A successful writer of spy novels finds herself hunted by real-life spies in Argylle, an action romantic comedy thing that feels more like cool images and parts of ideas pinned to a bulletin board than an actual movie.
The suave, James-Bond-like Agent Argylle (Henry Cavill with just some of the most unfortunate hair ever given to a man so handsome) is on the trail of a hard drive that will expose the Directorate, the super spy organization he works for. Once a good guy organization, the Directorate is now in league with bad guys, and Argylle wants to bring them down.
But Elly Conway (Bryce Dallas Howard), author of four published books and one unfinished book about fictional spy Argylle, is just sort of stuck when it comes to how the last part of Conway’s journey should unfold. On a phone call with her mom (Catherine O’Hara) she explains that her book ends on a cliffhanger. But her mom insists that she needs to finish the story — have Argylle go to London to meet the hacker, get the drive and take down his bosses. Elly tries but eventually Argylle is just standing on an empty page, giving her a confused look (possibly confused about why he would be given such a dumb green velvet-I-think suit and such terrible hair).
Elly decides to take a train to see her parents and is quickly accosted by a long-haired weirdo (Sam Rockwell) who claims to be a fan — well, first he says he’s a fan, then he says he’s a spy and he’s there to protect her. Before she can grab the cat-carrier-backpack containing her cat Archie and run, another “fan” stops at her seat to get an autograph — but the pen is really a stiletto and he seems ready to stab her. Long-hair fights him off and then fights off a series of other would-be kidnappers and/or assassins before grabbing Elly and parachuting her out of the train as it goes over a bridge.
When she awakens in some random cabin, long-hair is now shaven and shorn and says his name is Adrian Wilde. Adrian tells her that he is a spy who, like her characters, needs to find a hard drive to bring down the Division, a super secret spy agency very close to the one she described. The Division is who has sent its operatives after her because it, led by Director Ritter (Bryan Cranston), has read her fifth, unpublished book and wants to know how it ends, believing it will help him find the real-life hacker.
Adrian, looking for the hard drive just like Argylle, takes Elly to London so she can “write” what happens next and help him figure out where the hacker with all the Division-destroying information is. The Division remains hot on their trail, leading to a variety of shootouts and fight scenes and so much slow-mo this movie, played entirely at regular speed, is probably at least 15 minutes shorter.
In addition to Cavill, John Cena, Ariana DeBose and Dua Lipa play characters in Elly’s books, with Samuel L. Jackson and, briefly, Rob Delaney showing up in “real life.”
Argylle is a mess. Just writing the plot description, there are things we learn at the beginning of the movie that actually make no sense with what we learn later on or are just clunky or unnecessary. The movie doesn’t seem to figure out its vibe, maybe ever. It goes from wacky quiet-writer-lady-adventure (similar to Sandra Bullock in The Lost City) to full-on action cartoon like director Matthew Vaughn’s Kingsman movies. I think, based on where this movie goes, maybe more of that cartoony action all the way through would be the way to go here. Instead that shows up just long enough to suggest a more tonally coherent version of this movie but not long enough to make Argylle actually be that version.
There are other problems. Howard is fine I guess, Rockwell is charming — together they are basically sparkless. Cranston feels like he belongs in the cartoonier version of this movie. Here, he feels en-dumb-ened by the movie, like his scary villain boss character, in absence of a more comic-book-y world around him, feels not smart enough for the job we’re supposed to believe he has. O’Hara just feels sort of ill served by everything the movie asks her to do — every scene she’s in had the potential to be funny or fun or weird in that delightful O’Hara way but the movie chooses a direction that just sort of dims her star.
This whole movie has, not potential exactly, but maybe the possibility to have potential. There are ideas that reach “hey, maybe there’s something in that?” stage but don’t go beyond that. As a result, I found myself not really enjoying this movie or even wanting to enjoy it but wishing it was a movie that I could potentially enjoy. C+, with the plus being largely for Sam Rockwell and his dislike of Archie, who looked like a mostly CGI cat, though a cat named Chip (the cat of Vaughn and his wife Claudia Schiffer) is credited on IMDb. (Meanwhile: There is apparently a mid-credits scene, which I did not stay for but read about later, and everything about it sounds exhausting.)
