The Demon of Unrest, by Erik Larson

The Demon of Unrest, by Erik Larson (Crown, 497 pages)

It may be an egregious conflict of interest for a native South Carolinian to review any book about the onset of the Civil War, given the Palmetto state’s outsized role in that conflict. So take everything I say here with a grain of grits.

But Erik Larson has produced a masterful work in The Demon of Unrest, his narrative history of one of the most consequential five months this country has seen: the time period bookended by the election of Abraham Lincoln on Nov. 7, 1860, and the shots fired on Fort Sumter on April 12, 1861. We all know generally how the story began and ended. Larson fills in the details, by presenting the stories behind the stories, in rich detail. Incredibly, he manages to make the story suspenseful.

Not that this hasn’t been done before — the Titanic movie was suspenseful, and we knew how that ended, too. But Jack and Rose were fictional characters, their travails invented by James Cameron. For The Demon of Unrest, Larsen combed through realms of historical documents and journals and reconstructed the minutiae of the lives of leading figures in the Civil War, some of whom, like Abraham Lincoln and Mary Boykin Chestnut, are well-known; and others, who may not be quite as familiar.

He then artfully assembled the information and, instead of trying to write history, he just told stories — stories that explain the onset of the Civil War better than any AP history course ever could.

Thousands of books have been written about Lincoln; NPR once reported that Lincoln is only second to Jesus of Nazareth in the number of books written about him. So for serious Lincoln fans, The Demon of Unrest may not bring much new information to their table in this deeply sympathetic portrait of the 16th president. And I would be remiss to not point out that this book is not kind to the South, focusing as it does on letters and speeches that make clear that the conflict hung on slavery, not states’ rights. (Although there was a Confederate officer in South Carolina who was literally named States Rights Gist — mercifully, the man only went by “States” and the name seems to have died on the battlefield with him.)

Even Mary Boykin Chesnut, the Civil War diarist who was the wife of a wealthy planter, does not come off looking great, though her writing is generally acclaimed and was the basis of a book that won a Pulitzer Prize for history. We may not cheer when her Mulberry plantation is desecrated by Union soldiers, but neither do we weep.

That said, Chesnut is not presented as abjectly villainous, as are Edmund Ruffin and James Hammond, two pro-slavery and pro-secession Confederates whose beliefs did not age well and whose deeds were abhorrent even for their time.

Hammond, for example, sexually abused people he enslaved and also four under-aged nieces; he wrote unashamedly about his exploits in his journals. There was a great scandal when the relationship with the nieces came to light and Hammond retreated from public life for a while but later, incredibly, was returned to public office in South Carolina. Ruffin, a Virginian, was famously assigned to fire the first shot on Fort Sumter. He did so after dining the night before on cheese and crackers, and sleeping on “a pallet under two thick blankets,” still dressed in his clothes, because he was so excited for the war to start.

There are heroes in The Demon of Unrest, however, apart from Abraham Lincoln; most notable is Major Robert Anderson, the commander of Fort Sumter, the small island in Charleston Harbor where the first shots of the war were fired. Anderson is heroic, despite having once been a slaveholder, not only because he was on the right side of history, but also because he remained loyal to the Union despite his deeply conflicted feelings about the impending war.

He was, for example, sympathetic to various complaints of the South, and he was friends with General P.G.T. Beauregard, South Carolina’s military commander. The two men had to navigate the increasing military hostilities amid a friendship that began at West Point. They were unfailingly solicitous to each other in their correspondence, even as they were making preparations for their respective forces to do battle.

One of the starkest takeaways of the book is how vitriolic the South had become not only to the union but to everyone in the North. And they especially hated people who lived in New England. William Russell, a war correspondent for the London Times, was reporting in the colonies and wrote, “Whether it be in consequence of some secret influence which slavery has upon the minds of men or that the aggression of the North upon their institutions … certain it is there is a degree of something like ferocity in the Southern mind toward New England which exceeds belief.”

One might say a vestige of that remains in the South’s animosity toward certain New England sports teams.

