Kiddie Pool 21/07/15

Family fun for the weekend

Summer of movies

Head to Greeley Park (100 Concord St. in Nashua) on Friday, July 16, at dusk for a screening of Abominable (PG, 2019), an animated movie about a girl and her friends in Shanghai who help a Yeti return to his family in the Himalayas. The screening is part of Nashua’s SummerFun lineup of activities; see nashuanh.gov.

Check out Space Jam: A New Legacy(PG, 2021), the update on the 1990s mix of Looney Tunes characters and live human basketball players that opens on Friday, July 16 (in theaters and on HBO Max). See a sensory-friendly screening on Saturday, July 17, at 10 a.m. at O’neil Cinemas at Brickyard Square in Epping (24 Calef Highway; 679-3529, oneilcinemas.com). The screening takes place in a theater where the sound is down and the lights are up.

O’neil’s summer kids movies series continues by celebrating Christmas in July with Elf (PG, 2003) screening Monday, July 19, and Wednesday, July 21, at 10 a.m. Tickets to the screening cost $2 for kids ages 11 and under and $3 for ages 13 and up. A $5 popcorn and drink combo is also for sale.

Before the fourth movie (Hotel Transylvania: Transformania) comes out this October, check out the original Hotel Transylvania (PG, 2012), featuring the voice work of Adam Sandler, at Chunky’s Cinema Pub (707 Huse Road in Manchester; 151 Coliseum Ave. in Nashua; 150 Bridge St. in Pelham, chunkys.com) on Wednesday, July 21, at 11:30 a.m. The screening is a “Little Lunch Date,” with kid-friendly lighting. Reserve tickets in advance with $5 food vouchers.

This weekend at all three Chunky’s, try to win some sweet prizes at Theater Candy Bingo on Sunday, July 18, at 6:30 p.m. Admission costs $4.99 plus one theater candy.

Summer of performances

The Palace Theatre (80 Hanover St. in Manchester; palacetheatre.org, 668-5588) continues its 2021 Bank of New Hampshire Children’s Summer Series. Finishing up this week’s run, catch Peter Pan on Thursday, July 15. Next week, the production is Wizard of Oz, Tuesday, July 20, through Thursday, July 22. Showtimes are at 10 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. and tickets cost $10 per person.

The Everlasting Characters, a group of fairytale character performers, will present “Royal Ball,” a free show at the Pelham Village Green (in front of the library at 24 Village Green) on Wednesday, July 21, from 6 to 8 p.m. Meet the characters, take a photo with them and play games, according to the website pelhamcommunityspirit.org/sponsored-events/concerts-on-the-village-green. The event is free and kids are encouraged to come in their favorite fairy tale outfits, the site said.

Or check out children’s musician Steve Blunt, who will perform a free kids concert at Ordway Park (Main Street in Hampstead) on Wednesday, July 21, at 6 p.m. See hampsteadconcerts.com/concert-series for more about the events; find out more about the Nashua-based Blunt at steveblunt.com, where you can find videos of some of his songs.

At the Sofaplex 21/07/08

Summer of Soul (PG-13)

Questlove (billed here as Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson) directs this documentary/concert film about the 1969 Harlem Cultural Festival, a series of awesome concerts that took place in a park in Harlem. The concerts were free and, based on the crowd shots throughout the footage of the concerts, they brought in an audience of all ages from the surrounding community of Black and Latin American neighborhoods — we see little kids next to parents, teens and 20-somethings, middle-aged people and older concertgoers. The music reflects this too, with performances of soul, blues, gospel, funk, jazz, Afro-Latin music, African music, pop and Motown. In addition to these performances, the documentary gives us interviews with some of the artists who performed, their kids, concertgoers, music fans (including Chris Rock and Lin-Manuel Miranda and his father, Luis Miranda) and those with insight on how the concerts were put together.

Perhaps the most shocking element of this knock-out collection of talent under one performance umbrella is that the series was filmed but then sat, unsold, even after a promoter went out trying to pitch it as the “Black Woodstock.” This movie starts to right that cultural wrong, which also puts the concert in the political context of the time.