Rated PG-13 because these things are always rated PG-13 but officially for strong violence and action and some strong language, according to the MPA on filmratings.com. Directed by Matthew Vaughn and written by Jason Fuchs (though the “written by” has its own story, feel free to Google, that somehow pulls in Taylor Swift because I guess everything has a Swiftian element now), Argylle is an unnecessary two hours and 19 minutes long and is distributed in theaters by Universal.
Celebrated around the globe with exuberant parades, exotic masks and the throwing of colorful beads and trinkets, Mardi (the French word for “Tuesday”) Gras (which means “fat”) is renowned for gastronomic indulgence, and Mardi Gras King Cake is the ultimate tasty extravagance.
Just ask Denise Nickerson, owner of The Bakeshop on Kelley Street, who knows a thing or two about delicious treats. A graduate of a Le Cordon Bleu-affiliated school, Nickerson has training in French cooking and baking that made her aware of the significance of using real butter, vanilla and heavy cream and not scrimping in any way.
“You can taste the difference,” she said. “And our customers can taste the difference.”
Mardi Gras King Cakes, which harken back to the story of the three kings who paid homage to the newly born Jesus, are a staple of Carnival and have been sold at The Bakeshop since the year it opened. “I opened The Bakeshop in 2010 with the intent of sharing some of my favorite sandwiches and desserts — I love dessert! — and have been successfully selling them for the past almost 15 years,” Nickerson said. “I am always excited to make Mardi Gras King Cakes as they are whimsical, delicious, and, of course, have a baby inside!”
According to Mardi Gras tradition, the lucky individual who finds the tiny figurine hidden in the bread is considered king or queen for the day and is encouraged to provide a cake for the following year’s festivities, host a party, or otherwise perpetuate the revelry.
“Mardi Gras King Cakes are sweet and fun to make,” Nickerson said about the treats, which are said to have originated in France and made their way to New Orleans in the late 19th century. “They are made with our sweet bread recipe, spread with our cinnamon butter, rolled and then formed into a circle or ring. As we roll them, we place the plastic baby in the bread. Next comes a coating of glaze and then the fun part — alternate colors of purple, yellow and green sprinkles, which represent Mardi Gras season.” (According to historians, the colors used to decorate these Carnival confections signify justice, power and faith.) “The cakes are then boxed or placed on pastry trays, and we like to add a couple of Mardi Gras bead necklaces to help in the celebration.”
Mardi Gras is always the day before Ash Wednesday, offering believers one last chance to binge on rich foods before the beginning of the austere season of Lent, a 40-day period leading up to Easter Sunday that emphasizes abstinence, fasting and repentance.
Fat Tuesday, which this year falls on Feb. 13, is not surprisingly The Bakeshop on Kelley Street’s biggest day of Mardi Gras King Cake sales, “but we are willing and able to make them anytime for any celebration,” said Nickerson, adding, “Pre-ordering is recommended as we tend to run out quickly!” The Bakeshop will also open its doors on Tuesday, when it is normally closed, to keep up with the seasonal demand.
In addition to Mardi Gras King Cakes and other cakes of all kinds, the Manchester bake shop and cafe is well-known for its array of doughnuts, pies and pastries, as well as a savory menu featuring quiche, soups, chili, and sandwiches served on their own freshly baked bread.
“A lot of my recipes were passed down from my grandmothers, mother, sister and aunts,” said Nickerson. “I’ve found that many people relate to them, as they are simple reminders of flavors and tastes from childhood and beyond. Also, most importantly, using ingredients that are high-quality and often come from local growers and producers makes having a dessert worth it. I always say, if you are going to have dessert, make sure it’s something made well and worth it!”
Nickerson readily admitted that “not everyone might know about the King Cakes.” However, she added, “the ones that do [know] or that try them [for the first time] always come back. It’s a celebration of sweetness and a way to … be a part of the Mardi Gras season.”
Mardi Gras King Cake The Bakeshop on Kelley Street 171 Kelley St., Manchester 624-3500 thebakeshoponkelleystreet.com
Warm up on a chilly Friday night at Fire & Ice, the Amherst Lions Club’s 8th annual chili cookoff and ice cream social. The event takes place Friday, Feb. 9, from 5 to 7 p.m. at Amherst Middle School.
Entrants will be serving 2 gallons of chili each in people’s choice, restaurant, and Lions Club categories. The chili is all you can eat until the slow cookers are empty.
