Author: Eric Saeger

Life in a Blender, Satsuma (Telegraph Harp Records)

So here’s this New York long-time quirk-rock guy, David Rauf, leading his band on their million-billionth release, a six-song EP that’s only slightly unpredictable (he’s not doing yelly punk or anything like that nowadays). The Rosetta stone here is anything David Byrne’s ever done (meaning everything), but I found this record to be slightly — I don’t know, comforting. Imagine Electric Six with NRBQ horns and you’re pretty much there, not that Rauf’s voice is Jello-Biafra-level crazy or anything like that, and the lyrics wouldn’t be conducive to that sort of thing anyway. On “Soul Deliverer,” for example, our hero yammers in a disaffected but volatile Byrne-like baritone about how he’s regretting drinking coffee at lunch (or whatever) and swearing to switch to water. But where was I — oh yes, comforting. I mean, I could picture these guys as a musical opening act for a comedian in Vegas, and not one of the unfunny ones like Jimmy Fallon or whatnot. No, I think Doug Stanhope would be a fit. A

Ilsa, Preyer (Relapse Records)

Sludge-doom metal isn’t my cup of tea unless it’s done really well and with some variation in speed, like, with Black Sabbath’s Master of Reality as its sentai. Kyuss is OK, for example, but Candlemass and St. Vitus aren’t, and Sleep is a bit too off-Broadway, if you get my drift. As with any genre, there are tons of others we could cover here, but this Washington, D.C., outfit reads like a tyrannosaur cage-match, relying on crazed, wounded bellowing on the vocal end, and not a lot of imagination with regard to the guitar riffing, which isn’t actually riffing but mostly four-chord mud ringouts (imagine Sunn(((O))) with a purpose in life). The subject matter is pretty dark even for my beloved homies at the Relapse imprint, and I’ll mercifully leave out the particulars in that regard. There are some straight-up black-metal passages that feel more like obligato checklist sign-offs, which isn’t to say there’s nothing at all innovative here, but, well, you know. B

Retro Playlist

As we await our Very Special Covid Christmas, let’s step into the Way-Back Machine and go over a few albums that may have been written about a little unintelligibly the first time around, and no, I don’t mean unintelligibly in the way that most of my stuff is written, I mean reviews that even confused me.

In February 2015 I unwisely took it upon myself to check out stoner band Jeremy Irons & The Ratgang Malibus and their Spirit Knife LP. This resulted in such run-on messes as “Alright, they’ve mostly been doing singles and comps, but what intrigues me is that they’re adamantly indie, using distributors like Carrot Top (local bands, you should really be taking notes if you’re releasing your own stuff) and AEC, all to push bands who are friends with owner Scott Hamilton, who is not the figure skater, in the same manner as no one in this band is the duckling-lipped actor you’re thinking about. Everybody lost? Cool.”

All I was saying there is that this capable-enough Boris-like outfit was using independent distributors. I’d have expounded further on the music, but it was pretty disposable, so I didn’t. Suffice to say that if you love metal, by all means, seek this one out, so that you can listen to it once and promptly forget you ever did so.

I’ve got a million of ’em, I tell ya. That same week, there was O Shudder, by the British quirk-prog crew Dutch Uncles. I actually liked that album, come to think of it, despite its indecisiveness over whether they wanted to rip off Vampire Weekend or Muse. It’s a weird but very good record, not that I probably enticed any of you nice folks by spitting takes like what I said about opening tune “Babymaking”: “…its winding, skeletal beat evoking Spandau Ballet after a marathon Orb listening bender.”

Pitchfork sort of liked them too, but I got over it. Meantime, I promise I’ll try to be less confusing in future. No guarantees, of course.

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

The new CD releases are coming hard and fast, looking for your holiday dollar — you should see all this stuff coming up! Now that we’ve dispensed with the worst Thanksgiving ever, which you mostly spent on the phone, trying to get Grandma to install the right video driver on her 2006 Windows XP computer so it could seize up while you tried to Zoom video her eating cranberry sauce, it’s down to the serious stuff, with the batch of new junk coming out on Dec. 4! For holiday gift-giving, I’d recommend the new White Stripes compilation, The White Stripes Greatest Hits, because it’s not horrible. OK, maybe it is, like, their fanboys will be all like “Why isn’t such-and-so song on here?” But who cares, because “Seven Nation Army” will probably be on there (the final tracklist hasn’t been released yet), and what else do ya need?

• Gahh, aside from the aforementioned greatest hits thing, the new release list is freaking full of live albums, comps, and rich musicians just asking for fans to send them beer money. Just looky there, it’s Arctic Monkeys, with their new album Live At The Royal Albert Hall, a title that also speaks for itself! Remember years ago when I was an Arctic Monkeys hater? You do, right? Well, whatever, if you like them, I can’t do anything about it, so like them all you want, with my Christmas blessings.

• OMG, even hipster-black-metal fraudsters Deafheaven are getting in on the live/comp gravy train, with their live collection, 10 Years Gone! Yes, there’s nothing I’d rather hear than a live version of this band’s typical songs, which always goes like this: blissy Sunn(((O))) part → metallically doomy Boris-or-Cannibal Corpse part → Bathory part. And now you know everything about Deafheaven and can brag about it to your little brother, who will be amazed by your cultural acumen.