Thank you, Questlove, for bringing Summer of Soul (…Or When the Revolution Could Not Be Televised) to a wide audience. Now please find a way to release an extended soundtrack album. A+ Available on Hulu and in theaters.

Dream Horse (PG)

Toni Collette, Damian Lewis.

If your initial response to this movie was sort of “meh, horse movie,” the better bucket to put it in would be the one with Calendar Girls, Full Monty and 2020’s Military Wives: Plucky U.K. community rallies around underdog competitor in whatever — in this case, it’s a town in Wales and the competitor is a racehorse owned by a syndicate of locals. Dream Alliance, as they call the horse, is cared for by Jan Vokes (Toni Collette) and her husband, called Daisy (Owen Teale), after it is born. Jan was the one who had the idea to buy a mare, hire the stud services of a much-lauded racehorse and pay for it all with a group of owners including her boss at the pub where she works, a coworker at the supermarket where she also works and others in her town. Howard (Lewis), a local accountant who was burned by syndicate horse ownership once before, is nonetheless interested in getting back in the game — even if he’s promised his wife he won’t do it again. 

This just-folks group of owners find themselves dealing in the upper-crust world of horse racing and racehorse ownership, with other owners seeming to look down their noses at the group and even the trainer initially uninterested in working with them. But, of course, who doesn’t love an underdog — when Dream Alliance starts to win, the horse and the group become The Story in local races.

This is a perfectly fine movie for family movie night (assuming an audience of probably about 10 or 12 or so and up; old enough to get enough of the comedy and to be excited and not bored by the talking and the races). I think I’d heard about this movie most in reference to its being one of the first movies that film reviewers and other pop culture commentator types saw back in theaters, and this feels like the kind of movie that you might meet up with multi-generations of the family to see. It’s pleasant — well-crafted enough and with overall solid performances such that you won’t find yourself picking at flaws, but not particularly taxing in any way. These are amiable people to spend time with and the story is just charming and uplifting enough. B In theaters and available to rent or own.


The Tomorrow War

The Tomorrow War (PG-13)

Chris Pratt stars in the old-fashioned summer save-the-world popcorn movie The Tomorrow War, released on Amazon Prime Video.

Dan Forester (Pratt) is having difficulty getting ahead in his career (science something or other) but has all sorts of admiration from his wife, Emmy (Betty Gilpin), and young daughter, Muri (Ryan Kiera Armstrong). He’s in the middle of a consoling snuggle with the two of them while watching World Cup soccer when a wormhole opens up on midfield and soldiers come pouring through. They announce that they are from about 30 years in the future and are losing a war with an alien force. Come and fight with us to save humanity, they say, and, as news clips explain, the countries of the world eventually agree to a draft. The people drafted are both random and specific: They are men and women, fit and doughy, but most tend to be older — perhaps because, as Dan and fellow draftee Charlie (Sam Richardson) surmise, they will all be dead by 2052 and therefore won’t accidentally meet their older selves and cause a paradox.

When Dan is called up, it’s after nearly a year of the present sending soldiers to the future, with few returning and no sign that humanity’s prospects for winning the war are improving. He learns that draftees get very little training and not much in the way of uniforms; it’s just “here’s a gun, try not to get eaten.” The aliens, white insect/crustacean-y creatures, don’t have weapons (except for the sharp spikes that shoot out of their tentacles, hence their name “white spikes”) or even an organizing structure. They eat, people and whatever other animals cross their path, and once a week they go back to their nest-holes and rest (or, as we later learn, breed, which is why there are now so many of them). White spikes move fast and only lucky neck or abdomen shots take them out, so when Dan shows up in the future for his seven-day stint in the war, it’s clear that the outlook for humanity is bleak.

Dan, who once served in the military and did a tour of duty in Iraq (where he had a leadership role), is also a science teacher who has shared his love of science with his daughter. Charlie is also a former science professor who now works in tech research and development and makes up for his lack of military prowess with quips. Dan has a difficult relationship with his father, James (J.K. Simmons), who also has a military background and now has a shifty job fixing planes and skirting the law. I could list a few other Chekhov guns in the packed metaphorical armory of the first segment of this movie that go off in the final action set piece. There are a lot.