“You go through the line and you can select as many different kinds of chilis as you want,” explained Amherst Lion Joan Ferguson. Each contestant has a number that is written on their bowls, so you can keep track of your favorites and go back for seconds if you wish.
A panel of judges will be grading the chilis on taste, smell, heat, creativity and presentation. The judges will select the winner for the restaurant and Lions Club categories, and give feedback on the people’s choice entries as well. However, attendees vote for the people’s choice winner. While people’s choice could theoretically be awarded to any category, in the history of the event an individual has always won people’s choice, said Ferguson.
This year’s judges will be Dan DeCourcey, Up in Your Grill owner and pitmaster; Amherst Police Chief Anthony Ciampoli, and local chili connoisseur Chad Camirand, described by Ferguson as having a “discriminating palate.”
Expect a wide variety of chilis, including some you may never have encountered before. There are usually traditional recipes, green chili, veggie, chicken and more, said Ferguson. One year, Cincinnati Chili, traditionally served over spaghetti, was a big hit. In 2020 two middle school students worked with their aunt to make a chili with great ingredients and spices and won people’s choice.
On the divisive debate of beans or no beans, Feguson said, “It’s about evenly divided — it really and truly is.”
The restaurant category this year will include an entry from previous winner Moulton’s Kitchen and Market. The Amherst Lions will be going head to head with the Bedford Lions for the best Lions Club chili, which no club has ever won consecutively.
Each winner will get a silver bowl trophy to keep until next year’s event, engraved with their name. They’ll also get a long-handled wooden spoon engraved with ‘Chili Master.’ And of course, they get to brag about having the best chili in town for a whole year.
The event will also include a make-your-own ice cream sundae bar, hot dogs, face painting, and a visit from Officer Berry — a yellow lab puppy who is Amherst Police Department’s new therapy dog. Weather permitting, there will also be ice skating and a bonfire at the school’s outdoor rink.
The Lions Club will also be providing free eye screenings, one of their philanthropic causes, and they’ll be raffling off a Napoleon Rogue propane grill.
“Winter is getting a little long in the tooth by February,” Ferguson said, so several years ago a member of the club came up with this event so the town could gather over a meal. “The community is able to get together on a cold winter’s night — there’s eating, there’s entertainment, there’s a lot of talking. It’s good to get everyone out of the house.”
If you want to try all the chilis, especially the crowd favorites, make sure you come early.
“Their Crockpots tend to empty out well before the two hours are up,” Ferguson said.
Fire & Ice Chili Cookoff and Ice Cream Social When: Friday, Feb. 9, 5 to 7 p.m. Where: Amherst Middle School, 14 Cross Road, Amherst Tickets: $10 for adults, $6 for children 7 to 12, free for ages 6 and under. Families of four or more can buy a family ticket for $30. Purchase tickets at e-clubhouse.org/sites/amherstnh or at the door.
Featured photo: Last year’s chili cooks Irene Pyle (left) and granddaughter Charley Pyle will return to the Fire & Ice competition Feb. 9th at the Amherst Middle School.
The Northeast Organic Farming Association of New Hampshire (NOFA-NH) will host its 22nd annual Winter Conference on Saturday, Feb. 10, at Southern New Hampshire University in Manchester. The event will include panel discussions, workshop sessions, awards and a keynote address by off-grid homesteader Philip Ackerman-Leist.
“As one of the founding chapters of the Northeast Organic Farming Association dating back to the early 1970s, NOFA-NH began with the hope of bringing together the organic community and building traction for the important work of sustainable agriculture in our state and region,” said event coordinator Kyle Jacoby. “The conference has taken on many shapes and sizes over the years, but some things remain the same. Every conference is filled with impactful workshops, local organizations and businesses, delicious food, a keynote address, and community bonding.”
According to Jacoby, the Winter Conference helps to foster the Granite State’s organic farming and gardening community, allowing participants to share knowledge, get energized, and support local, sustainable, healthy food.
“Every event is a place to continue learning and understanding organic practices, have discussions about our local food networks, connect with others in the community to discuss how to work together, recognize members of the community who are doing valuable work, and build enthusiasm for the work ahead,” Jacoby said.