• It turns out that not everything is old news and boring box sets or whatever, unfortunately for me! Depressing Icelandic hipster-dingbats Sigur Rós release their new studio album Odin’s Raven Magic this Friday! Now there’s an album title I can love; it sounds like the title of an episode of The Witcher, so it’s got to be cool! I couldn’t wait to hear what dreary hipster slop these crazy kids had cooked up for 2020, so off I went, first to discover that Odin’s Whatever is simply a recording of the band’s 2002 orchestra-accompanied tune, which is set to the Icelandic poem “Hrafnagaldr Óðins.” You guys know that one, right? It’s an anagram that spells “The Hamburglar Did It” sideways. As for the song, it’s just a slow, morose indie-rock joint comprising boring samples and a completely unnecessary orchestra, and it sounds like Vikings mourning an iPhone that got hacked by a bored troll from 4chan. Enjoy!

• Finally we have Tucson-based Tex-Mex-indie stalwarts Calexico, with their new LP, Seasonal Shift! Huh, how do you like that, it’s a holiday album! The first single is called “Hear The Bells,” in which the boy-eez sing about drinking mescal and selling something or other by the side of the road, I don’t know. Sounds like a cross between Everly Brothers and your least-favorite pop band from the 1980s, if that helps any.

Patrick Higgins, Tocsin (Telegraph Harp Records)

Just before the election, there was a pretty good meme making the rounds, in which God scolds Gabriel for filling the year 2020 with all the events that were supposed to happen during the entire decade instead of spacing them out. This New York based noise/classical composer is perfect for this apocalyptic period, focusing his efforts on creating “crisis music” with his combo of overeducated, over-Manhattan-ed music nerds. After serving in bands both rock and classical, Higgins’ goal these days is creeping you out, or at least bringing the listener awareness of how creepy everything is these days, this by making his music act as an organic, brain-bending x-factor. In the beginning (“SQ3 (I) Aletheia”), it’s a cross between maximum-crazy Jim Thrilwell and the hope-destroying soundtrack to There Will Be Blood. But there are other things too, of course, such as angry piano-bonking, slasher-movie string assaults (“SQ3 (III) Passagio”), chime concertos (“Tocsin 01”), etc., all of it washed off most elegantly in the end with a stab at Bach’s Contrapunctus XIV. World-renowned contributors include Wet Ink Ensemble, pianist Vicky Chow and the Mivos Quartet. A+

Suuns, Fiction EP (Joyful Noise Recordings)

This Canadian band has been around since 2007, making an artsy mix of neo-psychedelic art-punk. They’re arguably most famous for their 2013 tune “2020,” a wub-wubbing freak-electro joint that sounds pretty much exactly like what you’d expect to hear from a band of Martians trying to sound like Clinic, which I, at least, am fine with. This shorty EP is the product of Covid-enforced isolation and sounds it; the basic tracks for these songs come from older recordings that have been micro-analyzed and reworked with their trademark futuristic mindset as tempered by the sense of doom that pervades human life these days. Opener “Look” is a bizarre noise essay combining the smooth EDM of The Orb with the reverent nonsense-sampling of The Books, but that’s just the warm-up. “Breathe” features guest Jerusalem In My Heart adding a buzzy Albanian chordophone line to a couple of pretty neat loops; “Pray” bounces along nicely with some bloopy goth soundtracking. A

Retro Playlist

At this point there’s really not much else to do other than commiserate with others on the internet. The other day I got into it on Facebook with a couple of my old alpha-troll friends, a couple of European chaps who, like me, used to chase bad people off the internet for fun. It all started when the British guy posted a SoundCloud clip of himself playing a guitar line to some song titled “So What.” I told him that to me it sounded like Allman Brothers (my default response when light jam-rock isn’t hopelessly wimpy), and our Belgian friend said it sounded like Steve Vai, one of those old guitar hero-type guys, you know, the “rock stars” who nobody really knows except for nerds and other guitar players.
The Belgian and I were surprised to find out that the Englishman was actually playing his “axe” over a rip of a Miles Davis jazz tune. Miles is the most famous trumpet player in history, which you should know if it ever comes up on a test, so the other guy and I felt kind of stupid, which meant that we all had to start throwing mindless insults at each other. Being I’m not a “Miles-ophile,” I led with the defense that I believe “anyone who pretends to like everything Miles has ever done should be dipped in murder hornets.” Things devolved from there, as always, but I think I successfully made the point that I’m a casual jazz fan, not a Miles wonk, mostly familiar with his work with Sonny Rollins.
I’ve gotten a lot of pleasure and serenity out of all these years of reviewing jazz albums, the bonus being that unlike my British friend I didn’t spend many thousands of dollars building my collection, since public relations people send me new ones nearly every day. And the jazz world isn’t just composed of a bunch of bands huddling in unheated recording studios trying to get a good take of “My Echo My Shadow And Me”; there’s always a new angle. I don’t know if any of you remember this — OK, you don’t, but who would — but in 2011 I tried to get you to listen to Mocean Worker’s Candygram For Mowo! You should still check it out; it’s a jazz album but with a ton of hip-hop and house-techno influences.
In 2014 I mentioned Zara McFarlane’s If You Knew Her, which included a cover of Kitty White’s “Plain Gold Ring,” but other than that it was expressionism colored in her African roots, accentuated with such things as bird noises and steel drum bits.
Great stuff, but as always, all jazz is eclectic stuff, so it’s best to sample jazz albums before buying the vinyl versions. Unless it’s the Yellowjackets. If you see a Yellowjackets album, just buy it.

