Author: John Fladd

As I left the house for my weekly outing to the flea market, the nightingale-like voice of my wife called out after me.

“Don’t buy anything stupid!”

This advice seemed misguided to me for two reasons: (1) buying something stupid is the whole point of a flea market, and (2) after 19 years of marriage, the idea that I could refrain from that kind of stupidity is optimistic to the point of fantasy.

To my credit, I kept a cool head for the first 20 minutes or so of browsing. But then I found this beauty — a tapered glass decorated with a grouse. You can tell, because it is labeled as such: “Grouse.”

In much the same way as some people talk about making eye contact with a puppy at an animal shelter and instantly bonding, the Grouse Glass and I shared an instant emotional intimacy. It fluttered its way into my heart.

Which is how Grouse Glass came home with me. Now, at this point, you are probably expecting a rambling story about my spirited defense of Grouse Glass to my wife, or a pun on the fact that “grouse” rhymes with “spouse,” but you will be disappointed, because I snuck it into the house when she was busy and hid it in with the other glassware in our dining room. Now, Grouse Glass is mine and I am its and a practical matter needs to be sorted — to wit, what to drink from it.

A brief internet search for grouse-themed cocktails was unexpectedly successful. As it turns out, there are a number of whiskeys named after grouse — Famous Grouse, Naked Grouse, etc. — largely connected to the image of tweedy aristocrats shooting them. In consequence, there have been a number of cocktails named after them.

I took a recipe that was weird as snake sneakers to begin with and started playing with it. I ended up with something that is solidly good but that no self-respecting grouse would have anything to do with.

Grouse With No Self-Respect

This is based on a drink called the Dirty Bird. I have made a great number of changes and substitutions. Clearly the Grouse is not the only one lacking in self-respect.

Ingredients:

2 ounces Doritos-infused Irish whiskey (See below. No, really. It will be OK.)

¼ ounces dry sherry — I used amontillado

1/3 ounce fig syrup (see below)

3 dashes (30 drops) cardamom or Angostura bitters

1 dash (10 drops) Tabasco sauce

Mix all ingredients in a mixing glass with ice. Stir until thoroughly chilled and a little diluted.

Pour everything, including the ice, into a chilled Grouse Glass. If you do not have a grouse glass, a rocks glass will do.

Garnish and serve on a plate with Fig Newtons.

OK, you’re going to have to have a little faith on this one.

The original recipe called for infusing a grouse-named whiskey with kettle corn. I tried it — and it was fine — but it was understated, and this does not seem to be an understated drink. I got to thinking, “The corn idea is solid, but is there a way of giving it some oomph?” Hence, the Doritos.

Stay with me; we’ll get through this together.

The fig syrup is the secret star here. The whiskey hits your palate first, followed by the — believe it or not — somewhat subtle Doritos flavor, but the fig aftertaste is what makes this drink really interesting. It leads to a second sip, then a third. The bitters keep it from being too sweet, and the Tabasco adds a tiny amount of zing that keeps it from tasting a little flat.

Self-respect is overrated.

Doritos-infused whiskey

Combine one 1-ounce packet of Nacho Cheese Doritos and 6 ounces of Irish whiskey in a small jar.

Seal and store someplace cool and dark for one week, shaking it twice per day.

Strain and bottle it. (Don’t stress about how little whiskey you end up with. You like whiskey; it turns out that Doritos like whiskey. They deserve a little something for the sacrifice they have made.

Fig syrup

Combine two parts fig jam to one part water in a small saucepan over medium heat.

Boil until the jam is as dissolved as possible. Depending on what brand of jam you are using, there may or may not be chunks of fig left, after it is syruped.

Strain and bottle. Don’t worry about any tiny fig seeds — that’s what helps keep this figgy — but actual chunks of figs would probably be off-putting in the final cocktail.

Featured photo: Grouse. Photo by John Fladd.

