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May 21, 2009
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Dork vs. Dork: Terminator Salvation More like robutts. C’mon now, I think we’ve beaten the corpse of James Cameron’s sole novel idea into a fine powder. Did we really deserve another thwack across the gob with the “I don’t understand how time actually works” bat? And to staple it to the coattails of apparent Welsh psychopath Christian Bale as an all-growed-up Eddie Furlong? Ms. Take, Table for one! Hrmm, let me guess, Bale is going to heavy metal grunt his lines like an ape cast in a Beckett play by some coke-addled theater visionary. And the supporting cast of ... oh wait who the deuce are these no-listers. Common! A-ha! The poor man’s will.i.am (himself a poor man’s Ice-T) is the only name on the list that stands out and it does so as a dire warning! But at least they have robots that turn into motorcycles and jet planes. That’s what I’ve always loved about the Terminator series, its originality. I mean who could have come up with the idea that robots we create would turn on us and kill us all. That is why the big bucks go to the seven writers it took to cobble together a script that is essentially Terminator 2 but, like, in the desert and with more explosions. I’m as big a fan of systematically exterminating the human race as I think we all are. But if you’re going to make a movie about it, at least try to spin some new ideas in there. — Glenn Given Dan Responds Fine, fine, after studying the production list for Terminator: Salvation, I’ve concluded that this is the perfect storm of awfulness; so bad it has to be good. Like Battlefield Earth before the Scientologists “cleaned it up.” Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, we present director McG (yup, that’s his name), whose major credits include Offspring videos and the Charlie’s Angels movies. Also on this team is writer John Brancato. I’m willing to bet that his movies receive the most Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment of any modern writer — remember how much fun you had getting drunk and shouting lines at late-night TV to Catwoman, Primeval and The Net 2.0? Yeah, all his work. Priceless! And the cast! Oh my, cheese this stinky just has to be tasty! Have any of you been wondering what ever happened to Helen Bonham Carter? Here’s your answer! Ron Howard’s daughter? Present and accounted for, sir! And finally, Micheal Ironside. Oh, I’ll bet he plays a general? Bingo! And let’s not forget Christian Bale, who will no doubt chew the scenery like an untrained chihuahua. Folks, imagine yourself sitting with a bunch of friends eating take-out food and dreaming up the worst cast for the worst genre series with the worst production team you can imagine. Then, some Hollywood producer sitting at the table next to you comes over and says “Guys, I like what I’m hearing. Here’s 50 million bucks, go make that movie!” How much fun would that be? — Dan Szczesny Glenn Responds
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04/30/2009 X-Men Origins: Wolverine
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