Larson ends his story on April 18, 1861, but includes an epilogue that gives the post-war outcomes of all his major players. The Demon of Unrest adds to his compendium of lengthy narrative histories that include his treatment of Winston Churchill and the London Blitz, the Galveston hurricane of 1900, and the build-up to World War II under Hitler’s Germany.

His books are exhaustive, and as such, some consider them exhausting, but he performs a kindness for the reader by formatting the stories in short chapters, some only four or five pages. They are the sort of books best read over the course of a year, not over the course of a vacation, and require a high degree of interest in the subject matter. But nobody does it better when it comes to putting readers in the trenches of history, in this case with cannonballs whizzing over our heads. AJennifer Graham

Album Reviews 24/06/27

Potion Seller, When They Get Old (PNWK Records)

This was proffered to me as an EP from a Grand Rapids, Michigan,-based “alt-rock/post-emo/pop-punk band,” so I immediately went into snark mode in preparation for listening to this stuff, expecting it to evoke Good Charlotte and all those way-overdone sounds. But wait a minute, this isn’t your typical nerd-rock band, there’s actual old-school emo here, not just wishy-washy Dashboard Confessional obeisance and over-processed guitars. No, there are some organics here, not to mention some subtlety and even silence; there are spots during “Faster” when I almost expected to hear someone drop a coffee cup in the background. Yeah, the louder moments are cookie-cutter for the genre, but even those aren’t simply wall-of-sound bleatings; in fact — and I know these guys are too young to even know who they are — it’s actually reminiscent of Gin Blossoms or Skynyrd in spots. All told, the band’s first release for this imprint offers a very workable blend of Aughts-era pop-punk and modern emo. A+

Inter Arma, New Heaven (Relapse Records)

OK, cool story time, bros and gals, this was originally going to be a quick review of a different LP from my old friends at Relapse, but the link to the “advance album” was hopelessly mixed in with a bunch of different links, none of which pointed to the actual album in question, and so I’m doing this one instead, which is now two months old. The moral: overeducated PR reps, please make your emails make sense if you’re trying to push a new album to us lowly music journos, that’d be great. Anyhow (grrrrr), this Richmond, Virginia,-based metal act is known for eschewing structure in their rabid noise-scapes, but this is a departure in that the songs are more, well, song-like than what you may be accustomed to from these guys, if you are at all. The tldr is that the tunes are loud and aggressive in an unusual vein, combining sounds and hamster-wheel speeds native to both Cannibal Corpse and Bathory, i.e., the vocals fluctuate between Quorthon and Cookie Monster, but there’s a lot of clangy discordance. Not my cup of tea, but have at it. B-

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• June 28 is a Friday and, thus spake the record companies, there will be many new albums presented for your entertainment and ridicule, on that day! We’ll start out with wildly popular children’s bouncy house party band Imagine Dragons, whose new album, Loom, is, you know, looming over my head (see what I did there?), demanding that I talk about it, because all the young children love this arena-pop band of balloon-animal-crafting circus clowns. Wow, this is so nice of Imagine Dragons, the entire album is on YouTube, and I’m listening to the new single, “Nice to Meet You,” this will definitely rule! Ack, this is Justin Timberlake-level cultural appropriation, the singer is trying to pick up a girl at a bar where everyone is gorgeous (except the band, of course, as always) and the tune is sort of like 1970s-soul mixed with LMFAO. I don’t know any child that would like this at all, although I imagine a fourth-grader who loves everything about (the great) Imagine Dragons would force themself to like it. Anyway, Imagine Dragons, everyone.

• Renowned for twerking so vigorously that she occasionally takes flight and soars up to 20,000 feet above sea level, Megan Thee Stallion proves that she hasn’t reached her Vegas-has-been stage yet by releasing her third album, Megan, on June 28! There is music on this album, but don’t be silly, you just want to know about the beefs that are explored in its grooves, because what else is music about, if not beefs? In the single, “Hiss,” she disses Drake, who expressed public support for Tory Lanez, who was found guilty of shooting Megan in 2020. Her boss Kendrick Lamar has also besmirched Drake, so there’s trouble ahead in hip-hop land, get your popcorn. We’ll have more wrestling news after these messages!