With the approach of Midsummer’s Eve, my teenager has some thoughts about what we should be drinking.

Harvest: I’d like to briefly discuss Titania, the fairy queen of William Shakespeare’s play A Midsummer’s Night Dream.

She is strong-willed, powerful and, most of all, beautiful. In my opinion Titania is one of the only female characters that Shakespeare paints as equal to their male or masculine counterparts. He made her free-spirited; this is remarkable because women in Shakespeare’s work are often portrayed as subservient and weak. When Oberon, Titania’s jealous lover, decides to make her look like a fool, we see her true self. Titania, having been intoxicated by a mysterious purple flower by Oberon’s servant Robin (Puck), falls in love with a man cursed to have a donkey’s head. Instead of treating Bottom (the aforementioned donkey-man) as less than her, she treats him as her equal, showering him in luxuries and attending to his needs. This in my opinion shows who Titania is and why she is one of the best female characters the bard ever wrote.

This nonalcoholic cocktail is inspired by “Love-In-Idleness,” the purple flower in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. There is a mysterious, almost magical change that happens as the ingredients are mixed together.

Love-In-Idleness

Ingredients:
4-6 ice cubes
2 ounces butterfly syrup (see below)
6 ounces cold butterfly tea (see below)
2 ounces fresh-squeezed lemon juice
12 drops rose water

In a tall glass, combine the ice, syrup and tea. It will be a beautiful midnight blue.
Add the lemon juice. It will change dramatically to a rich, violet color.
Add the rose water and stir.
Think magical thoughts while you drink this.

Normally, 12 drops of rose water would be about seven drops too many. Rose water is tricky stuff and you are always running the risk of making something taste like soap. In this case — given the backdrop of Midsummer’s Eve — too much is just about right. Making this blue cousin of lemonade extremely floral is what you wanted but didn’t know that you wanted. The sweetness of the butterfly syrup plays off the sharp, acid sourness of the lemon juice well, and you are left with an aftertaste of roses — a little like a mostly forgotten dream.

A father’s notes:

First of all — and let’s get this out of the way immediately — this drink is delicious as is, but would be arguably enhanced by the addition of two ounces of a floral gin, Hendrick’s for example.

Secondly, some observations on butterfly pea blossoms:

Butterfly peas (clitoria ternatea) (Yes, I know. Stop it.), or blue sweet peas, come from Asia and make a beautiful, subtly flavored tea. When exposed to acid, the deep blue color of the tea (and, in this case, the syrup) changes to a rather splendid purple color. The blossoms themselves (which I purchased via Amazon) have a very mild flavor and are really here for their color.

Butterfly tea – Combine 10 grams of dried butterfly pea blossoms with 4 cups of almost but not quite boiling water. (Boil the water, then take it off the heat for a minute, before adding it to the pea blossoms.) Let the blossoms steep for 3½ minutes, then strain and chill the tea.

Following up on the Midsummer Night’s Dream theme, this tea has a very background-flavory character. This is not a Titania or Oberon tea. This is a Philostrate tea — maybe a Background Fairy No. 2 tea. Imagine a jasmine tea, but not as floral; maybe jasmine tea’s personal assistant.

Butterfly syrup – Combine one cup of sugar with one cup of water, and bring to a boil over medium heat. Let it boil for another 10 to 15 seconds, to make sure the sugar is completely dissolved. Remove from heat, then add three grams of dried butterfly pea blossoms and let them steep for half an hour. Strain and bottle. Store in your refrigerator indefinitely.

Featured photo: Before (left) and after (right) the lemon juice is added. Photos by John Fladd.

My blender died last summer.

I’m not sure what I asked it to do — scramble a couple of eggs, maybe? — but it made a sound like a dying frog, and slowly ground to a halt.

Oddly, I took this as a good omen. I had been dropping 25-pound hints to my wife about how great it would be to have an upscale, professional-grade blender. I’m not 100 percent sure if these thoughtless, insulting references to ambitious blending are what broke my old blender’s will to live, but I feel guilty about it anyway.

