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07/03/2008 Hancock
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