And that’s OK.

Like an Independence Day with a smaller budget and a lower wattage of stars, The Tomorrow War hits a lot of the familiar apocalypse action movie beats with a nice mix of shooting and explosions and humor and basically appealing characters played by actors who have more in them than this movie asks of them. It’s microwave popcorn fare, in the sense that it isn’t quite the fresh popcorn with real butter of summer blockbusters past and in the sense that you’ll be enjoying this one at home, which perhaps lowers the bar a little. If you need it, you can look for some deeper commentary about climate change and the ability of humans to come together (or not) when they really need to. But you also don’t need to dig that deep for a reason to basically enjoy this (long but forgivably so) lightweight summer movie. B-

Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi violence and action, language and some suggestive references, according to the MPA on filmratings.com. Directed by Chris McKay with a screenplay by Zach Dean, The Tomorrow War is two hours and 20 minutes long and is distributed by Paramount Pictures but somehow available on Amazon Prime Video.

The Boss Baby: Family Business (PG)

The suit-and-tie baby of the 2017 The Boss Baby returns in The Boss Baby: Family Business, a cute animated movie that isn’t quite as rich as the original version but is still family-friendly.

And by that I mean not only that it is kid-appropriate (for, I don’t know, elementary schoolers and up) but also all about family. In the first movie, Boss Baby, also named Ted (voice of Alec Baldwin), is the younger brother of Tim (voiced in this movie by James Marsden). Though appearing to be a regular goo-goo-gaa-gaa baby, Boss Baby is actually a 30 Rock’s Jack Donaghy-style corporate ladder-climber sent by his company, Baby Corp., on a mission. Tim deeply resented new baby Ted at first but eventually learned to live with him, in part by helping him with his corporate ambitions at Baby Corp., the company that is bullish on babies and tries to keep their affection rankings higher than those of, say, puppies.

In the years since, Ted and Tim have grown up and grown apart. (Actually, in the years since 2017, Boss Baby and Tim have had continuing adventures in a Netflix TV series called The Boss Baby: Back in Business, which has an enjoyably oddball sense of humor. For example: Boss Baby finds himself battling an outside consultant brought in to evaluate Baby Corp. managers and makes regular cracks about why you can’t trust the marketing department. In one episode, when the boys’ grandma fights with a department store over returning a blouse, she ends up unionizing the store workers. It’s weird and I recommend it.)

But now adult Tim is living in his parents’ (voiced by Jimmy Kimmel and Lisa Kudrow) old house with his wife Carol (voice of Eva Longoria) and their two daughters, second-grader Tabitha (voice of Ariana Greenblatt) and baby Tina (voice of Amy Sedaris). Tabitha has recently started at a new school and seems stressed out by its expectation for advanced math and proficiency in Mandarin. Tim, a stay-at-home dad, is worried that she is growing up too fast and growing away from him, not unlike how he and Ted have grown apart. Though they were once best friends, Ted is now very busy with his executive businessman lifestyle and mostly interacts with Tim by turning down invitations to come and visit and sending overly elaborate gifts.

This can not stand, decides Tina, who is, like her uncle before her, a Baby Corp. executive. She needs both Ted and Tim to help fight a new threat: Dr. Armstrong (voice of a very Jeff Goldblum-y Jeff Goldblum), the head of the international chain of high-achievement-focused schools (including Tabitha’s). Tina and Baby Corp. are certain he has some sort of shifty plan and they need Boss Baby to help them. Thus does Tina lure Ted to the family home and then dose both Ted and Tim with special de-aging formula that temporarily turns them back to roughly Tabitha-aged Tim and Boss Baby.

The first movie used the Boss Baby conceit as a way to play out Tim’s feelings about going from only child to oldest child with a pushy infant sibling. Likewise, this movie uses it to work through various family relationships — Tim and Ted, Tim and Tabitha and maybe Tim and his own sense of self if his oldest daughter doesn’t need him as much. And it works about as well as the first movie did, but this feels less kid-focused. Though he appears in a kid’s body, Tim is really an adult person with his adult person worries and the movie is more centered on those than on executive baby humor or kid antics.