NOFA-NH’s Winter Conference typically welcomes 200 to 300 people from throughout New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont and Massachusetts, Jacoby said. “This includes farmers, gardeners, nonprofit management, food distributors, politicians, students, educators and more. Members of this entire community convene at the Winter Conference because of the workshops that are offered, networking opportunities, and the chance to engage in important dialogue about the future of food in our state.”
Workshop topics will include growing techniques, business strategies, food systems, crop management, best practices for high tunnel construction, making tea from your garden, creating a diverse, inclusive and equitable food system in New Hampshire, policy and regulatory tools for small food producers, perfecting greenhouse tomatoes, and more. Sessions are geared toward farmers, gardeners, nonprofit professionals, educators, and community members interested in local food, sustainable agriculture, and cultivating community.
“The conference is also a perfect opportunity to learn new skills, develop important connections with local organizations and businesses, and recognize members of our community and the work they are doing,” Jacoby said.
This year’s keynote speaker is Philip Ackerman-Leist, author of A Precautionary Tale: How One Small Town Banned Pesticides, Preserved its Food Heritage, and Inspired a Movement and Rebuilding the Foodshed: How to Create Local, Sustainable, and Secure Food Systems.
“Philip has an incredible history of the past four decades exploring what it means to have a sustainable and equitable food system,” Jacoby said. “We are excited to hear the stories from his experiences with policy efforts for pesticide-free communities, ‘aha!’ moments in educational systems, innovative shifts in local supply chains, lessons in agritourism, and increased financial support for ecological stewardship.” Ackerman-Leist’s address will highlight some of his experiences collecting stories of food systems across the U.S. and abroad.
Involved with NOFA-NH for two years, Jacoby acknowledges the dedicated team, passionate volunteers, members, and supporters who work together toward a more local, just and sustainable food system.
“It is a joy to work with these people and celebrate the successes of our work,” Jacoby said. “You can see how gratifying that is at the Winter Conference when we present awards to members of our community to recognize the amazing work they are doing and have done. We certainly have challenges ahead but also so much to be proud of and grateful for.”
NOFA-NH annual Winter Conference When: Saturday, Feb. 10 Where: Southern New Hampshire University, 2500 N. River Road, Manchester; check-in at dining center, workshops at Robert Frost Hall Tickets: available on a sliding scale ranging from $20 (keynote only) to $125. More: www.nofanh.org
In its latest month-long themed exhibition, Mosaic Art Collective in Manchester turns to matters of the heart; fitting, given Valentine’s Day falls in the middle of February. However, the pieces submitted thus far — photos, sculptures, paintings and prints — cover the spectrum of emotions, and the depth of feelings.
“It’s not just lovey-dovey,” Mosaic’s founder and president Liz Pieroni said by phone recently. “I would say the ones that are depicting heartache are more definitely gripping.” One example of this is “Release,” a jarring graphite-on-paper drawing by Jaida Mei that depicts a woman facing a powerful wind that’s literally tearing her up.
“This is a new artist to us, so I haven’t met them,” Pieroni said, calling Mei’s work “really, really powerful and almost a little bit scary, almost surreal.”
More playful is “The Love Letter,” from New Hampshire Institute of Art graduate Andrew Freshour. The ink and watercolor print is reminiscent of a Tomie dePaola illustration. It shows a royal coach carried by two dogs in powder wigs. “It’s about self-love, self-indulgence … living your most authentic life,” Pieroni opined, calling its style “like a fairy tale but also very over the top … kind of like the Muppets meet real life.”
Yes, there are flowers as well, Pieroni continued.
“We also have some beautiful botanical paintings that are probably more palatable to some people, they’re just really beautiful,” she said. “Red Between the Lines,” from Manchester painter Susanne Larkham, is a zoomed-in pastel of a rose in many shades of red. Jonathan Pereira’s “Love in the Form of Time and Growth,” on the other hand, is multicolored and brimming with childlike innocence.
More submissions are expected for the open call event, Pieroni continued.
“We don’t really know what we’re going to get until the night before we select pieces,” she said, adding that invitational shows like the one in March with Manchester high school students to celebrate Youth Art Month are more predictable.
A Hooksett native and an artist herself, Pieroni moved back home from Vermont in the wake of the pandemic. “I have three small kids, [and] after homeschooling and trying to figure out all that, we were really in need of a little bit more help … and we wanted to be closer to family,” she said.
