If you listen to Irish Coffee Enthusiasts, you will be taken aback by how complicated the process for making one is. The ICEs will go on at some length about how such-and-such a bar makes a pretty good Irish Coffee, considering it isn’t a real Irish Coffee. Apparently, an Irish Coffee isn’t legitimately authentic unless:
(1) it is made by an old, gnarled bartender with an actual Irish accent and a list of stories about growing up in a thatched hut.
(2) who pours the whiskey from an otherwise unmarked jug with three Xs on it,
(3) into a mug with coffee so strong, vaporous little ghosts float screaming from it as he stirs it
(4) while three or four drunk guys at the bar sing “Danny Boy” and weep openly.
The truth of the matter is that making good Irish Coffee isn’t particularly difficult, and it’s definitely not complicated. It is simply a matter of paying attention to details.
Making a Very Nice Cup of Irish Coffee
Fill a glass coffee mug with boiling water. Leave it to heat while you brew the coffee.
Brew 1 to 2 cups of very strong, good coffee. It doesn’t have to be expensive, single-source, hand-picked beans that have passed through a civet. Chock Full o’Nuts will do fine. Make it a little stronger than you normally would. Wash a couple of dishes or watch the prize task on Taskmaster while the coffee brews and the mug heats up.
Pour the water out of the mug, thanking it for a job well done.
Mix 1 tablespoon of brown sugar in the mug with a little of the hot coffee, to dissolve it, then add 2 ounces of decent Irish whiskey. Again, you probably don’t want to use your $45-a-bottle top-shelf stuff, but a good, self-respecting Irish whiskey like Paddy’s will do nicely.
Top off your mug to within half an inch or so of the top with more coffee. Stir gently.
Finish the mug off with two dollops of lightly sweetened whipped cream.
This drink will be hot, so unless you’re a professional you probably won’t be able to swig this down, but you should definitely attack it with enthusiasm. If you don’t give yourself a whipped cream mustache, you lack commitment.
Classics are classics for a reason. This is delicious. It tastes of coffee, and caramel, and dairy, and whiskey, and something else — maybe destiny. It will take a great deal of adult restraint to not pound this down far too quickly and then make another. And conceivably many more.
For that reason, here is your guide for drinking good Irish Coffee:
Drink it at brunch. The very best time to drink Irish Coffee is late on a cold, damp afternoon, while reading a good book and thinking of a lost love. Unfortunately, by the time you’re old enough to have any really juicy regrets, you won’t be able to drink coffee that late in the day. Drinking more than one of these in an afternoon or evening will give you more opportunity to reminisce than you were really looking for. Flipping through old photographs and crying at 2 in the morning is not compatible with your New Year’s resolution to be more productive.
If you decide to dive into the Irish Coffee pool with a bunch of friends on a Sunday morning, your boyfriend or Carlos, your Uber driver, can get you home in time to sleep it off before you have to Skype your parents that evening.
1 mug of Irish Coffee: You will feel more positive about life.
2 mugs: You will tell at least one of your friends how much you love them. At this point, your wife or friends should keep you away from Facebook.
3 mugs: There will be singing and uncontrollable laughter.
After this, you will probably forgo the coffee and drink directly from the bottle. There will be more singing, and probably crying.
After this, things get a little murky.
John Fladd is a veteran Hippo writer, a father, writer and cocktail enthusiast, living in New Hampshire.
Featured photo: Irish Coffee. Photo by John Fladd.