That said, the movie did seem to have enough wackiness to entertain kids — there’s a lot of silliness with a horse, we do still get some “the horror of other babies” moments with Boss Baby. Goldblum brings a nice element of weirdness to his character who is a villain but not violent or particularly mean.

I think I liked the original The Boss Baby (which doesn’t appear to be streaming anywhere but is available for rent or purchase) more than a lot of reviewers. I still like the overall universe, as presented here, even if the sequel doesn’t quite match up. B

Rated PG for rude humor, mild language and some action, according to the MPA on filmratings.com. Directed by Tom McGrath with a screenplay by Michael McCullers (based on the books by Marla Frazee), The Boss Baby: Family Business is an hour and 47 minutes long and is distributed by Universal Studios in theaters and on Peacock.

The Forever Purge (R)

The Purge-supporting totalitarian government of the U.S. is threatened by an even more violent social-media-organized group in The Forever Purge.

Don’t worry if you haven’t seen or have forgotten previous Purge entries (this is No. 5 in the series). This movie sort of catches you up/reorients you in the Purge universe: The Purge is the annual 12-hour period when people can commit any crimes they want and apparently what they want is to wear menacing animal masks and go on spree killings. It went away for a while but is back now, thanks to the recent elections favoring the Purge-supporting New Founding Fathers. They were reelected because of increased crime and anti-immigration sentiment and something something The Purge will fix it.

This movie, though, isn’t really about the Purge. While we see two main sets of characters prepare for and weather the Purge, most of the story takes place in the hours after it’s over.

The wealthy cattle ranching family in rural Texas the Tuckers gathers at their large, secure home for the Purge: there’s the paterfamilias Caleb (Will Patton), his adult daughter Harper (Leven Rambin), his sullen adult son Dylan (Josh Lucas) and Dylan’s pregnant wife, Emma Kate (Cassidy Freeman). None of them seem to be on Team Purge or Team Current Administration, though Dylan has some general resentment because his father and everybody else at the ranch knows that he’s not such a great cowboy. Certainly, he’s not a great cowboy compared to Juan (Tenoch Huerta), one of the ranch workers, and this makes Dylan all jealous, which he expresses via racism.

Juan and his wife Adela (Ana de la Reguera) are recent immigrants from Mexico and are aware of the weird annual festival of violence of their new home but they are determined to make it work, especially Adela. They spend Purge night hunkered down with other families in a fortified and guarded warehouse. And yet she remains optimistic about America and their future as the Purge ends and she heads back to her life. Optimistic right up to the moment when she is trapped and nearly killed by some mask-wearing loons telling her that it’s “purge ever after.” The Forever Purgers have decided one day of violence is not enough and want to continue the killing until everyone who doesn’t agree with their brand of white supremacist fascism is dead.

She and Juan and their friend (Alejandro Edda) and the Tuckers trying to find their way to safety — which is eventually identified as refuge in Mexico — makes up the bulk of this movie’s action, making it not really about some “organized chaos” day but about actual anarchy and the collapse of society.

I’ll try to separate what has always annoyed me about the Purge movies and the overall “watching a reenactment of your root canal” feel of this movie with what worked about it — and there are small elements that work.

I have always found the Purge as a concept maddening, both as public policy (how does it reduce crime and stimulate the economy? Even in a bread-and-circus sense it seems stupid) and as a story-telling device. The movies use the Purge as a sort of dippy murder fest — either thrill killing or petty revenge — without going much beyond that. There is a general “saying something about wealth inequality” sheen on these movies but they don’t really say that much; “rich people are jerks” is maybe as far as it goes.

So what works here? The movie gets its pacing right. It takes us from Juan and Adela’s backstory to Purge night to post-Purge pretty quickly. And it keeps up the energy without lingering too much on grisly violence for grisly violence’s sake.

Ana de la Reguera is a fun action heroine. We are probably with her more frequently than with any other one character and she definitely has that believable, can-do butt-kicking energy.