• Oh come on already, another Guided by Voices album, so soon, how is this even news; they (meaning songwriting addict Robert Pollard) released one in November, already! Whatever, let’s get it over with, Strut Of Kings is the title, and the single is “Serene King,” a Neil Young-type mid-tempo rawker (again). Pollard sounds like Ozzy in “sinister serpent god” mode (again) in this instantly recyclable classic!

• We’ll wrap up the week with St. Louis-based folkie-whatever Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats andhis new LP, South Of Here! The album includes “David and Goliath,” a Nilsson-meets-Ben Folds quirk-a-thon that’s actually well-written.

Our Kindred Creatures, by Bill Wasik and Monica Murphy

Our Kindred Creatures, by Bill Wasik and Monica Murphy (Knopf, 374 pages)

With the notable exception of factory farms, cruelty to animals is generally not tolerated in the U.S. today. Criminal penalties exist for everything from neglect to the hoarding of pets; New Hampshire’s definition of animal abuse even includes taking a colt from its mother in the first three months of life.

It’s hard to imagine, then, that just 175 years ago animal cruelty was rampant and for the most part rarely noticed or remarked upon. The change to where we are now didn’t occur gradually but was the result of a moral crusade that began in the 1860s with three New Englanders at the helm.

In Our Kindred Creatures, husband-and-wife team Bill Wasik and Monica Murphy weave together the stories of George Thorndike Angell of Massachusetts, Caroline Earle White of Philadelphia and Henry Bergh of New York, the latter of whom was said to have founded “a new type of goodness.” While many other people have argued for compassion to animals over the course of human history, these three were especially effective and their stories are remarkable.

But let the reader beware: The book is tough reading for the tender-hearted and anyone who loved the movie The Greatest Showman. Hugh Jackman’s portrayal of P.T. Barnum, it turns out, left quite a bit out.

Angell is perhaps the best-known of the three crusaders, as his name is attached to a Boston animal hospital and an animal shelter near the Massachusetts-New Hampshire state line. But it’s Bergh whose story is the most compelling. He was left a fortune by his father, which enabled him to travel as a young man. During those travels he had a moral epiphany when he watched a brutal bullfight in Spain and was horrified not just by the suffering of the animals but by the glee he witnessed in the audience by a family with young girls. Bergh came to believe that “cruelism” arises when people are entertained by animal suffering of any kind, and that human beings themselves are made morally worse by even witnessing it.

Inspired by animal-rights efforts in Europe, he came back to the U.S. and founded the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in 1866. Shortly afterward, thanks to Bergh’s efforts, New York passed its first anti-animal-cruelty law and ASPCA officers were given power to issue citations and make arrests. Bergh himself took to the streets, at first going after people abusing horses, and cattle en route to slaughter. He also boarded a ship carrying sea turtles from Florida to New York and tried to bring its captain to justice. (The effort failed when the judge ruled that turtles were fish and were not subject to animal cruelty laws.)

But Bergh most famously sparred with P.T. Barnum, whose story in The Greatest Showman was shockingly whitewashed. As Barnum bought and displayed an enslaved person in his exhibits, he also had elephants and whales captured and brought to New York for display. The whales all died in short order, but none in such a grisly fashion as the two that were burned in the fire that consumed Barnum’s “museum” in 1865.

Bergh and his compatriots were operating in a time in which animals were as numerous as humans on city streets, and they were not romanticized as they are today. Their excrement and, often, carcasses, were everywhere, and stray dogs were rounded up and drowned en masse in New York and beaten to death in Philadelphia. Dogfighting and rat baiting (betting on how fast dogs could kill a collection of rats) were common and cheap forms of entertainment.

Animals were also suffering behind closed doors in more sterile environs — laboratories and classrooms where vivisection was common — and at one point Bergh sent his ASPCA agents undercover into hospitals to see first-hand what was being done, similar to the undercover operations still done by PETA today.