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• Here we go, the holidays are here, as evidenced by all the new CDs slated for release on Friday, Nov. 27! For our first inspection of the week, let’s look at the new Miley Cyrus album, Plastic Hearts, because it’ll probably be interesting if nothing else. Miley has stated that her influences for this record were Britney Spears and Metallica, meaning she’s still officially insane, but let’s not rush to judgment, shall we? I mean, if she can do this, maybe Bruno Mars will do a cover of a Death Grips tune, you know? Wouldn’t that be awesome, guys? But no, I’m kidding, Miley legitimized herself as a metal queen when she did the cover of Nine Inch Nails’ “Head Like a Hole” at the Glastonbury festival last year, but even before that, her appearance on the Worst Episode Ever of Black Mirror Krazy-glued her spurious new image into the public consciousness: She’s basically a hilariously overprivileged, 27-year-old version of Keith Richards, but with Auto-Tune. So this album (by the way, she’s also threatening to make an album of Metallica cover songs) is basically a Kinder Egg for critics, like, I know that when I check out “Midnight Sky,” the single I’ve successfully avoided for two months now, it’s going to turn out to be cheap and dumb, but will its Kinder Surprise be a toy car or a xenophobic Smurf? Whatever, the video is OK, if your brain doesn’t glitch out from being exposed to her usual overacting; it’s like ’80s post-disco, think mellow-mode Taylor Dayne as sung by Britney Spears. It’s survivable, is what I say.

• Ho ho ho, anyone notice that Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins is looking more and more like a clown version of Uncle Fester these days? I mean, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, per se, I was just making an … oh just drop it, the ’Kins are back, with a new double-album, called Cyr, this week! The only thing that’s ever stuck out to me about the ‘Pumps is that they have a real knack for making headlines, in rock ’n’ roll magazines, while only ever delivering room-temperature grunge-pop made even more inedible by Corgan’s Steve Urkel singing voice. But that’s just me, and you may disagree, which is fine, and I will simply agree to listen to the title track. Hmm, it’s like Kraftwerk, but with a catchy chorus. Does it seem weird to anyone else that the good old ‘Smashies are a ’90s band, and the ’90s were supposed to be an improvement over ’80s music, but here they are doing phoned-in krautrock? No? Never mind then.

• Billie Joe Armstrong is that little fake punk guy from whatever-their-name, Green Day. Since Green Day’s music hasn’t made enough money to buy all the Twizzlers he could ever eat, he’s solo now, with a new album, No Fun Mondays! The album consists of all cover songs, including Kim Wilde’s “Kids in America,” which was a finalist in the 1981 “Worst Songs Ever Made” competition as selected by the legions of Beelzebub.

• We’ll end the week with holiday cheer, as spread by Nova Scotia-born folk-popper Jenn Grant on her new album, Forever On Christmas Eve! It includes “White Christmas,” blah blah blah, and an original, called “Downtown Christmas Eve,” a sexytime chill-out with binking piano and an aimless but pleasant melody.

The Old Rochelle, Pony Steps (Crumple Crumple Crumple Records)

This band is too messy and cool for me to dismiss as an average fedora combo, even if most of the varying ingredients are there. Thing is, this Lowell, Mass., band, led by Bucky Fereke, has hit on something that’s like a zydeco-washed cross between Eels, Springsteen and ’80s-era Randy Newman. The up-front stuff on this record, starting with “It’s All A Mystery,” is party-time Cajun-pop, made legitimately listenable through the efforts of the band’s accordion player, Tony Cavalieri. It goes on like this for a few tunes, and then, as expected, comes a nice knuckleball, in the form of “West Coast,” an examination of personal rebirth sizzling with a squeaky clean Byrds-style guitar line, in other words stylized in the manner of every other indie-rock song made in the Aughts. That’d usually make me reach for the Tums, but Fereke’s battered yet unrelenting voice can be, as alluded, redolent of Mark Oliver Everett, even borderline Elvis Costello, come to think of it. I’m sure this is a blast to hear live, if this Covid nonsense ever ends. A+

Orianthi, O (Frontiers Records)

You may remember this millennial answer to Lita Ford from her 2009 bubblegum hit “According To You,” a Michelle Branch-style rockout in which the mononymed Australian did her own guitar shredding, something she’s done for a long time now, not only as a solo artist but also as a sidekick for Michael Jackson, Alice Cooper and others. The aforementioned 2009 album, Believe, earned platinum sales status, mostly on the strength of the similarly Avril Lavigne-esque stuff that was on it, but on this, her fourth LP, she ventures into other blends of familiar female-rock, applying a grungy Alanis Morrisette vocal to the Evanescence-drenched opener “Contagious.” “Sinners Hymn” ropes in the noise-heads with a brilliantly beaten-down mud-blues riff, and I suppose I’d love the tune even more if it didn’t rip off Alice in Chains, but what are ya gonna do. “Sorry” finds her trying Trent Reznor goth-electro on for giggles, at which point anyone into heavier music has to tip their hat. A

Retro Playlist

People who are old enough to have their mailboxes stuffed with AARP spam remember when ’80s hair-metal hack Billy Squier, a Boston native, once sang “Christmas is a time to say I love you.” In my mind, now that it’s looking like a Covid Christmas, I’ve changed the lyrics to “Covid is a time to stop being a sucky band.”