The movie also has some visual cleverness about juxtaposing Mexico and the chaotic U.S.; one of the final shots in particular made me think “huh, neat” for the way it referenced so many other movies.

Overall, though, The Forever Purge was a bummer, but I guess if Purge movies are your thing, this is maybe one of the better ones. C

Rated R for strong/bloody violence and language throughout, according to the MPA on filmlistings.com. Directed by Everado Gout with a screenplay by James DeMonaco, The Forever Purge is an hour and 43 minutes long and is distributed by Universal Studios, in theaters.

Featured photo: The Tomorrow War

Kiddie Pool 21/07/08

Family fun for the weekend

Pick-your-own update

Last week’s Kiddie Pool mentioned some places to check out for picking your own strawberries. Now it’s time for blueberries: Check out Brookdale Fruit Farm (with picking entrance across from farmstand at 41 Broad St. in Hollis; brookdalefruitfarm.com), which has blueberries and raspberries available to pick daily (8 a.m. to 3 p.m. on weekdays, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on weekends). Sunnycrest Farm’s (59 High Range Road in Londonderry; sunnycrestfarmnh.com) blueberries and raspberries will be open for pick your own on Friday, July 9, daily from 7 a.m. until noon, according to its website. Berry Good Farm (234 Parker Road in Goffstown; 497-8138) will open for pick-your-own blueberries on Thursday, July 8, and will be open Mondays through Fridays from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. and Saturdays and Sundays from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., according to their Facebook page.

See a show

The 2021 Bank of New Hampshire Children’s Summer Series continues at the Palace Theatre (80 Hanover St. in Manchester; palacetheatre.org) with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs on Thursday, July 8, at 10 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. Next week’s show is Peter Pan, which runs Tuesday, July 13, through Thursday, July 15, at 10 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. Tickets cost $10 per person.

Mr. Aaron, a children’s musician you may remember from his pandemic-era online videos will perform a free concert in the park at the Belknap Mill (25 Beacon St. E. in Laconia; belknapmill.org) on Wednesday, July 14, at 10:30 a.m.

And get your tickets now for next weekend’s production of Moana Jr. at the Capitol Center for the Arts’ Chubb Theatre (44 S. Main St. in Concord; ccanh.com) on Friday, July 16, and Saturday July 17, both at 7 p.m. Tickets cost $15 for adults and $12 for seniors and students.

See a show — with popcorn!

The Summer Kids Series of films continues at the O’neil Cinemas at Brickyard Square (24 Calef Highway in Epping; oneilcinemas.com) with the screening of 2004’sShark Tale(PG), an animated movie featuring the voices of Will Smith, Renee Zellweger and Jack Black, on Monday, July 12, and Wednesday, July 14, both at 10 a.m. Tickets cost $2 for kids age 11 and under and $3 for older moviegoers; the theater also offers a $5 popcorn and drink combo during these screenings.

Families with teens and people who were teens in the ’80s and ’90s can bring their own popcorn for a screening of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (PG-13, 1986) on Friday, July 9, at Wasserman Park (116 Naticook Road in Merrimack) as part of the town’s summer movies in the park. The screening starts at dusk and the films are free and open to residents and nonresidents, according to the town’s Parks and Recreation website.

Science storytime

Add some science to your storytime at SEE Science Center (200 Bedford St. in Manchester; 669-0400; see-sciencecenter.org). This summer they will hold Storytime Science Tuesdays geared toward kids ages 2 to 5 at 9:30 a.m. The program is about an hour long, according to the website, where you can pre-register (as is required). Admission costs $5 per person ages 3 and up and $2 per child under 3 and the cost includes an hour of exhibit time, the website said. SEE Science Center is open daily this summer with sessions from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. and 2 p.m. to 5 pm. Admission costs $9 for everyone ages 3 and up.

American Independence Festival

The American Independence Museum (1 Governors Lane in Exeter; 772-2622, independencemuseum.org) is holding its annual American Independence Festival throughout July, both virtually and in person. On Saturday, July 10, from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., the day will include artisans (including people doing needlework, shoemaking, turning flax into linen and ropemaking) and reenactor groups, First Regiment of New Hampshire and Ladies Association of Revolutionary America, according to the website. Tickets are available online or at the door and cost $5 for adults, $3 for children 4 and over and are free to active military and veterans. A pass for all three days of the festival is also available for $10 per adult and $6 per child.