Word spread throughout New England about what Bergh was doing, and the ASPCA offices were visited by people hoping to launch similar efforts in their own communities. One such person was Caroline Earle White, who visited Bergh on her way home to Philadelphia after spending the summer in the Adirondacks. White, like many people drawn to the animal-abuse cause, was an abolitionist, and she went on to found the Women’s SPCA of Pennsylvania and the American Anti-Vivisection Society.

She was also instrumental in the change to a more merciful manner of killing shelter dogs — using carbon dioxide, which of course is seen as cruel today, but at the time was seen as a step up from bludgeoning a dog to death with an ax. Also, in a revolutionary shelter that White and her colleagues created, dogs were given shelter and water, “and all were fed a healthy diet of horsemeat, cornmeal, and crisped pork skin, even those destined for culling.”

A Quaker-turned-Catholic, White had been troubled seeing mules and horses struggling to pull streetcars heavy with coal. She had started changing her routes around town so that she didn’t have to endure the sight. But one of the more horrific examples of horses being literally worked to death happened in Boston in 1868, when a “sleighing horse race” took place that resulted in the deaths of both animals after they were compelled to pull 400-pound sledges from Boston to Worcester, a distance of 38 miles.

The winner died the night of the race; the other horse a few weeks later. Reading about the event compelled Angell to renew efforts on behalf of animals, pushing for a law that would prevent such abuses and starting a newspaper that would go to every town in Massachusetts with the name “Our Dumb Animals” (“Dumb” here meant mute, not stupid). The publication would endure until 1970.

Wasik and Murphy are excellent storytellers, which is no surprise — he is the longtime editorial director of The New York Times Magazine, she is a veterinarian, and their first book, 2012’s Rabid, a history of rabies, was well-received. What was surprising to me was how much of this story I knew nothing about, even as an animal lover living in New England — from the Barnum whales to a horse plague that swept the country in the 1870s to how a novel published more than a decade earlier in England, Black Beauty, came to be harnessed by Angell to galvanize compassion for horses.

The authors say they researched Our Kindred Creatures for three years; 30 would have been equally believable. They have crafted an extraordinary, though heartbreaking, story. A+ —Jennifer Graham

Album Reviews 24/20/06

J.M. Clifford, Trains, Thinkin’ and Drinkin’ (Brooklyn Basement Records)

You know, a lot of people think they don’t like any country music, but they’re usually thinking of a specific subgenre. If you’re like me and hate WWE wrestling-intro country-metal but like Appalachia-tinged bluegrass purism, you’ll like this one, which is from a Brooklyn-based artist and educator, who hatted out to Nashville so he could recruit such renowned session players as Seth Taylor, Jeff Partin, Jeff Picker and Bronwyn Keith-Hynes into this fold. By day, Clifford is a New York City elementary school music teacher, so there’s no NSFW element to it, but innovation does abound (he won a spot as a showcase artist at the 2023 IBMA Business Conference in Raleigh, North Carolina). With titles like “Old Brown Shoes” and “Billy Goose,” you can smell the unplugged, organic moonshine from the get-go. It’s assuredly a curveball, influenced by Norman Blake, Gillian Welch, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits and Tony Rice, which doesn’t mean it’s not instantly accessible and addictive. It’s simply good, honest stuff that instantly sticks. A+

Blackwater Railroad Company, A Lovely Place to Die (self-released)

Love it when this space can stick to one subject. In this case it’s deeply rootsy stuff; whereas J.M. Clifford’s new record (elsewhere here) is reliant on a sparser sound, this irresistibly folky LP tends to teeter between country, rock, soul and balladic folk, but with real purpose. Reportedly that’s a new development for this band, which recently added drums and saxophone to extend their lineup to five (I wasn’t crazy about the sax sound, which is a bit raw, but some people like it that way, you know, more like a Clarence Clemons type of vibe). Singer Tyson T. Davis has a picket-fence-toothed flavor to him that’s remindful of the dude from Primus; matter of fact, that’s the source of much of the charm here, but oh, did I tell you these guys are from Alaska? Aside: It’d be super cool if our local New Hampshire bands would be less fedora-hat and more like this (my OG readers have seen all the complaints I’ve lodged against bands like Truffle; give me a bunch of crazy rednecks from wayyy up north any day over those guys). A-

