Author: John Fladd

OK, this one is going to be fun.

First, you’re going to need about a pound and a half of bee pollen — the Italian stuff, if you can get it, otherwise whatever you can get your hands on. After that, you’re going to need some small-batch bourbon. This particular label is a little hard to track down, but if you—

No.

And, of course, you’re going to need to sculpt some ice into—

No.

I beg your pardon?

I said no. Every couple of weeks, you come here and get very excited about some fancy, or exotic, or, worst of all, “interesting” cocktail, and I go along with it, because it’s mildly amusing and you seem like you need the attention.

But I just can’t do it this week. Do you have any idea how many soccer games are involved in the end of a season? And I hurt my knee in Zumba class. And my mother-in-law has decided that she’s coming for a visit. Not at Thanksgiving, not at Christmas — next week. Do you have any idea how much house cleaning that involves?

So, no. Don’t come at me with freakin’ bee pollen. What else do you have?

A Champ—

If you’re about to say “Champagne,” you can stop right there.

[A thoughtful pause.] What if you can get almost everything at the supermarket?

[Suspiciously] How many ingredients?

Three. Four, if you count ice.

Special artisanal ice?

No. Just ice.

[A pause.]OK, hit me with it.

Dark and Stormy

A Dark and Stormy is a classic drink. If you’re making it for yourself, it is cold, refreshing and quick to make, but just a little different from your standard highball. It feels a little bit like giving yourself a treat. If you’re making it for a special friend, they might have had it before and if so it might bring back that summer they spent with Fancy Yacht People. If not, it will probably sound familiar and thus non-threatening.

Ingredients

• 2 ounces dark or black rum — I like to use a black rum, but Meyer’s will work very well.
• ½ jalapeño or Fresno pepper — My preference is for the heat and flavor of a jalapeño, but they can be undependable. You never know what you’re going to get heat- and flavor-wise.
• 5 to 6 ounces ginger beer — I like Goya, but whatever they have in the soda aisle at the supermarket will be fine. Just remember to get ginger beer, not ginger ale.
• A lime

Cut your pepper in half lengthwise. Cut a little bit off the tip and taste it to see how hot it is. If it seems a little too aggressive for your taste, scoop out the seeds and membranes with a spoon; that should knock the heat down a little bit. If you’re happy with the heat level, put it in a cocktail shaker.

Muddle the pepper thoroughly against the bottom of the shaker. You can use an actual bartender’s muddler for this, but a wooden spoon will work just as well. I use the pestle part of a large mortar and pestle to do this sort of thing.

Add the rum, and dry-shake the two ingredients. Dry-shaking means shaking it without ice. The reason you’re doing that in this case is that the capsaicin in the pepper is not water-soluble but it is alcohol-soluble. That means that the rum will be able to strip away a maximum amount of flavor and heat from the chile. Ice and melt-water would only get in the way at this point.

Strain the rum over ice, in a tall glass. Top with ginger beer, and stir gently.

Garnish with a quarter of a lime. I would slice the lime in half lengthwise, then again, but that’s a personal preference.

Rum goes extraordinarily well with lime, and just as well with warm spices, like ginger. This is a cold, delicious drink that will help you get a little distance from the chaos and entropy in your life. This is the “self-care” people are always encouraging you to practice.

Though maybe not at work. Although it might make budget meetings more interesting.

I’ve got a firm rule for buying old photographs at flea markets; I’ll definitely buy one, if the price is right, but there has to be some sort of identification on it, so I can do some research and find out who the subjects are. I want to know more about them. Where did they live? How were they related to each other? What happened to them? Were there any shocking skeletons in their closets?

One look at this family, though, convinced me that they almost had to have a minimum of three literal skeletons. In the time it took me to get $5 out of my pocket, I constructed a backstory for each of these (technically unknown-to-me) people. I named the daughter Hortense.

From the quality of the photograph and the style of their clothes, I suspect that the picture was taken in the very early 1900s, perhaps 1904 or 1905. In very old photographs, from the mid-1800s, subjects did not smile, for fear of blurring the image in the several minutes that the film was exposed, but by the beginning of the 20th century the exposure time was down to a few seconds, so this somewhat forbidding-seeming family did not have to look this way. I get the feeling that it was just their default expression.

I don’t know about you, but I feel like drinking something bitter.

Negroni – Two Ways

Perhaps the best-known bitter cocktail is the Negroni, a mixture of gin, Campari, sweet vermouth and a splash of soda water. If you are a fan of bitter-sweet flavors, it’s a lovely break from the sweet/sour/boozy rut a lot of us find ourselves in from time to time.