There is also a free concert on Saturday night with Theo Martey and the Akwaaba Ensemble at 5 p.m. (tickets available online).

Virtual programming includes a Revolutionary Storytime, which will be available on Thursday, July 8, and perhaps more for history-minded adults, a program on plagues and pandemics on Friday, July 9, and famous speeches on Tuesday, July 13.

At the Sofaplex 21/07/01

Good On Paper (R)

Iliza Shlesinger, Ryan Hansen.

Also Margaret Cho, who is absolute perfection here. Andrea (Shlesinger, who also wrote this movie based on a story from her real life) is a comedian trying to break into acting and, while appearing to kill it on stage every night, seems to be floundering a bit in moving her career where she wants it to go. After what she calls one of the worst auditions of her life, Andrea boards a New York-to-L.A. flight and finds herself sitting next to Dennis (Hansen), a charming, funny and smart man who manages to be all of those things while also mentioning that he went to Yale, works for a hedge fund and has a model girlfriend.

Andrea and Dennis hit it off, in a friend-y kind of way, and she invites him to her comedy show. He comes and they hang out even more, drinking at the bar owned by Margot (Cho), Andrea’s close friend. As Andrea explains in a (remarkably not annoying) voiceover, she never particularly finds Dennis attractive but she enjoys his company and they become friends, though the look on Dennis’ face always suggests he wants more.

This movie doesn’t go where you think it will go but I like how this story comes together and I like how it treats its female characters, Andrea and Margot but also Serrena (Rebecca Rittenhouse), an actress Andrea resents and compares herself to. While there is some movie wackiness, there is the sheen of real human beings in crazy situations here and I like that one of the themes of this movie is “trust yourself and your own abilities and instincts,” which makes the movie work for me even when it’s not uproariously funny. Shlesinger, whom I know mostly from her Netflix standup specials, is solid here giving us a character who is likeable but believable. Hansen, whom I still mostly think of from his Veronica Mars role, is exquisitely well-cast. B Available on Netflix.

Fatherhood (PG-13)

Kevin Hart, Lil Rel Howery.

Also Alfre Woodard, Deborah Ayorinde, Paul Reiser, DaWanda Wise, Anthony Carrigan and Melody Hurd playing Maddie, the young daughter of Hart’s Matt.

Matt and Liz (Ayorinde) are sent to the hospital for an emergency Cesarean, which is how Maddy comes into the world. But just a short time after her birth, Liz has a pulmonary embolism and dies and a grief-stricken Matt suddenly finds himself as a single father. He appreciates the help of his mother, Anna (Thedra Porter), and his mother-in-law, Marion (Woodard), and is even happier when they leave, even if he’s not sure how to fold and unfold the stroller or what to do when his infant daughter won’t ever stop crying.

After watching Matt adjust to those tough first months, the movie jumps forward to when Maddy is 5 and chafing at the rules of her strict Catholic school and Matt is just beginning to consider dating. How does he balance his own needs with hers? How does he know what’s best for her?

Though Hart is still funny here and there are still moments of humor in even some of the saddest scenes, this feels like the most stripped down I’ve seen him. He gives a good performance, perfectly capturing that parental blend of dizzying love, bone-deep exhaustion and the constant sense that you’re probably failing at something. It’s a more nuanced kind of performance than Hart gives in his broader comedies and he is able to make his character a recognizable real person. The same is true for the supporting cast, particularly Woodard, whose Marion turns her grief about her daughter into a ferocity about Maddy that even she seems to realize isn’t always about Maddy’s best interest.

Fatherhood is an engaging dramady with performances that make it enjoyable despite the movie’s sadder elements. B Available on Netflix


F9 (PG-13)

F9 (PG-13)

Vin Diesel’s Dominic Toretto gets even more reason to talk about family in F9: The Fast Saga, a rather slow entry in this “what if James Bond were a muscle car” franchise.