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• Friday, June 21, will bring to us many new albums, try to calm yourselves, frantic fam, but first, a retraction, because for the first time in the 20 years I’ve been your favorite Best Of NH award-winning local music journalist, accept no substitutes, I have made an actual mistake! OK, I’m kidding; misremembering or carelessly bungling something is mother’s milk to me as you well know, but this time someone felt besmirched and expressed hesitance to buy my new book (order it from your local bookseller right away if you haven’t) if I didn’t fix the situation pronto please! Yes yes, in the June 6 issue I talked about The Concrete Jangle, the new album from Steve Conte, and in my abject stupidity I said that he’d only been with the New York Dolls for a very short time. That, I must confess, was FAKE NEWS, because I’d read Wikipedia’s totally incorrect timeline entry for the Dolls instead of digging further into the matter. Anywhatever, Steve messaged me on my cursed Facebook and told me “My actual timeline in the Dolls was this: In 2004 I joined the Dolls with [David] Johansen, Sylvain, Kane & made the live album & DVD, Morrissey Presents The Return Of The New York Dolls: Live From Royal Festival Hall. Then Kane died, was replaced by Sami Yaffa, and in 2005 we began the world tour (which lasted until 2010). In 2006 we made the studio album, One Day It Will Please Us To Remember Even This produced by Jack Douglas, in 2008 we made Live At The Fillmore East and in 2009, we made the Todd Rundren-produced studio album, Cause I Sez So. In 2010 I left the band after 6 years to join up with Michael Monroe (Sami, who was in Hanoi Rocks with Monroe, pulled me in) and that was the end.” Anyway, that’s important, and you should buy this new music album from Steve Conte, because he is awesome and writes great songs; you can buy it from that obscure little boutique online shop, Amazon-dot-something, same as my book, that’d be great.

• Holy black holes, Batman, I have no idea who any of these artists are, this week, so I will learn about them now, just like you! Let’s see, blah blah blah, first we have indie pop songstress Gracie Abrams, a new nepo baby whose dad is Hollywood super-producer J.J. Abrams; it must have been such a struggle for the poor thing to get a rock ’n’ roll recording contract (sad emoji)! The Secret Of Us is the album, and now I shall sally forth to listen to the single, “Close To You.” Oh boy, now we’re cooking with some serious contrivance, it’s a bloopy, foggy slow tune and she’s trying to sound like Billie Eilish, why didn’t she just buy the T-shirt instead of forcing me and whoever else gets stuck reviewing this stupid thing (someone from Nylon or whatever) to listen to this for content? Can you even stand these nepo babies (eyeroll emoji), #JustBuyTheTeeShirt, let’s make that hashtag happen on the double, eh?

• British singer-songwriter Lola Young cites Joni Mitchell and Prince as influences, so maybe her new album, This Wasn’t Meant For You Anyway, will be good, I don’t know at this juncture! Right, so in the video for the single “Messy” she’s dressed like a unicorn/elf cheerleader and she sounds vaguely like Tina Turner in chill-down mode. There are annoying samples in the beat, but this is actually a good song, go figure.

• Lastly it’s another English indie lady singer, Kate Nash, with her fifth studio album, 9 Sad Symphonies. The LP opens with “Change,” a glitch-pop thingamajig that strikes me as a joke song, what with her dunderheaded, vaguely Bjork-ish vocal approach. It’s weird, if you like that sort of thing in your disposable pop songs.

Not in Love, by Ali Hazelwood

Not in Love,by Ali Hazelwood (Berkley, 400 pages)

Ali Hazelwood prefaces her latest book with what is, essentially, a fair-warning note to her readers: Not in Love, she says “is, tonally, a little different from the works I’ve published in the past. Rue and Eli have dealt with — and still deal with — the fallout from issues such as grief, food insecurity, and child neglect. They are eager to make a connection but are not sure how to go about it except through a physical relationship. The result is, I think, less of a rom-com and more of an erotic romance.”