Like, why not, bands? There’s really nothing else to do other than reassess your whole approach. It’s either that or just keep trying to press on with the current plan, which, for most bands, involves streaming live shows from someone’s basement. That hasn’t worked out so well, at least from a critic’s eye view. I’m not the only one who’s noticed it; in a recent Facebook post, local veteran rock writer Billy Copeland noted, “The sound quality sucks. The singer keeps pausing to acknowledge all of the fans watching, and that reminds me of … Romper Room, when the lady used to look into her crystal ball and say ‘I see Tommy, and I can see Sally, and I can see Robin[…].’”

The more palatable option for bands looking to make a socially distanced splash, according to one of my favorite PR guys, is to spend no more than $500 on two professionally shot videos. I like that, but I’d always rather see bands getting better at, or changing entirely, their approach to music-making.

We’ve already discussed the possibilities that can come from bands changing their sounds, both the good (Fantastic Negrito’s dumping his Prince trip and becoming the best Led Zeppelin wannabe in the world) and the bad (The Horrors, enough said). But there’ve been others, like Staten Island indie rockers Cymbals Eat Guitars, who in August 2011 gave up posing as a lousy Pavement-type band and released the LP Lenses Alien, which, I noted back then, evinced “a talent for funk-chill, an ear for angsty hooks, a singer who can accurately karaoke Trail of Dead, and a gimmick (mad, mad bliss) — the whole Pavement thing was doomed from the start.”

On the flip side, we have trip-hop legend Tricky, a once-vital character in the Massive Attack canon. His 2013 album False Idols was too minimalist and wasn’t my cup of tea. He went “completely torch,” I whined then.

So, if you’re an artist or band, don’t just change for the sake of changing. I know, it’s totally Captain Obvious, but true.

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• It’s here, fam, Nov. 20, the next dump-day for general CD releases! What’s in the can and headed our way, don’t you wonder? Maybe an album of T-Pain burping complete Bach concertos through an Auto-Tuned mic? A Blu-ray of Cardi B giving twerking lessons while wearing a scowling “I Heart Beethoven” half-top? Miley Cyrus covering the entire Mastodon Leviathan album? (You know she wants to, seriously, have you even seen what she’s been up to lately?) Jeezum crow, I can’t imagine what sort of horrific monstrosities are on their way, for the final shopping weeks of this, Week 47 of The Worst Year Of Our Lord 2020, when marriage counselors and family therapists made more money than the airline, cruise ship and hotel industries combined, all while working from home in their Scooby Doo pajamas! Harumph, I say, old chaps and chapettes, look yonder, it’s mummified English EBM/industrial-punk veterans Cabaret Voltaire, with their 15th album, Shadow Of Fear! Hmm, it says here that Richard Kirk is the only remaining member of the band. What fun could that have been, with no drama over artistic differences? Boring! The single, “Vasto,” is a krautrock-electro thing, with no singing. It is OK, because at least it isn’t like some stupid Kraftwerk fanboy thing. Nice tribal-house loops, I shall allow it to live.

• Canadian pub-emo band Partner is commanded by two lesbian guitarists, Josée Caron and Lucy Niles! They won a Canadian songwriting contest or another, whatever, and then got semi-famous when their video for “The ‘Ellen’ Page” went viral, when actual Ellen Page shared it on her Twitter and such. Anyway, Never Give Up, the band’s new LP, features the tune “Honey,” a pretty decent hipster-ized nicking of Joan Jett’s “Do You Wanna Touch Me.” Totally salvageable tune; you might possibly like it, but also might not!

• Speaking of ambivalence, maybe you liked “My Heroine” by Canadian screamo geeks Silverstein, back in 2005, when you were a nerdy tadpole playing Counter Strike for 26 hours a day, but now you’re hopelessly adult and don’t have time for dweeb-rock anymore, yet you’re still interested to know that the band has a new album, Redux II, coming to your Spotify! The first single, “My Disaster (2.0)” is mostly oi-tinged ape-screamo, but then the Dashboard Confessional part comes in, and you realize you must drop everything and go pwn noobs on CS just like back in the old days, what are you waiting for!

• Finally we have my favorite stoner band in the world (because their name fills up almost one million characters of column space), King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard, with not one but two new albums! We’ll first talk about the new studio album, K.G., which includes a song titled “Automation,” a shuffle-y, super-cool, mid-tempo post-grunge tune in which our demented heroes try to make Indian sitar-like sounds with their guitars; you’ll totally love it, it’s like a s’mores of Queens of the Stone Age and Ravi Shankar. Now, of course, because it’s holiday shopping season and this band loves putting out albums every two weeks or whatnot, they are also releasing a concert album, Live In S.F. ‘16, which will include such songs as — oh, whatever, it’s all awesome, King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard everyone!