Dom (Diesel) and his wife Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) are living off the grid. They are raising Dom’s young son, Brian (played by Isaac Holtane and Immanuel Holtane), and they don’t even have a phone (really?), so when old work buddies/Toretto crew “family” people Roman (Tyrese Gibson), Tej (Chris “Ludacris” Bridge) and Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel) need to talk to Dom and Letty, they have to drive to the couple’s farm. (What do they farm, you ask? As far as I can tell, fancy guns and old vehicles.)

The trio arrives to tell the couple about a downed plane and an emergency communication, both involving Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell), the shadowy government guy from previous movies, and Cipher (Charlize Theron), a villain from the previous movie who was being transported in Mr. Nobody’s plane. Also being transported in that airplane, which seems like a super terrible idea, was part of a potentially society-destroying weapon, which means that when the plane is run out of the sky the baddies involved can collect both a piece of the weapon and a possible ally.

After some “I can’t get involved, I’m a parent now” from Dom, he eventually decides to join Letty in joining the crew to help Mr. Nobody. They head to the spot in Mexico where the plane went down but before they can learn too much about what happened, a local military force shows up. In the midst of what turns into a shootout car chase, another set of bad guys arrive, this one featuring a face Dom recognizes: Jakob (John Cena), his long estranged younger brother.

The Dom vs. Jakob battle serves as the center of this movie, and forces us to flash back to 1989 to the brothers as young men (teens? 20somethings?). The movie spends a lot of time on their relationship and how it formed the kind of adults they became and how Jakob suffered when Dom shunned him because “the worst thing you can do to a Toretto is take away his family” — blah blah blah, it’s a lotta chat that really takes the time away from the good stuff, like a scene in the present day where Sean (Lucas Black), of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift fame, straps a rocket engine to a car or a scene where some of our heroes are driving on a rope bridge after one side is cut.

Other things happen: As has been spoiled all over the place, Han (Sung Kang), who died in Tokyo Drift (the third movie) and then appeared in the next three movies of the franchise (because time, like gravity and physics in general, works differently in the Fast & Furious movies), returns here. Dom’s sister Mia (Jordana Brewster), who has been out of the franchise since the real-life death of Paul Walker and the retirement of his character Brian (to whom Mia is married), returns. This movie’s biggest star is probably the concept of magnetism; the movie has some fun with giant magnets in its various fight and chase scenes. An element of the final showdown involves space, which was great.

Yeah, I said space.

This may not be a popular opinion in the Fast & Furious community but I think these movies need at least a little action star power in the form of a Dwayne Johnson or a Jason Statham (the latter of whom was apparently in a post-credits scene that I did not stick around for because this movie is two hours and 25 minutes long and just enough with all that post-credits business, man). When Helen Mirren shows up to reprise her role as Queenie Shaw, mother of Statham’s Deckard Shaw character, you can see the difference between a strong screen presence having a good time hamming it up in these movies and the, uhm, not-exactly-master-thespians (at least, as this franchise presents them) in the main roles just sort of earnestly presenting some really silly dialogue. John Cena, who can be fun, isn’t given much room to play here; he frequently comes off as just sort of wooden until the movie’s final act. Theron really feels more like a guest role — it’s like even the movie realizes its bad guys aren’t that exciting and so it tries to dress things up with a little Cipher, all hissing insults and wacky hair.

Without big fun personalities having a big fun silly time and spreading that joy to you through the screen, you’re left with time between big action set pieces (which are the movie’s true big stars) to ponder the oh so many things that don’t make sense or aren’t explained or may have been explained in the last movie but no character details from the last movie are as memorable as the scene with a submarine-related car chase. Things like: Does the 1989 flashback mean that Dom is in his 50s? Actually, how old is anybody supposed to be? Is this really how magnets work? Is that really how space works? How does time work in this movie?

F9 isn’t the sort of movie that should leave room for you to ask any hole-poking questions while you’re watching it. But the length — much of which goes to the Dom/Jakob relationship, which I was never all that interested in —really bogs the movie down where it should be light and zippy. A merciless editor needed to get in there and slice a good 45 minutes of story. Depending on how you count it, this movie has like three villains and that is at least one and a half villains too many.