Searching for a gallery and realizing that the closest ones were either on the Seacoast or in Boston, she opened Mosaic Art Collective in September 2022.
“I was searching for a place to show my work locally, but I also needed an art studio,” she said. “I felt like I couldn’t be the only one in that same boat; ultimately, I was correct.”
Recently Mosaic began offering live music, and Pieroni is planning more.
“We’re trying to open up the gallery as much as possible,” she said. “The music event was one way, but then we’re also offering art talks. The Struggle Bus improv group did a performance here, and we also have run some workshops. We’re trying to find different ways of bringing people in, for all sorts of reasons.”
Art is available for purchase at Mosaic; some pieces can be acquired for as little as $36.
“The majority of things that we hang on the wall are under $500 typically, so they’re pretty reasonably priced,” Pieroni said. “Ultimately, you’re supporting a local artist, so you get good-person points.”
She urged anyone with uncertainty about ownership to consider Mosaic.
“Our biggest challenge is trying to bring people in who maybe haven’t purchased art before or considered themselves as collectors,” she said. “Finding those people and making it relevant to them and, also, a little less scary than walking into a gallery.”
ALL Heart Statuses Where: Mosaic Art Collective, 66 Hanover St., Suite 201, Manchester When: Through Wednesday, Feb. 28 (opening reception Saturday, Feb. 10, at noon
Featured photo: The Love Letter – Andrew Freshour Courtesy photo.
How to impress with fancy eats, cozy eats and a decadent dessert
Generally speaking, as a grownup on Valentine’s Day, you have four paths open to you:
(1) Sitting alone on your couch, in the dark, eating ice cream and watching kung fu movies. This will seem very familiar, as this was probably how you spent New Year’s Eve a few weeks ago.
(2) If you are young, enthusiastic and employed, there are Champagne, jewelry and optimistically intimate undergarments. These are grand, romantic gestures. They are undeniably effective, but also set expectations for the evening uncomfortably high, and at the same time make you look bad on the next gift-giving holiday, when you aren’t so demonstrative. It’s a risk.
(3) If you are older, and somewhat trampled upon by Life, there is the panicked last-minute purchase of traditional gestures of romance — grocery store roses ($15), a heart-shaped box of chocolates from the drug store ($25 for a big one), or getting a heart tattooed on your butt, with your loved one’s name on it (around $150, plus tip).
(4) Or, if you have been with your loved one for a while, a greeting card and dinner. This has some advantages:
(a) Nobody expects anything profound on a card. You can buy a generically romantic or even blank one, then look up a poem on the internet and copy a couple of stanzas into the card. Don’t try to take credit for good poetry. Cite your source, and you’ll look classy. Alternatively, you can try to be funny. Your joke might not go over, but you will still get points for trying, even if you’ve drawn a zombie holding a bouquet of dead roses, with a caption that says, “I love you for your brain.”
(b) Dinner is a winning strategy; we all like food. Even if you’ve been arguing with your loved one and things have been a little tense, we all have to eat sometime, and your sincere cooking gesture will not go unappreciated.
So if you’ve decided to cook a Valentine’s Day dinner, again, you have a few different approaches.
Grilled portabella mushroom, mashed potatoes, and grilled asparagus. Photo by John Fladd.
A FANCY DINNER
As Valentine’s Day cooking goes, this is a big swing. If you pull it off, you will look confident and accomplished. If you and your dining companion are still getting to know one another, this will hint that you have hidden depths.
Even if things go spectacularly wrong — even if there are billows of smoke from the kitchen, even if the dog races through the living room with your main course in his mouth, even if you injure yourself dramatically in some way — you can smile gamely, wipe a tear from the corner of your eye, and ask, “How do you feel about pizza?” You will still come out ahead.
You want to cook something that is legitimately delicious, grown up, and impressive, but not actually very hard to make.
Steak
If your Valentine is a fan of red meat, this is the time to double down on a really good piece of beef. Here’s the recipe for a truly excellent steak:
Go to a real butcher. Describe how you’d like your evening to go. He or she will show you some steaks. To you, they will look like most of the meat in the case. Trust the professional. Say, “Yes, please,” then ask them how to cook it. They know meat better than you ever will. Write down their directions, go home, and do what they told you to do.
This will be a Very Good Steak.