But not too guilty — I had that particularly dangerous gleam in my eyes that only 16-year-old boys and middle-aged men get. I really, really wanted a new blender, which my wife was fine with.

Until she found out how much it would cost.

At which point she gave me an ice-cold, steel-spined glare that the above-mentioned 16-year-old boys and middle-aged men are extremely familiar with.

A little more research on my part revealed that there is such a thing as reconditioned, high-end, professional blenders, that are slightly cheaper.

This revelation relaxed my wife’s glare by about 12 percent.

I suggested that I could put a little bit of cash aside each week and save up for one of these almost-new über-blenders, and got cautious, provisional permission to move ahead with this plan. Frankly, I’m pretty sure she thought that I didn’t have the attention span to follow through with it and would forget about it eventually.

Except that I found a loophole.

I had been throwing all my spare change in a large jar on my bedroom dresser for the past year or two — by definition saving up money, bit by bit. I made an appointment, then went to our bank to get the change counted.

When I got back, my wife asked, “How’d it go?”

I responded that unfortunately we’d need to go to the post office and get a change-of-address form.

Another confused but cautious look. “And why is that?” she asked.

“Because we’re moving to BLENDER TOWN, BABY!,” I responded, fluttering a handful of cash in her face.

Which is how I got Steve.

Steve is not a patient appliance. Every time I blend something, he urges me to use his highest setting — “C’mon, boss! Let me loose!” I quickly learned that while I could probably use Steve to grind a broomstick into sawdust, that much power isn’t all that useful for many of the things I actually want to blend. He is so powerful that on the highest settings, cavitation from the blades will lead to an air pocket that keeps the food from getting as blended as you’d think.

All of which is more or less beside the point, except to say that your blender — OK, my blender — is your (my) new best friend when you make this week’s recipe: boozy ice cream.

Rum Cheesecake Ice Cream

Put the canister of your blender on a kitchen scale and zero it out.

Add the following ingredients to the blender jar, taring the weight each time:

• 1 block / 8 ounces / 230 grams cream cheese

• Zest of 1 lemon

• 1 cup / 8 fl. ounces / 240 grams sour cream

• ½ cup / 125 ml sugar

• Pinch of salt

• 3 Tablespoons / 1½ ounces dark rum – I like Myers’

Blend. (At this point Steve chuckled evilly, and I indulged him. I turned the dial up to 8. Steve had a Very Good Afternoon.)

Put the blender jar in the refrigerator and chill thoroughly.

Blend again, briefly, then pour into your ice cream maker and turn it into ice cream.

Harden in your freezer.

So, here’s the thing about using alcohol in ice cream:

Sugar and alcohol have very important roles in ice cream, apart from tasting good. They affect the freezing/melting point and texture of the finished product in extremely weird ways. You are extremely limited in how much you can or cannot use. Do not try adding more rum to this recipe. Don’t try to find a loophole (yes, I’m aware of the irony here) and use a higher-proof rum – the amount of alcohol will seriously mess up your texture, and possibly your ability to make ice cream at all. Even the fairly modest amount of rum in this recipe dramatically altered my ice cream maker’s ability to freeze it. Normally it takes me about 20 minutes to freeze a batch of ice cream. This took close to an hour. (Steve did not help the situation by shouting disrespectful comments to the ice cream maker, across the kitchen, implying that if it was better at its job, it would have a name.)

This cheesecake ice cream is really delicious — it tastes spot-on like actual cheesecake — but the rum is definitely a subtle, background flavor.

That’s where the topping comes in.