I wanted to enjoy F9; I have been looking forward to it for months. But too much of its runtime featured me impatiently waiting through all the yammering. I wanted more fast, more furious and less of the franchise flotsam. C+

Rated PG-13 for sequences of (totally, delightfully improbable) violence (including so much shooting where nobody hits anything) and action (magnets! space!), and language, according to the MPA on filmratings.com. Directed by Justin Lin with a screenplay by Daniel Casey & Justin Lin, F9: The Fast Saga is two hours and 25 unnecessary minutes long and is distributed by Universal Studios in theaters.

All the Fast

F9 wasn’t my favorite Fast and Furious movie but I am no less a fan of the overall franchise (heck, I’ll probably even watch this one again some day and enjoy it even more, freed of the whole “F9 is bringing back movies” thing).

So where can you find all the previous Fasts and Furiouses?

The eight-film collection — which includes a bunch of extras such as the 2009 short film Los Bandoleros — is for sale on iTunes for $69.99 for the bundle (as with everything mentioned here, this is as of June 28). You can get physical DVDs of that same grouping of movies for between $34.96 and $62.99, depending on the format, from Amazon. Even better, you can also buy a physical copy of the nine-movie set, which includes Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (a spinoff that is just a chef’s-kiss perfection-level example of this series at its least serious), for $52.99 for the Blu-ray. On its own, Hobbs & Shaw sells for $9.99 on iTunes.

In addition to buying or renting, where can you see the movies individually (preferably for “free” with a subscription service you already have)?

As of earlier this week, The Fast and the Furious, the 2001 first movie in the series, and 2 Fast 2 Furious, the 2003 second movie (and only Fast film not to include Vin Diesel’s Dom) are both currently available on HBO.

2006’s Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift, which features neither Paul Walker’s Brian O’Connor or (in any significant way) Diesel’s Dom, but does have characters who factor in to F9, currently appears to be just available for rent or purchase.

The key characters from the first movie are all back together for Fast & Furious, the 2009 fourth movie, which is really when the series starts to hit its stride (and where Gal Gadot joins on). I recently caught a few minutes of the super fun early scenes of this movie (Dom and his crew steal gas from a tanker truck while it travels at high speed; Brian crashes through several windows chasing a bad guy) on some basic cable-type channel. It also appears to be only available for rent or purchase but Fast Five, the 2011 movie that introduces Dwayne Johnson’s Hobbs, is currently available on Peacock for free.

Fast & Furious 6 from 2013 brings back a character who died in an earlier movie, as well as introducing the London-based Shaw family (in the form of Owen Shaw, played by Luke Evans). Roku says this entry is available from Peacock with a subscription as well as TNT, TBS and TruTV (all with subscriptions or cable service).

Furious 7 from 2015 brings in Jason Statham as Deckard Shaw and sends off Walker, whose real-life death leads to the retirement of the Brian character from The Life. This is also the movie where a car drives from one skyscraper into another skyscraper way up in the sky in Abu Dhabi. I’m not going to try to argue that it is the best moment in film but, like, it’s on the list. Pretty high. You can see this movie on Hulu with a Live TV subscription or, according to Roku, with a cable provider login to FXNow.

The Fate of the Furious (the eighth film, from 2017) is poetry — you get Helen Mirren as mum to Statham’s character, the beginning of a beautiful frenemyship between Statham and Johnson’s character, a superbly well-choreographed fight scene involving a baby, a car chase involving a submarine.

As with Fate, Fast and Furious: Hobbs & Shaw (a sidequel from 2019 with more Johnson, more Statham, more Mirren, Idris Elba and Ryan Reynolds plus the Oscar-nominated Vanessa Kirby) doesn’t appear to be available on a streaming service, only for rent or purchase. But I greatly enjoyed it and these last three movies — Hobbs & Shaw, The Fate of the Furious and Furious 7 — might be my favorites of the franchise and would make a great dumb and fun triple feature.

All the more reason to shell out for the whole package.

Featured photo: F9

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