It probably goes without saying that the name of this drink is a reference to a particularly awful dad joke.
Why does a melon have to have a church wedding?
Because it can’t elope.
For this drink, step 1 is to get a cantaloupe.
It would be nice to have some sort of assurance that you’ll be able to get your hands on a good one — sweet, a little acidic, maybe with a hint of musk — but in life, love, and cantaloupes, there are no guarantees. Cantaloupes are fickle. You might get three or four great cantaloupes in a row, then have your heart broken by one that tastes like orange cardboard. You might have been inflicted with a handful of duds and you might be considering giving up hope, when infuriatingly a good one will knock you back to Square One, emotionally.
Do your best. Squeeze the melons. Smell them. Take whichever of them gives you a whisper of a promise.
Secondly, you’ll want a little 2-ounce bottle of fruit-flavored liqueur, like the ones you get on airplanes. You can find a rack of them near the checkout at a liquor store. If you’re like me, over time you’ll find yourself buying little bottles of exotic booze on impulse, and before you know it you’ll find yourself with a drawerful of schnapps and flavored whiskeys that you’ve never gotten around to doing anything with. Today one of them will have its Big Day.
Today’s special cameo performance will be played by (drumroll) pineapple schnapps.
- 2-ounce bottle pineapple schnapps
- 2 ounces fresh cantaloupe juice – Scoop out the inside of a fresh cantaloupe, seeds and all, and puree it in your blender, then strain it through a fine-mesh strainer. More than one, if you have them.
- 1 ounce fresh squeezed lime juice – about half a large lime
- 2 ounces plain club soda or seltzer
Combine cantaloupe juice, lime juice, and the contents of your tiny bottle of fruit-flavored liqueur with ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake thoroughly, until you hear the ice start to break up into tiny shards.
Strain over fresh ice in a Collins glass, then top with club soda and stir gently.
Drink this with a straw.
Tasting fruity, and a little acidic, and a little zippy from the carbonation, this is a very good drink to have while petting your dog.
If you own a collie, you can call this your Melon Collie Baby.
Featured photo: Raspberry + chocolate. Photo by John Fladd.