One of the reasons you’ve heard of Negronis but rarely see anyone drinking one is the Campari. I like Campari enormously and use it for background bitterness in many drinks, but there are some cocktail fans, perhaps with less enlightened palates, who are not strictly fans of the red liqueur.

So here are recipes for two variations on the Negroni theme:

Mostly Traditional Negroni

• 1 ounce Campari
• 1 ounce botanical gin – I’ve been enjoying Uncle Van’s
• 1 ounce sweet vermouth – I’ve been using Dolin Rouge
• 3 to 4 ounces plain seltzer
• 1 very large ice cube

Pour the Campari, gin and vermouth over a large ice cube in a rocks or highball glass.

Pour the seltzer over the other ingredients, and stir gently to combine.

Drink while looking at a photo of Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck in Roman Holiday.

As advertised, this version of the Negroni is both bitter and sweet. The addition of so much soda is somewhat controversial, but I feel that the cocktail benefits from the dilution and carbonization. It is a complex, adult drink.

But pink.

An Alternate Negroni

• 1 ounce Campari
• 1 ounce gin
• 1 ounce sweet vermouth
• 1 ounce Amaro Lucano
• ½ ounce plain seltzer
• Another very large ice cube

This version is made in the same way as a traditional Negroni except that it replaces the Campari with another bitter Italian liqueur, Amaro Lucano, which uses different herbs and is less flamboyantly colored. The resulting cocktail is less frivolous-looking and doesn’t need the extra soda.

Is it bitter? Yes. Is it delicious? Yes. Is it pink? Not even a little. Would the mother from the antique photograph drink one out of a teacup? Probably.

Featured photo. Negroni. Photo by John Fladd.

Long, long ago, when I was a child in the Late Cretaceous, late September was one of the low-key best times of the year. That’s when the new cartoons premiered on Saturday mornings. I’m at the age when strong feelings of joy and anticipation are largely a pale memory, but at the time, the prospect of new episodes of Jonny Quest filled my world with a sparkle and wonder that I miss dearly.

For adults, weeks crawl by, seasons bleed unremarked into each other, and the next thing you know, you’re having earnest conversations with strangers about dental plans and snow tires.

So — what to do about it?

Another fall has rotated into place. Perhaps, the key to being more alive and in-the-moment might be to look to the past and do what our ancestors did to mark the change of seasons.

The ancient Celts believed that grain spirits were trapped in the last grain to be harvested and needed to be set free, so they would weave the stalks of the last of their harvests into a Wicker Man, then symbolically burn that and scatter the ashes across their fields.

My fear of confrontation is such that I think I’d have trouble murdering even a piece of glorified deck furniture.

Perhaps the best plan is to lean into our own fall tradition — Pumpkin Spice.

Pumpkin Spice Simple Syrup

• 7 grams whole cinnamon sticks, broken
• 5 grams fresh ginger, chopped
• 3 grams allspice berries
• 3 grams whole cloves
• 5 grams whole nutmeg
• 1 cup/200 grams sugar
• 1 cup/225 gram (ml) water

Lightly crush the allspice, nutmeg and cloves in a mortar and pestle. You might want to start with the nutmeg, because it is probably in one big chunk. You’re not trying to grind these spices down to powder, just to crack them all open to allow more surface area contact with the boiling syrup.

Put all ingredients into a small saucepan and bring to a boil. Let the mixture boil for 15 to 20 seconds to make sure that the sugar is completely dissolved.

Set aside and allow to steep for an hour.

Strain with a fine-meshed strainer, then filter with a coffee filter to take out all the bits of spices.

Bottle and label. Store in your refrigerator.

Because this recipe measures the spices by mass, not by volume, theoretically, it should work just as well with ground spices, but the end result will probably be a cloudier syrup.

An easy cocktail to make with this:

[Your Name] Special

• ¾ oz. pumpkin spice syrup (see above)
• 2 oz. applejack
• ¾ oz. fresh squeezed lemon juice

Shake over ice.

Pour into a coupé glass.

Drink with a glad heart, full of good will.

Is this a glorified daiquiri? Possibly.

A brandy sour? Well, yes, that, too.

Lemon juice and simple syrup are a classic combination, because the lemon brings a bright acidity, without too much baggage, flavor-wise. In this case, the heavy lifting is done by the pumpkin-spice syrup, which reminds you of hay rides and stuff, while the applejack, an apple brandy, gives the whole enterprise some boozy authority.

This is one of those drinks that you can make for a friend, and when they sip it and ask what it is, you can call it a “[Their Name] Special.” When they ask what’s in it, you reply, “Trust.”