Chicken
If you are a strong and confident cook, roast a whole chicken. Stuff the cavity with lemon quarters and thyme, and baste it with olive oil and garlic.
If you aren’t quite that confident, your best bet is Chicken Piccata.
Chicken Piccata
2 skinless and boneless chicken breasts, butterflied and then cut in half –you can buy them this way at the grocery store
coarse salt and freshly ground pepper
all-purpose flour, for coating
6 Tablespoons (¾ stick) butter
5 Tablespoons (3 big glugs) olive oil
⅓ cup (75 grams) fresh squeezed lemon juice
½ cup (113 g) chicken stock
¼ cup (55 g) brined capers, rinsed
chopped parsley for garnish
Season the chicken breasts with salt and pepper. Coat them with flour, dusting off the excess.
Fry the chicken over medium heat in 4 tablespoons of the butter and the olive oil, until both sides are golden brown, about three minutes per side. Remove the chicken and set aside.
Add the lemon juice, chicken stock and capers to the pan and bring to a boil, stirring and scraping the bottom of the pan to get all the little bits of fried chicken — if you want to impress people, call this fond — and incorporate it into the sauce.
Return the chicken to the pan and give it a brief spa day in the sauce, five minutes or so.
Remove the chicken again. At this point it is probably getting confused and a little frustrated, trying to figure out what you want from it. Plate it with your apologies.
Add the last 2 tablespoons of butter to the sauce and whisk it vigorously, like it owes you money. Again, if you want to use a fancy cooking term, this is called mounting the sauce. If you tried to work that term into a joke later on, who could blame you? If you whisk briskly enough that your sauce doesn’t break, you’ll probably get away with making a mounting joke.
Pour the sauce — the piccata sauce — over the chicken, and top with the chopped parsley. Congratulations, you’ve made Chicken Piccata.
This is delicious. It is a classic but went out of style 20 or 30 years ago, so there’s a good chance your dining companion hasn’t heard of this before. The acid from the lemon juice plays off the bright, salty flavor of the capers. This would be a bit too sharp, but the butter has rounded off the edges and given the sauce a richness that complements the chicken. The effort-to-deliciousness ratio of this dish is excellent.
Vegetarian
Your best bet here is an omelet or roasted portabella mushrooms. The mushrooms will have a rich flavor and a meaty texture. The eggs are dependably delicious and look good on the plate. If you mess them up it will only take a couple of minutes to redo them.
Grilled Asparagus
Some people find asparagus intimidating. Cooked properly it is probably the easiest vegetable to cook. It looks good on the plate. It tastes good and establishes your grown-up credentials.
Buy a bunch of baby asparagus, the pencil-thin ones.
Rinse the stalks, then break off the woody base of each spear. Bend it like you are going to break it in half. Surprisingly, it won’t actually break halfway across the spear, but toward the end, where it starts to get woody.
Soak the stalks in bottled balsamic vinaigrette for about an hour.
Spread the asparagus on a baking sheet, then broil it in the oven under high heat for about four minutes, until it looks cooked and the vinaigrette looks foamy.
That’s it. It is incredibly easy. The asparagus actually tastes like something, unlike when you were a child and one of your relatives boiled it for an hour or so. This is a sophisticated side dish.
Your Starch
Two straightforward side dishes are mashed potatoes and couscous.
The secret to excellent mashed potatoes is boiling the potatoes until they start to fall apart. Drain them, then return them to the pot and stir them to dry them out. They will continue to fall apart. When they look dry — well, drier — mash them with a potato masher, then add a truly injudicious amount of butter and cream. Season it, and again you look like a pro. If nothing else goes right tonight, good mashed potatoes will save you.
On the other hand, there’s couscous. It looks like rice. It’s faster and easier than rice. It’s not rice. Mix dry couscous with an equal amount of boiling water or broth and a little butter. Cover it and leave it alone for seven minutes. Stir it with a fork and boom, you’ve cooked couscous, baby!
Toasted ravioli. Photo by John Fladd.
A COMFORT FOOD DINNER
Valentine’s Day comfort tastes delicious, is bad for you and doesn’t have to be paired with anything. However, here are some notes.