Raf Vertessen Quartet, LOI (El Negocito Records)

The term “avant-garde” originally came to us from the military, a catchall describing a small troop of highly skilled soldiers who went ahead of the rest of the army to explore the terrain and warn of potential danger. That military association has mostly faded from the public hivemind, which nowadays regards it as an adjective describing various forms of improvised, off-the-cuff art. After years of trying to “clue in” to avant-jazz, even the red-hottest of it, like this Brooklyn-by-way-of-Belgium drummer has accomplished on this, his bandleader debut, I’ve experienced several stages of self-confidence, but always come back to my musician’s sense that improv is three-dimensional, that the listener is observing personal, not solely musical, interactions. Here, the sax/trumpet/bass contributors do seem to want to expand on Vertessen’s whiteboard sketches, but the constant outbursts of (spoiler) unmitigated skronk really did nothing for me until the heavily syncopated “Fake,” at which point the band did sound like they had a common goal. Note that the whole record was recorded during two one-shot attempts, so, as one critic noted, it gets better after they’re warmed up. B

Fred Hersch, Songs From Home (Palmetto Records)

Album titles rarely ring this true. On this LP, the Ohio-raised jazz pianist, now 64, has made coping with Covid easy on himself by leaving his two usual-suspect rhythm-section cohorts out of it and simply solo-doodling with (mostly) some standards at relaxed leisure, at home. This guy’s a survivor; one of the first jazz musicians to come out as gay and HIV-positive, he was on the ropes in 2008, first suffering from AIDS-related dementia and then, promptly afterward, pneumonia. Unbelievably, after nine nominations, he still hasn’t won a Grammy, not that those are handed out like candy, and regardless, a Grammy won’t keep a person from contracting Covid depression. No, better to keep at it, to be the best you can be, and within this wide-open environment, Hersch reminds us that he is indeed one of the best, period. Playful versions of “Wichita Lineman,” “After You’ve Gone”; some deft rhythmic change-ups on “All I Want,” solemn modal ruminations on Hersch’s own “West Virginia Rose” — sweet escapism abounds. A+

Retro Playlist

By now it’s an established supposition that I may indeed have an undiagnosed allergy to bands in fedora hats, a fashion accessory usually reserved for bands that specialize in music I detest, like jam bands. If I see fedora hats on bandmembers, I usually expect them to play their guitars through wimpily affected Peavy amps, with the distortion knob set to “Don’t Upset Anyone.” I mean, it’s cool if you’re into that; maybe that’s on me, on my black-and-white worldview. My thinking is that a band either plugs guitars into amplifiers to produce loud-ass noise, or leaves them unplugged in order to temporarily to soothe the savage lager-drinking beasts who attend shows, concerts and after-hours fire-pits. I’m not much with gray areas, apparently.
That’s not to say I hate all fedora music. You know for a fact that I’m always nice to Norah Jones, whose Blue Note Records release, The Fall, had me gushing over its prettiness (if not its faux-world-weariness) way back in 2009 (“’Chasing Pirates’ — the lyrics of which betray a weariness with the stupid side of boys — is a shy chick’s ‘Like a Virgin’ in rhythm, tone and attitude”). As well, back in June of this year, I was quite impressed with her new LP, Pick Me Up Off The Floor (“she is officially a folk-jazz goddess … and at least she’s not trying to become a media conglomerate like everybody else who lucks into a hit record”).
And don’t forget Amos Lee. I always have time for that guy. 2011’s Mission Bell is still one of my favorite fedora albums, on the strength of the galloping “Windows Are Rolled Down” alone, but there’s plenty of folk-and-soul-tinged fedora-pop on board to love. Thus I am not hopelessly irredeemable.
(Note that someone may jump onto a [hopefully rickety] stack of milk crates and object that Lee is simply too soulful to be classified as a fedora artist, but that’s the whole point: My “Critic’s Tip To Bands” for this week is to avoid being boring if you’re writing fedora-rock tunes, a thing far easier said than done.)

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• Uh oh, gang, the new releases of Nov. 13 are on the way, and things are heating up, probably! I mean, the holidays are basically here, so all your favorite bands and twerking frauds plus William Shatner In A Pear Tree want you to spend the last of your emergency Spaghettios unemployment money not on food, but on albums, like you should, don’t be such a cheapskate! I haven’t looked at the list of new releases yet, but I’ll bet you there’s some OG rapper dude releasing a Christmas album, or maybe a team-up between Kellie Pickler and Dolly Parton, which could be titled Before And After. Wouldn’t that be funny? No? OK, whatever, let me put on my Santa hat and check the list! Whoa, wait a second, look, guys, it’s a new AC/DC album, called POWER UP! The title is capitalized, because seriously man, now that they’re all older than Betty White or whatever, Angus and his boys are seriously powered up! Ho ho ho, this should be awesome in every way, I can’t wait to hear the new single, “Shot In The Dark,” but first, look at Angus! He looks like a beardless Gandalf now, like a cemetery caretaker extra dude from some 1980s PBS show about Sherlock Holmes, so funny and awesome. OK shut up, wait, here’s the video, after this commercial word. Hey, why is the YouTube spam-bot trying to sell Cadillacs on an AC/DC video? Don’t they know AC/DC hates new cars, because the establishment is bad? I’m gonna email Angus on his MySpace or AOL, right after this song (man is he gonna be mad)! Ack, guess what, it’s the same song as “Shoot To Thrill,” like, I’ll bet if you heard this song and “Shoot To Thrill” played at the same time, you’d just say “Hmm, interesting multi-tracking!” Ho ho ho, all right, enough of that.