Then you sit on the deck together and make fun of the squirrels.

Featured photo. Pumpkin Spice Simple Syrup. Photo by John Fladd.

I called an Über a couple of months ago. My driver got right back to me and said she would pick me up in just a few minutes.

I was enjoying watching the little cartoon of her car drive along the little map to where I was, when my new friend Shanikqua texted me:

“I’m pretty much there. What do you look like?”

I thought about how I should explain what I look like — my choice of jaunty tropical shirt, my gray beard, the twinkle in my eye — then decided to give her a more concise description:

“Hipster Santa Claus”

“Yup, OK. I see you….”

I’d like to say that I’ve struggled with style for my entire life, but honestly, I haven’t put up much of a fight. My fashion icon has always been Billy Joel in the 1970s, with a loosened tie and rolled up sleeves. I spent the ’80s and early ’90s dressed almost exclusively in Hawaiian shirts and painter’s pants. A new century, marriage and fatherhood have not brought any form of sartorial enlightenment.

Two things have changed that: late middle age, and the internet.

I’m not sure when it happened, but a year or two ago the internet algorithms learned my taste in clothes. I would be up late at night, arguing with the L.A. Times crossword puzzle, trying to explain that not every puzzle needs to have “Oreos” as an answer, when a pop-up ad would, er, pop up, and show me a really cool bowling shirt covered with skulls and roses.

“How about this, Boss? Wouldn’t you like to own this? It’s on sale….”

And the next thing you know, I’d be the owner of a Dia de Los Muertos bowling shirt, which of course only encouraged the internet to show me the clothing that a more interesting version of myself would wear.

And since I’ve started looking more grandfatherly, I haven’t had to worry about anyone taking me seriously anyway, so here I am, at a point in life where I should probably be looking at cardigans, actually developing a personal sense of style.

Which is how I ended up in a hat shop in Wichita.

I was drawn in by a spirit of morbid curiosity.

“I’ll just look around for a minute or so,” I told myself. “This is Wichita; you know that it’s going to be all cowboy hats and stuff I couldn’t wear if I wanted to.”

Half an hour later I had tried on a dozen different hats and been fitted for a for-real, no-kidding-around bowler.

So now, apparently, I’m that guy.

All of which is beside the point, except to remind you that Thursday, Sept. 15, is National Felt Hat Day. But of course you knew that already.

The felt hat

Ingredients

• ½ ounce or so of absinthe, for rinsing a glass
• 1 ounce rye whiskey
• 1 ounce sweet vermouth
• 1 ounce crème de violette, a violet-colored and flavored liqueur
• 2 dashes orange bitters

Rinse the inside of a chilled cocktail glass with the absinthe. Roll the absinthe around in the glass, until it has left a layer on the entire inner surface.

Add the other ingredients and ice to a mixing glass, then stir until thoroughly chilled.

Strain into the cocktail glass. Drink while wearing a felt hat.

This is a riff on a drink called the trilby, which is traditionally made with Scotch and pastis. It is whiskey-forward but sweet enough to make you take a sip, tilt your head slightly and raise your eyebrows. The vermouth and crème de violette do a lot of the heavy lifting, and would probably make this a little too sweet, if not for the bitters. The absinthe hovers in the background, advising you not to let your guard down too much.

How good is it?

You’ll be filled to the brim with satisfaction.

Featured photo. The Felt Hat. Photo by John Fladd.

I remember the first time I drank a gin and tonic.

It was my first week at college. There was some sort of reception with an open bar. (The drinking age in Vermont was 18 at the time — a fact that led to a great many questionable decisions over the next few years.) Being 18, I had never actually ordered a cocktail from a bartender before, and I was flying blind. At some point, I had heard someone mention something called a gin and tonic, and it sounded like something a grownup would order, so that’s what I ordered.

It was cold and clean and tasted like pine needles and magic.

Gin is like that. It is so aromatic that it easily evokes sense memories:

That time you were invited to a party on a yacht. The sound of soft music and clever conversation.

The smell of cigarette smoke and your uncles accusing each other of cheating at poker every Christmas.

Sitting on the veranda of the officer’s club in the jungles of Burma after playing a few chukkers of polo in the tropical heat, hoping to stave off malaria.

Well, your memories will be specific to you, obviously.

But most gin and tonics taste pretty much the same, right? We all have our own individual memories, but they’re all centered on more or less the same taste, yes?