Grilled Cheese Sandwich
Don’t believe what anybody has told you: Do not spread mayonnaise on the bread instead of butter. No, it is not “just as good.” Try to remember to leave butter out in the morning to soften up. Make sure you thoroughly butter each exterior side of the sandwich before you grill it in a pan. Fancy cheese doesn’t make for a better grilled cheese. Don’t let anyone shame you out of using American, if that’s how you roll. Cheddar or pepper jack are always good. Edam is about as fancy as you want to go. Serve your sandwich with a crunchy pickle.
Tater Tots
Don’t try to save time or energy by using your air fryer. That’s fine 364 days a year, but on Valentine’s Day, actually bake your Tater Tots in the oven. Cook them on a wire cooling rack that you’ve placed inside a baking sheet. This will let the hot air get to all sides of the Tots, and you won’t have to flip them halfway through cooking.
Toasted Ravioli or Pierogi
Don’t worry about thawing or pre-cooking them. Fry them — frozen — in butter over medium-low heat. By the time they are golden brown on both sides, the insides will be warm and creamy. If you’re making pierogi, spend 20 minutes beforehand and caramelize some onions to go with them.
Buttered Noodles
Follow the instructions on the box. Boil the pasta for that long; don’t depend on your memory. Drain it and add real, full-fat, salted butter. I recommend radiatori, but you know what kind of noodle your loved one likes. If you don’t, you need to do some hard thinking about your place in the World.
Ultra-rich brownie with melted ice cream and homemade chocolate sauce. Photo by John Fladd.
A DECADENT DESSERT
Maybe you want to make some kind of romantic gesture but you’d really rather not make a huge production out of it. There is a middle ground: a decadent dessert — something rich and chocolatey. You want it to be a celebration, just not with trumpets and confetti — maybe something you can share with the lights low and the music romantic.
Ultra-Rich Brownies with Malted Ice Cream & Homemade Chocolate Sauce
The Brownies
6 ounces (1½ of the big bars you find at the supermarket) 99 percent dark or unsweetened chocolate, broken up
18 Tablespoons (2¼ sticks) butter
4 eggs
2½ cups (495 g) sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 teaspoon salt
1¾ cups (210 g) all-purpose flour
Preheat the oven to 350ºF.
Butter a 9”x 9” baking pan, and line it with parchment paper.
Melt the chocolate and butter together in the microwave. Heat them in a plastic or glass bowl for 30 seconds, stir, then microwave them for another 20 or 30 seconds, stir, then another 15 or so, until they have melted and combined. Set aside.
With an electric beater or in a stand mixer, beat the eggs, sugar, vanilla and salt at high speed for three minutes, until the mixture is extremely light and creamy. There isn’t any leavener in this recipe, so the air you beat in now will do any raising these brownies get.
Turn down the speed on your mixer, and blend in the chocolate mixture. Wish it luck and Godspeed. Salute it, if you feel so inclined.
At very slow speed, add the flour, a couple of spoonfuls at a time. More flour or a higher speed will cover you with flour.
When the flour is completely mixed in, stop the mixer. Stir the mixture once or twice with a rubber spatula to make sure everything gets combined thoroughly, then pour the batter into your prepared pan.
Bake for 45 to 55 minutes, until a toothpick comes out clean.
Set aside to cool.
The Ice Cream
Plain, store-bought vanilla ice cream is just about perfect for this dish. If you wanted to go a step further — make a semi-grand gesture, perhaps — homemade malted milk ice cream might be 10 percent more delicious.
3 cups (680 g) half-and-half
¾ cup (106 g) malted milk powder
3 egg yolks
½ cup (99 g) sugar
¼ cup (53 g) brown sugar
1 Tablespoon vanilla
Heat the half-and-half and malted milk powder, stirring, over medium heat until it comes to a simmer.
In a separate bowl, mix the egg yolks and sugars together.
When the cream has come to a simmer, very, very slowly pour it into the egg mixture, stirring vigorously. You’re adding the cream slowly to keep it from scrambling the eggs.
When everything is mixed together, return it to the saucepan and heat it again until it has thickened slightly. If you are keeping track of the temperature, this will be at around 175ºF.
Remove your ice cream base from the heat, and strain it into a one-quart container. Let it cool, then stir in the vanilla, and store, covered, in the refrigerator for several hours or overnight. It has had a traumatic day. Say something comforting to it as you close the refrigerator door.
When the ice cream base has thoroughly chilled, churn it in your ice cream maker, according to the manufacturer’s instructions.