• I say, old chaps, it would appear that there is a new album from Yukon Blonde, called Vindicator! If you tend to avoid bad music, you probably don’t know about this Canadian indie-rock band, but for the record, they did have a No. 11 hit (in Canada) with the (Canadian) single “Saturday Night,” which was basically a meatless Canadian ripoff of A-ha’s “Take On Me.” Unfortunately they weren’t sued into oblivion for that, so now I have to go listen to the band’s new single, “You Were Mine,” because no justice no peace. I’m watching the YouTube video for the song now, and shocker, it has no hook, just vibe, like a way-too-long Gorillaz/Jamie Liddell mashup. I am now shutting it off and will try to forget the dumbness I have just experienced.

• The Cribs are an indie band from Britain (or, more specifically, because you know how people in the U.K. like to be specific: Wakefield, West Yorkshire, England, U.K., Europe, Earth, solar system, Orion Arm, Milky Way, universe). They have been around since the early Aughts, and everyone from England loves them, because they once made a song called “Mirror Kissers” that sounded kind of like The Hives. The band’s new LP, Night Network, is on the way, and it features the tune “Never Thought I’d Feel Again,” which sounds like a Herman’s Hermits B-side from 1965. You might like it, but probably won’t.

• To end the week, let’s talk about Fear & Loneliness, The Darcys’ new album! “Too Late,” the single, sounds like background music for a disco scene from The Love Boat, and is, thus, worthless, but I thank the band for playing.

Touché Amoré, Lament (Epitaph Records)

I usually swipe left on promos from the Epitaph label anyway, so this Los Angeles emo quintet owes me one. I’m not just being a jerk here; it’s no longer necessary for me to pretend that I can deal with more of the shimmery, downer guitar lines I’ve heard on so many OG emo albums. Much as I respect their workaday dedication, bands like Silkworm and Drive Like Jehu make me feel claustrophobic, like I’m stuck sitting in a musty room with way too much sun pouring in. But whatever, not knowing anything about this band I gave this record a shot, figuring it couldn’t be more morose than its predecessor, 2016’s Stage Four, which revolved around singer Jeremy Molm’s mom’s bout with cancer. This is fine with me, to be honest; the triple-speed punk-popping “Reminders” is melodic and hellish at the same time, coming off like a Partridge Family hit played at 78 RPM. “Deflector,” on the other hand, sucks, but in a good way, scoring enough post-hardcore points to keep me tuned in until the fade. I’d rather listen to this garbage than Pennywise, put it that way. A-

Dave Douglas, Marching Music (Greenleaf Music)

By the time you’re reading this, the 2020 election will be over, and its inevitable counter-reactions will have already begun to surface. I endorse the Nov. 6 timing of this record, because whichever way the political winds blow, regular people do need to make their voices heard. Jazz trumpeter Douglas, who owns and operates the Greenleaf Music imprint, put together a great quartet for this album, which musically documents the unprecedented protests of our scarily delicate time. It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard from Douglas, and in fact I almost hesitate to lump it as jazz: Son Lux guitarist Rafiq Bhatia figures heavily in the sound, tabling doom-metal-inspired heaviness and trippy Nels Cline-ish incidentals to this rich, solemn outing. It’s not difficult to grok where the band’s sentiments lie, of course; “Whose Streets” is the standout track, hinting at aftermath as it brilliantly evokes a windswept, litter-strewn cityscape thoroughly doused with hope. A+

Retro Playlist

I’ve talked here previously about how the coronavirus has presented record buyers with the chance to broaden their horizons, to try testing out things they might not normally listen to. You should know by now that I have no real agenda, aside from a wish to have all music legally banned from public places except for 1920s-1940s swing, as it might put everyone in a good, or at least presentable, mood.

You should consider yourself lucky in that regard. Can you even imagine how gross this quarter-page would be if I were some sort of irrepressible superfan of the Rolling Stones, or some other way-too-popular band about which literally billions of words have already been written by wonks and nerds? Just picture it. I mean, if that were the case, and I totally loved the Stones (I don’t), by now I would have filled this “casual stream-of-consciousness” space with random babblings about “super-rare” bootleg versions of “Mother’s Little Helper,” covering such obscure trivia as the time Stones’ amazingly boring drummer Charlie Watts left this or that drum roll out of the version the band played in 1986 at the Philadelphia Spectrum. People actually do write stuff like that.

You won’t get that kind of thing on my watch, no sir. I prefer sticking to the meta, and today’s theme is all-girl bands that were reviewed in past columns. You already know about ’80s band the Go-Go’s, of course; they were featured in a Showtime documentary this past July and need no further examination. I’d much rather re-raise a little awareness about Japanese band Shonen Knife, the original female answer to the Ramones for decades now. Last year they released their jillion-zillionth album, Sweet Candy Power, and it was, thank heaven, nothing new. “Opening track ‘Party,’” I said last June, “is simply the Ramones’ ‘Go Mental’ wearing wax lips.” Now, that wasn’t an actual diss, for the record; I just can’t express affection properly, you see.