That would be true, if any two gins tasted the same. There are some that are close in flavor, but others are staggeringly different. Gin is a neutral grain spirit (vodka, in other words) that has been infused with botanical ingredients — think herbs, roots, flowers, etc. The most common of these is juniper berries — that’s where the pine taste comes from — but different recipes might have very different supporting botanicals, and a few omit the juniper altogether.

The recipe for a classic gin and tonic is deceptively simple: 2 ounces of gin, 4 or 5 ounces of tonic water, ice and a squeeze of lime. Boom! About as easy as it gets — no shaking, no mess, 30 seconds or so of concentration, and you’re ready to build some new neural pathways in your hippocampus.

But four different gins might give us four different pathways into the forests, deserts and Victorian lilac gardens of your mind.

Gin No. 1 – Uncle Val’s Botanical Gin

I don’t know who Uncle Val is, or even whose uncle he is, but he knows how to make a gin. There are two varieties of Uncle Val’s, a botanical one and a “restorative” one. I eagerly anticipate trying the restorative one — I could frankly use some restoration — but we are talking about the botanical variety right now.

Earlier this year I got to check off a bucket list item and went to an actual fancy speakeasy, where extremely talented bartenders will talk to you very earnestly about strange and exotic cocktails.

“What am I tasting?” I asked. “The rosemary? Is it the beets?”

“Well, I hope you can taste those, but it’s the gin.”

“No, I think it’s the rosemary.”

My new friend didn’t bother arguing but poured about a quarter of an ounce of Uncle Val’s into a cordial glass and slid it across the bar to me.

He was right. It was the gin. It is very good gin.

In a gin and tonic, Uncle Val’s has a round, floral taste. There are times when you get a G&T in your hands, it is gone in two or three minutes, and your wife has switched you over to diet soda. With this gin, you find yourself sipping enthusiastically but slowly. It is complex enough that even if you aren’t a gin snob you will spend a very long time trying to identify the background flavors.

Good luck with that.

Gin No. 2 – Drumshanbo Gunpowder Irish Gin

A few months ago I went to an event hosted by the Irish Whiskey Council that presented a bunch of New Hampshire liquor people with five or six Irish alcohols. While not a whiskey, this gin was far and away my favorite part of the presentation, with the possible exception of taking a morning off from work to drink Irish alcohol in the first place.

Drumshanbo has a sharper, slightly more medicinal flavor. There are definitely some background flavor notes, but it has a crisp, dry taste that plays really well with the lime. This is the gin and tonic to seal an important business deal.

Or maybe to propose to someone.

Gin No. 3 – Djinn Spirits Distilled Gin

I stumbled across this local gin — it’s made in Nashua — almost completely by accident. I was looking for a gin to pair with a really aggressive flavor — goat cheese, in this case — and this was recommended to me. The theory was that it had so many exotic ingredients that at least one or two of them would pair with whatever you might try to build a flavor bridge to.

It makes a truly excellent gin and tonic.

This is another one of those gins that you might find yourself sipping slowly and thoughtfully, as you try to identify the background flavors you are tasting. A friend and I put a solid half-hour into it and finally — after detouring into some increasingly bizarre stories (including one about Elias “Lucky” Baldwin, the man blamed with introducing peacocks as an invasive species to California. A fascinating man. Look him up.) — decided that maybe maybe we were tasting green apples. This isn’t to say that this gin actually has any green apples in it; that’s what we thought we tasted.

Gin No. 4 – Collective Arts Lavender and Juniper Gin

Let’s say you’ve had a rough week. Not terrible — no literal fires or death or actual hair pulling — but a real grind to get through. Let’s further say that you’ve decided that you would benefit from a little self-care — a small moment of grace and kindness to yourself.

This is the gin and tonic that will help center you before a weekend of mowing or back-to-school shopping or intramural lacrosse.

What makes it so special? The lavender.

I know: Lavender is tricky. Not enough of it, and it hides in the background and doesn’t bring anything to the party. Too much of it, and suddenly you’re at a fancy-soap-in-your-grandmother’s-bathroom party. This gin gets it just right. It’s soothing, civilized and — kind, if that makes any sense. It takes you by the hand and lets you know that you are strong and attractive enough to handle whatever is waiting for you after dinner.

Featured photo. Gin and Tonic. Photo by John Fladd.

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s with the pineapple?”

The man says, “It’s Tuesday; I always wear a pineapple on Tuesday.”

The bartender thinks for a second, then points out, “Yeah, but it’s Thursday.”

The Pineapple Man slaps his palm to his face and groans. “Ugh! I can’t believe this; I’m so embarrassed.”

Did you find that joke a little frustrating and confusing? Welcome to the World of Pineapple.