Hazelwood has thus far been known by fans mainly as a rom-com writer who creates smart female lead characters and puts them in STEM-related work environments amongst other smart people and, inevitably, a male counterpoint. In Not in Love, Rue is a biotech engineer working in food science, so we’ve got the STEM setting, and we have the male counterpoint – in this case, his name is Eli, and he works for a company that’s trying to take over Kline, the company Rue works for.

The difference between Not in Love and Hazelwood’s other STEM romances is a much stronger emphasis on sexual chemistry and very explicitly written descriptions of what happens when that chemistry ignites. When Hazelwood warns readers that this is more “erotic romance” than rom-com, she’s not kidding.

But, in addition to the (plentiful) steamy scenes, everything I’ve liked about Hazelwood’s rom-coms is here too: witty banter, emotional complexity and well-drawn characters.

I love that Rue is science-smart but not unapproachable; there are plenty of relatable I-need-to-Google-this types of moments. Case in point, the book opens with Rue and her friend Tisha trying to figure out what a loan assignment is; they ask her friend’s sister, a lawyer, who doesn’t understand their lack of comprehension (“You guys are doctors,” she says, to which Tisha points out that “the topic of private equity firms and loan assignments did not come up in any class during our chemical engineering PhDs. A shocking oversight, I know….”).

Meanwhile, Rue could not be convinced to dumb down the title of her Ph.D. presentation: “A Gas Chromatography and Mass Spectrometry Investigation of the Effect of Three Polysaccharide-Based Coatings on the Minimization of Postharvest Loss of Horticultural Crops.” Her unapologetic thought is, “I had no talent for enticing people to care about my work: either they saw its value, or they were wrong.”

Rue is unapologetic about her dating life, too. She has a “no repeats” rule, meaning one and done, no exceptions; she doesn’t want a relationship, or the emotions that go with it. That was her plan when she matched with Eli on a dating app. She didn’t expect to ever see him again, so of course he ends up at the center of her workplace drama.

Rue probably could have stuck to her no repeats rule — she’s that emotionally stunted — but Eli falls hard for her. I like that the book moves between Rue’s point of view and Eli’s, because we can see how intense his feelings, emotional and otherwise, are, compared to her internal hesitations. And yet Eli is nothing but respectful to her and her hesitations, despite his desire for more, which makes him a very likable character.

The supporting characters aren’t always likable, but intentionally so — they all have a purpose and elevate the story, and many of their interactions with Rue and Eli are hilarious, adding to the novel’s smart, sassy vibe.

The plot is intriguing and believable, as Rue tries to save her scientific work from the grasp of Eli’s company, thinking — incorrectly, of course — that they’re being greedy. More seriously, as Hazelwood points out, there are mentions of grief, food insecurity and child neglect, but it’s not as depressing as it sounds. They’re issues that Rue and Eli dealt with that still impact them as adults, but there are no heavy-handed lessons or weepy sob stories — just real, life-goes-on reminders that what’s in the past doesn’t always stay in the past, and it can take a lot of work to build trust and open your heart after it’s been hurt.

This is another winner for Hazelwood, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who likes their romantic fiction smart, emotional and extra spicy. Just not you, Mom, and if you do read this, please never tell me. A-

Album Reviews 24/13/06

CHVE, Kalvarie (Wicked Cool Records)

Meanwhile on Neptune, we have this one from the vocalist of Belgian post-metal collective Amenra, one Colin H. van Eeckhout, who’s into spiritual gobbledegook and weird old instruments. I was informed this EP was influenced by gloom-metal bands like Neurosis, but what I’m hearing is more like Ianai, more of a monk-like chanting trip meant to, as the artiste claims, heal the soul. In other words it’s New Age stuff that aims to be mind-altering, as van Eekhouts jams out his droning, repetitive patterns on a hurdy gurdy and adds various percussions and effects, which meld nicely with his soft, mid-toned voice throughout a single 15-minute track titled “Eternit.” I repeat, this is an EP, so it’s not reliable backgrounding if you’re holding a yoga class, but it’s certainly atmospheric if a bit long. More meditative than anything else, and there’s really nothing metal about it, which is fine by me. A+

