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August 14, 2008
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Dork vs. Dork: Star Wars: The Clone Wars I’m sorry; is this the Pee Wee Hockey Dork vs. Dork league? Last week with the third Mummy film and now the tee-ball challenge of a toss-off Star Wars flick? Well, here we get more of what everybody was clamouring for from the prequels, Anakin “acting,” precocious sidekicks and unimaginative battles. There was hope in Revenge of the Sith that Lucas had either resparked a bit of creativity or at least handed the reins to somebody a little less addle-brained. Thankfully, though, my fortune-telling business will not suffer such blows to credibilty by prognosticating empty promises as this latest shill for cash illustrates. The Clone Wars (and really, wars? is there more than one war here?) takes what was tolerable and mildy clever as two-minute micro-sketches of Star Wars action and stretches the taffy of yawn-worthy robot-hacking into eternity. Are they fighting on an ice planet or a fire planet or a spiral staircase planet or what the hell an upside-down, sheer cliff of barbed wire planet? Oh look! A new Sith action figure who uses two lightsabers and is a goth chick! Sorry, Georgie, I’ve run out of patience for two-hour toy commercials. I know you’re working hard on the to let viewers throw their credit cards at the screen and have plastic schlock FedExed to their base-partments and I applaud your craven capitalism. Keep reaching for that star, then trademark it and sue anybody who wishes upon it, you sleaze. — Glenn Given Dan Responds Dear George Lucas, This is it, this is your last chance. I know we’ve had our differences, what with your being the destroyer of childhood memories and all. And I know I’ve spoken ill of you in the past, like that time I called you the souless, atrocity-committing vampire of all that’s enjoyable about the movies and life as we know it. But this time, it can be different. This time, everything is working in your favor. First, Star Wars: The Clone Wars is animated, giving you free rein to defy physics and the laws of God and man without having to explain much. Second, there are no real actors — in fact almost none of the original actors are there to do their characters’ voices. That means you don’t have to deal with real people and their actual skills and feelings. And I know how much you hate dealing with actual people. Third, you also didn’t write the screenplay. This is particularly encouraging as your screenwriters might not suffer from the same aversion to actual speech and dialog as you do. Finally, you’re not directing and Dave Filoni has done ... well, he’s done nothing actually, but that’s a good thing! It means he might have some spirit and enthusiasm that hasn’t been beaten out of him by years of your relentless, cruel oppression. Anyway, George Lucas, for the first time in a long while, I’m looking forward to one of your movies. Don’t make me regret it. Again. — Dan J. Szczesny Glenn Responds
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07/31/2008 The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emporer 07/24/2008 The X-Files 2
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