A Possibly Misguidedly Boozy Blueberry Topping

Ingredients:

• 2 cups frozen wild blueberries

• 1/2 cup water

• 1/2 cup sugar

• 2 Tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice

• 2 Tablespoons cornstarch, mixed with 2 Tablespoons cold water

• 8 Tablespoons / 4 ounces Golden Rum

• Zest of 1 lemon (about 1 tablespoon), optional

In a small saucepan, over medium heat, stir the blueberries, water, sugar and lemon juice, until it comes to a gentle boil. Let it boil for another 10-15 seconds, to make sure the sugar is completely dissolved.

Stir in the cornstarch/water slurry, and keep stirring, until the mixture thickens noticeably – about three minutes.

Remove from heat, then add the rum and lemon zest. Let the mixture cool slightly before topping your ice cream.

Blueberries and lemon go together extremely well. This is a fantastic topping. Yes, you can make it without the rum for the kids – sub in a tablespoon of vanilla for the alcohol – but this is a really, really good Thursday night, bracing-yourself-for-one more-day, grownup sundae. The rum is deceptive. You’ll taste a spoonful by itself – this is inevitable – and say, “Yup, that’s a good sauce,” then go to put the spoon in the sink, only to be stopped in your tracks by a hands-on-hips, steely glared reaction from the sauce.

“Good? That’s what you have to say? Good?”

The ice cream maker might not have a name, but I call this sauce Frida.

Featured photo: Boozy ice cream. Photo by John Fladd.

I have a theory that the greater the classic rock anthem, the less objective sense it makes.

Remember in seventh or eighth grade? That school dance? It was probably the third or fourth one that you had gone to, but this was the first time you were brave enough to dance with someone. And, of course, you waited until the very last song, which was — obviously — “Stairway to Heaven.”

It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman. Or whether you were a boy or a girl at the time. Even if you haven’t thought about that moment in years, it is etched in your memory. As are a series of questions you had at the time:

Geez, how long is this song? (Just over eight minutes.)

Is there something special I’m supposed to do with my feet? (No. You’re 13. Just stay upright.)

Can this person see how much I’m sweating? (Yes.)

What’s with this weird bit at the end, where the music goes from slow, to fast, then back to slow, just long enough to make dancing incredibly awkward? (Art.)

And most importantly:

What does that whole line about a bustle in your hedgerow and the May Queen mean? (Nobody knows.)

Great song.

No objective sense, whatsoever.

While this isn’t universal, I refer you to the entire catalog of Paul Simon — or for that matter, Toto.

All of which is pretty irrelevant, except to say that this week, when I saw a little pink house, it seemed important to memorialize it. And my faded youth.

Little Pink Houses

100 grams strawberries — fresh are good, but frozen might be even better; they break down better in a drink.

4 grinds black pepper

2 ounces gin

5 to 6 ice cubes

¼ ounce white balsamic vinegar — regular balsamic will work too, but your drink will end up looking a lot like root beer.

1 ounce strawberry syrup or 2 Tablespoons strawberry jam

~3 ounces plain seltzer

Muddle the strawberries and pepper in the bottom of a cocktail shaker. If you are using frozen strawberries, you might want to let them thaw slightly first.

Add gin, stir, then walk away for five minutes. This will give the gin time to extract some of the flavors from the berries and pepper.

Add ice, vinegar and syrup/jam.

Shake thoroughly.

Pour, unstrained, into a tall glass.

Top with seltzer, and stir gently.

Garnish with songs from your playlist that will drive your children from the house.

This is a refreshing, spring-like drink. It’s not too sweet, and the notes of black pepper and balsamic vinegar keep it from tasting domesticated. It’s an outstanding Zoom meeting book club drink, but also excellent for sitting on the porch and watching the bird bath. As John (still “Cougar” then) Mellencamp would say:

Aw, but ain’t that America for you and me

Ain’t that America, somethin’ to see, baby

Ain’t that America, home of the free, yeah

Little pink houses for you and me

Oh yeah, for you and me, oh

Great song. No objective sense.

Featured photo: Little Pink Houses. Photo by John Fladd.