Transfer the soft ice cream to a container, then put it in your freezer to harden up.
This is a delicious, fairly subtly flavored ice cream that will complement the rich chocolate in the brownie and the chocolate sauce.
The Chocolate Sauce
1 cup (250 g) water
½ cup (160 g) corn syrup
½ cup (100 g) sugar
¾ cup (75 g) unsweetened cocoa powder
⅓ cup (2 ounces, 55 g) chocolate chips
In a small saucepan, combine everything but the chocolate chips. The cocoa is hydrophobic, which makes it sound like it has rabies, but that just means that it doesn’t like to mix with water. It will take some energetic whisking and a stern look to bring everything together.
Keep whisking the sauce over medium heat, until it just starts to boil. Remove it from the heat and whisk in the chocolate chips. They will melt and incorporate within a few seconds.
Let the sauce sit for an hour or two to thicken and for the ingredients to get to know each other. Let’s face it; you forced the issue with your whisking. It’s only fair to give everyone time to calm down and settle in.
This is not an overly sweet chocolate sauce. It’s definitely a dessert sauce, but there’s a seriousness about it. It tastes like chocolate, not like candy. You may have noticed that there is no vanilla in the ingredients; that would have rounded out the edges of the chocolate and given it a mellowness. Without it, this sauce is a handsome man in a dark suit.
Putting It All Together
It’s pretty straightforward. Plate a brownie, top it with slightly more ice cream than you might think, and spoon your homemade chocolate sauce on top. You might want to heat the brownie for a few seconds in the microwave, but just until it is gently warm, not hot and gooey. That’s for another occasion.
This dessert is all about contrast. There are chocolate purists who insist that you should use all chocolate — the brownie, the ice cream and the sauce — chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. That would be too much here. The brownie and the sauce are two shades of very serious chocolate. They need vanilla or malted ice cream to stand out and show off their depth.
A note: These are extremely dense and rich brownies. For Valentine’s Day, especially if you’re sharing, go ahead and plate a conventional-size serving. Even the two of you might not finish it — it’s that rich — but this dessert is a Medium Dramatic Gesture (MDG), so now is not the time to start being practical. When you eat the rest of the brownies over the next few days, you’ll probably want to cut them into 1½-inch squares.
Romantic cocktail. Photo by John Fladd.
A ROMANTIC COCKTAIL
In the end, love is tricky.
Sometimes it sneaks up on you; you wake up one morning and realize that you’ve fallen like a 50-pound sack of cement. Sometimes it hits you between the eyes instantly — again, like a sack of cement. Sometimes it consumes you, filling every cell with fire and bubbles. But not cement.
So how do you express that? Love letters? Fighting a duel? A prenuptial agreement?
This year Valentine’s Day falls on a Wednesday. That doesn’t leave much opportunity to express what’s in your heart.
But a good cocktail might be a good symbolic gesture.
Unnamed Valentine’s Day Cocktail
3 ounces dry gin – a botanical gin might seem like an obvious choice for this, but you don’t want to muddy the other ingredients; a crisp London-style gin like Fords is just right for this
1 ounce fresh squeezed lime juice
1 ounce elderflower liqueur – I like St. Germain
3 drops rose water – as you add this, it won’t seem like enough, but three drops is just about exactly the right amount; you just want a subtle back-note of roses, you don’t want this to be too perfumey.
Several ounces of Asti spumante – you’ll be tempted to go up-market on this, to break out your expensive bubbly, but the spumante brings a sweetness that really adds to the finished cocktail. If this cocktail goes over well enough, you can save the Dom for another occasion.
In a cocktail shaker, combine the gin, lime juice, elderflower liqueur, and rose water over ice. Shake for 30 seconds.
Strain into two cocktail glasses, and top with spumante.
Drink together while listening to Frank Sinatra’s cover of “Fly Me to the Moon.” Warning: This might lead to dancing.
The gin is the driver of this particular limousine. The spumante and the elderflower are the couple in the back seat saying, “Keep your eyes on the road, Fords.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Fords says.
The wine is what you notice in the front end, but with a floral aftertaste. This is not an overly boozy cocktail. (With that said, three of these could lead to questionable decision-making, which in a Valentine’s Day context might be just what you’re looking for.)
After all, isn’t that what Love is? The triumph of the heart over common sense?