Belly, 96 Miles From Bethlehem (Salxco Records)

This Palestinian-Canadian rapper-singer-songwriter presents this new LP, an ode to his homeland, which is, well, having its calamities. Known for his clever, poetic, and powerful lyrics, Belly delivers searing, emotionally charged performances in this one, outcries that explore the feelings he’s experienced while the catastrophe in his homeland has dragged on, seemingly without end. “God watches while the angels weep,” spat over a woozy, siren-like loop is one of the more measured sentiments on board here. The featured guests in attendance are also Palestinian artists, such as Elyanna, Saint Levant, Ibrahim Maalouf and MC Abdul; the production is from DaHeala (The Weeknd) with traditional instrumentalists. To say the least it’s a profound and heartfelt narrative. All profits from this album will go to organizations supporting various Palestinian relief efforts. A+

PLAYLIST

A seriously abridged compendium of recent and future CD releases

• Friday, June 14, will be a special day of albums, isn’t it great to be alive, folks? The first album up for discussion this week is a new one from The Decemberists, titled As It Ever Was, So It Will Be Again, which is very exciting to hear if you like that band, or have a squirrel costume you like wearing to edgy bars full of people dressed in tiger and kitten costumes! Oh well, as they say, to every person their taste, that’s how these things go, like, some people like 1970s music because that’s what they listened to when Millard Fillmore was president, and some people like really bad music because they want to get on my nerves, but some people just like The Decemberists because they’re sort of a cross between Lynyrd Skynyrd (no, people have actually said that) and Crosby Stills Nash & Young except without anything technically complicated going on, for example The Decemberists only know three chords but those notes usually sound pretty good together every time they rearrange them! Oh come on, let’s stop kidding around, I’m just like you and everybody else, like, I only have one Dememberists album that I actually listen to, and in my case it’s Hazards of Love, from the turn of the decade or whenever it was, like only human squirrels know all the words to any Decemberists album, just stop the nonsense, can’t we all just get along? Right, so I haven’t listened to any of this album yet, but I’ll bet the whole thing is available on YouTube for preview, let’s go see, grab your Roblox backpacks and let’s do a rock ’n’ roll music column, whattaya say, gang? Yep, told ya, the whole thing is available for pirating, right there, and it opens with a song called “Oh No!” Well, this is a weird one; it starts out with a mariachi/Ennio Morricone trumpet part, and then it goes into a Roy Orbison (but lively) thing that actually sounds like REM, if you’re old enough to remember bands from the late 1800s. As always it is cool and hip and catchy but not something I will pirate for my drivetime listening pleasure, because as you know I have my required Decemberists album, there is no need for me to experiment further.

Cola is an art-punk band from Montreal, Canada, so you already know what I’m going to say, like, I am already annoyed that it’ll be too much like every other indie band from Canada and will thus have to censor the first five drafts of this mini-review so that the editors won’t yell at me. But instead of just pretending to listen to it and going to thesaurus.com and looking up synonyms for “offal” and “dross,” I will indeed subject myself to the band’s new album, The Gloss, and its single, “Pallor Tricks,” see what they did there, rock fans? Ack, ack, someone get me my medication, this disgusting mess is like a cross between Blur and Pavement, comprising an angular but badly played guitar line and a fake-drunk pub-rock vocal. Why would someone do this?

• Yikes, look guys, the original debut self-titled album from Monsters of Folk is coming out this week as a deluxe edition! The band is defunct now, because Jim James, M. Ward, Conor Oberst and the dude from Bright Eyes couldn’t fit their egos in the same tour bus, but either way, if you like their loud-jangly-loud sound, this expanded version includes five unreleased studio tracks from 2012, intended for that second album that never happened. OK!

• And lastly we have modern art-poppers Walt Disco, from Scotland, with their new LP, The Warping! The single, “You Make Me Feel So Dumb,” is piano-driven chillout that sounds like mid-career David Bowie if you’re so inclined.

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