Nor unfounded disdain. In 2013 I really wanted to toss Au Revoir Simone’s album Move in Spectrums out the car window because the girls were from Brooklyn (and plus the fact that they proved once and for all that all-guy hipster bands hadn’t cornered the market on purposely terrible indie-pop), but it wasn’t to be. There were a couple of hooks in there, so I just left it at that in my mini-review, leaving out the part about their being an absolutely dreadful band.

And that’s how I missed out on a Pulitzer, fam.

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• Onward we go to the next general-CD-release Friday, Nov. 6! You should be paying attention, because there are tons of new CDs coming out before ChristmaRamaHanuKwanzaa, after which will be nothingness and epic fail, when, like every year, all the good albums have been released and I have nothing to write about in this space except for goat-demon thrash-metal bands and reissues of 1960s Lawrence Welk albums. So what’s first this week? Why, it’s Neil Young & Crazy Horse, because they haven’t released a new album in like a whole two weeks or whatever, so here it is, the new album, Return To Greendale! Will Neil Young solve all our problems by singing about politics, like in the 1960s? Let’s hope so, because the corona-whatever is really harshing my mellow, so if he could do that it’d be great (Oh, whatever, I don’t know, you shouldn’t listen to me, because I’ve always hated Neil Young. I think of him as the Billy Jack of room-temperature rock, a fragile but indefatigable put-upon soul who gets girls because he can swear in Chippewa. If it hadn’t been for Richard Nixon, Neil Young would be working at a Denny’s, and that’s literally the thing I hate most about Nixon). Anyway, what does this whiny-voiced fraud want from me today, a review of his new single, “Falling from Above?” Sure, I’ll bite, I’m at the video right now. Ha ha, he looks like Rex Trailer. Oh boy, it’s a (spoiler alert) mid-tempo (spoiler alert) bar-rock tune that’s (spoiler alert) totally boring. Dang it all, he used the word “freedom” in the song to make fun of Americans or whatever, which means I have to drink a shot. Oops, there’s a sloppy, stupid harmonica part. Drink! OK, I’m drunk, because wimpy constitution, let’s move along.

• Wow, even at 52 Australian-British singing lady Kylie Minogue is hot, but enough about substance, let’s talk about style, namely whatever style people will hear on her new album, Disco. I predict the style will be what I like to call “awesome house-pop,” but you never know in what sort of craziness an artiste will indulge. Right, there ya go, as I predicted, the new single “Say Something” is awesome; totally ’80s-throwback stuff, like early Madonna. On the video, she’s riding a badass-looking horse and throwing sparkle-bombs at some Blue Man Group people or whatever. I love her, really.

• Well, how do you like that, my Kylie-inspired good mood continues into another blurb, as U.K. folktronica band Tunng will release its seventh full-length, Dead Club, within 24 hours of this issue’s street date. The single, “A Million Colours,” is sort of like an art-rock version of Gorillaz, with lots to like about it. What’s that you ask? What happened to the folktronica part? Right, what, you expect genre bands to stick to their given genres? Please don’t be difficult.

• Time to close up shop at the Snark Garage for the week, but not before I mention Meteors Could Come Down, the fourth album from LAL! LAL is an electro-world band, consisting of musicians from Uganda, Bangladesh, Barbados and India. The title track is super dreary but awesome, a Tricky-like trip-hop tune with an organic feel. OK, the more I hear of this the more I like it. This is awesome, go buy it.

Laura Jane Grace, Stay Alive (Polyvinyl Records)

Laura Jane Grace has a lot her plate dealing with being the most wellknown punk-rocker in the LGBTQIA community. Thankfully, this time out, she didn’t even bother trying to bring in her band, Against Me!, through some sort of awkward Zoom collaboration in order to express her feelings about and reactions to the ongoing social crises that have overflowed from the pandemic. But these songs aren’t psychically exclusive to people who are trans and whatnot; I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t be able to relate to the final line of opener “The Swimming Pool Song,” where Grace, wailing on her acoustic guitar, hollers, “It feels like the death of everything” in her sturdy Weezer baritone. Yes, Grace and her unplugged guitar’s only accompaniment throughout the record is provided by a drum track, but it’s no surprise to hear such powerful (and sometimes very pretty) stuff exuding from a study of prison-like isolation as experienced by one who’s already well used to it. A

Ryan and Pony, Moshi Moshi (Pravda Records)

This coed duo (Ryan Smith the guy; Pony, a.k.a. Kathie Hixon-Smith, the girl) were in separate Minnesota-scene indie bands forever until this joining-of-forces debut album, which has made quite the splash with the Twin Cities press corps. They were both raised on hard stuff — Marilyn Manson, Husker Du, Metallica and such — which naturally resulted in their team-up sounding like a well-above-average Arts & Crafts Records release, in other words Canadian hipster-pop with a much lower-than-usual level of worthless ’90s-college-rock gunk. Like Broken Social Scene, the duo usually sings the same lines, note for note, in a dueling-octave style that usually makes me barf, but they do have something of a hard edge within those confines, i.e., where BSS might place some stupid piano-vs.-xylophone part, these two jack the guitar energy, a la Len or [place name of one-hit Canadian ’90s-radio band here]. They’re OK; they should just move to Montreal and get it over with, if you ask me. B-

Retro Playlist

If there’s anything we’ve learned from this semi-lockdown, it’s that man, do we need some fun around here, you know?