Most of us have been there. You’ll be working your way through the supermarket, trying to decide what to make for dinner tomorrow night.

(You’ll probably go with meet-loaf. You spell it like that because you generally improvise it. Your mother never used a recipe for meatloaf, and pride or stubbornness or something keeps you from looking up an actual recipe for it, so you’ll end up winging it. Again. And like always, your husband or girlfriend will look at the vaguely loaf-shaped dish placed in front of them and ask, “Are you sure this is meatloaf?” And you’ll answer like you always do, “Yes, absolutely. Honey, meet Loaf.” It’s little traditions like this that relationships are founded on.)

Anyway, you’ll be walking through the produce section, eyeing the cilantro suspiciously, when your attention will be grabbed by a giant display of fresh pineapples. Overtaken by the Spirit of the Islands — Oahu, Easter, Coney: one of the islands — you will impulsively decide to buy one.

Until you pick it up and realize that you have no idea how to pick out a good one.

There is a lot of advice out there for picking a ripe pineapple and most of it is iffy at best. You’ll hear that you should try to pull one of the leaves out, or squeeze it, or heft it in your hand to see if it feels heavy for its size. (If you don’t know how to pick out a pineapple, how in the world are you supposed to decide if it’s heavy or not?)

In reality, your best options are to go by color and smell.

Color: Get the pineapple that is the closest to a shade of golden-orange as possible. This can occasionally be deceptive, but the deeper a shade of green a pineapple is, the more likely it is to be underripe.

A better guide is smell. Hold the pineapple in your hand, ignore the people around you and close your eyes. Imagine yourself somewhere warm and tropical. Imagine pushing yourself through the crowd at an outdoor market. Visualize an old man in a straw hat sitting next to a giant pile of pineapples warming in the sun. Imagine the smell that would come off them.

The pineapples, not the old man.

Now sniff your pineapple’s butt. Does it smell like that tropical marketplace? Even a little? If so, you’ve got your pineapple. If all you smell is your own rising sense of awkwardness and embarrassment, move on. (With all that said, you’ll probably have a better chance of scoring a good pineapple at an Asian or Latin market, where they cater to people who Know Their Pineapples, and who will not be trifled with.)

Ultimately, though, from a cocktail perspective, how much does this really matter?

Yes, you could get a great fresh pineapple, take it home, disassemble it and turn it into a Very Nice Drink. Or — and I’m just throwing ideas out, here — you could buy some of the pineapple that the people at the supermarket have already cut up for you, or even — stay with me — use canned pineapple. Once you’ve added lime juice and rum and a Spirit of Adventure, would you be able to tell the difference?

So I tried it out this afternoon. I made three identical drinks, using identical amounts of identical ingredients, except, of course, for the pineapple, and even shook them over identical amounts of ice for identical periods of time.

Using canned, precut, and fresh pineapple, was there a difference?

Yes.

Was it a Very Big Difference?

Not unless you had all three in front of you and could compare them. The fresh pineapple Aku-Aku (see below) was noticeably more subtle and pineapple-y than the other two, but the way I see it, an afternoon spent wrapping yourself around a pineapple drink — regardless of the pineapple you use — is better than an afternoon when you’ve deprived yourself of such a cocktail.

The Aku-Aku

• 5 1-inch cubes of pineapple — 85 grams, or 3 ounces
• 2 grams (.08 ounce) fresh mint leaves — around 2 Tablespoons
• 1 ounce fresh squeezed lime juice
• ½ ounce simple syrup
• ½ ounce peach brandy or schnapps
• 1½ ounce golden rum

Muddle the pineapple and mint together in the bottom of a cocktail shaker. Smash them together thoroughly. Really press the issue. Try not to splash yourself.

Add lime juice, syrup, brandy, rum and five ice cubes (around 80 grams). No, it really doesn’t matter how much ice you use, but since I had weighed it anyway, in the Name of Science, I thought I’d just put it out there.

Shake thoroughly for 30 seconds.

Strain into a coupe glass or other small, stemmed glass.

Face west-southwest — the direction of Polynesia — as you drink it.

You might be forgiven if you think this will be a fairly sweet drink — pineapple, plus peach brandy, plus simple syrup — but it’s a surprisingly refreshing and grown-up drink. The mint gives everything a faint hint of muskiness and sophistication. The glass’s stem keeps the drink cold. Your delightful personality and sense of inner peace keep the conversation excellent.

Take it from the houseplant I spent 20 minutes talking to after testing and drinking three of these.

Featured photo. The Aku-Aku. Photo by John Fladd.