In that spirit (if quite a bit late), I’ve decided to end our collective suffering and simultaneously pay tribute to the recently departed Eddie Van Halen by starting a Van Halen tribute band, called “Old Morons Playing Van Halen.” The band will play nothing but David Lee Roth-era songs, no “Van Hagar” stuff, the garbage they put out when Sammy Hagar sang for them.

I can sing exactly like Dave, and I don’t care what people think of it, which, taken together, is my only artistic talent, really. I was hired to be the Dave in the local Van Halen tribute band Diver Down back during the George W. Bush era, but the guitarist didn’t think I was bad enough. Literally. See, Dave absolutely sucks when he plays live, and this guitarist wanted authenticity. He was all set in that regard; he had every pre-amp and guitar pedal that Eddie used in his actual stage setup, like, he studied Eddie, and for some stupid reason he wanted his singer to be able to sing like the “live version” of Dave, not the “just like the album” version. I wasn’t going to fight the guy right then and there, so I wished them luck and left.

So why not? What could it hurt? What, would all the bands I’ve insulted or ignored over the years finally get back at me by telling their friends, “Don’t bother going to Saeger’s Van Halen show, he just sounds like Dave.” Um, ouch? I mean, no one’s going to go to shows for a while longer unless a really awesome band is playing, so let’s do this, local musicians! My favorite Van Halen album is Women And Children First, so we could just perform that record in its entirety, and whatever, “Runnin’ With The Devil” and “Atomic Punk,” you know, the good stuff from their first album.

Come on, guys, whattaya say? For the time being, for social distancing protocol’s sake, maybe the Mall Of New Hampshire would let us play in front of Macy’s (are they still in business?) and the crowd could adore us from in front of Mobile Envy. The little kids could dance, the people could spazz and fire Nerf guns at us, and it would just rule.

I’m serious, folks. PM me!

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• OMG, it’s totally the dump of new albums streeting on Oct. 30, coming straight for us, led by It’s Christmas All Over, the new holiday album from ’90s indie-pop gods the Goo Goo Dolls! I usually hate people who are upbeat during plagues, but during a Quibi interview the band’s irrepressibly happy (and why shouldn’t he be) frontman John Rzeznik convinced me that he is legitimately pumped about releasing an album of dumb old Christmas songs, because “2020 has been horrible for everybody, so let’s just drop the pretense of being hip, and make a classic Christmas album the way Bing Crosby used to do it, and stuff,” something to that effect. He’s so bloody enthusiastic that I’m almost believing in Covid Santa myself, and I hope everyone buys this awesome album. I mean, I assume it’s awesome, but Warner Bros. is too cheap to release any advance tracks, but I do know that the songs will include “Let It Snow,” “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” and “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” What does that all mean? Who cares! Everyone’s laid off, it’s never gonna end, and it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Merry Whatnot, guys!

• As I’ve gone over before, one of my Constant Readers has a crush on Faith No More’s Mike Patton, so it is my duty to mention the forthcoming new Mr. Bungle album, The Raging Wrath Of The Easter Bunny Demo! It will be full of “avant-garde-metal,” because that is the totally fake genre that certain critics made up for them, and it will be rad and awesome, because it is made of re-recordings of the songs that were on their first-ever demo from literally one million years ago, in 1986! Musical guests include former Slayer drummer Dave Lombardo (yay!) and Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian (boo! Or vice versa!). To be honest, I am not a Mr. Bungle expert, but I know that Patton’s other band, Tomahawk, is awesome, so I expected that the new single “Eracist” would be at least semi-awesome, and it is, if you like throwback thrash-metal. Kind of Venom-ish really. It doesn’t sound like a boombox recording, the way the 1986 demo did, so it’s hard for me to tell on which 1986 song “Eracist” is supposed to be based. Do you like old Slayer demos? Then you might like this. Probably. Or not.

• Oh great, there’s literally nothing I like more than having to drop everything I’m doing in order to try and figure out what Mark Oliver Everett, the dude from The Eels, is babbling about. Yes, it’s a new Eels album, called Earth To Dora. As with all new albums released these days, the plan was to promote the album through touring, but come on already, but it will be here regardless, spearheaded by the single “Are We Alright Again,” an infectious but ultimately empty roller-rink-hipster-pop confection that gets its strength from Everett’s world-weary baritone. As always, this is what Flaming Lips will sound like when they’re in their 80s, basically.

• Our parting shot this week is a quick listen to 1980s geek-punker Elvis Costello’s new LP, Hey Clockface, specifically its single, “Hey Clockface / How Can You Face Me?” It is a 1920s-flapper-flavored tap-jazz track, which is fine by me. Elvis sounds like Randy Newman now. Who would have ever guessed he’d turn into Randy Newman when he got super old? Besides me, I mean?