At the moment, I am working on a project that involves thinking deeply about a couple of cows celebrating a Girls’ Night Out. Never mind why. That just seems to be where my life is right now — thinking about cow girlfriends at a bar, laughing, drinking and flirting with a rugged beefcake of a stranger, only to find out to their chagrin that he is an ox. (Look it up.)
The obvious question as far as I’m concerned is this: What would they drink?
Initially the answer seems obvious: white Russians, or mudslides, or something with cream in it. But I can imagine the conversations the cows would have:
“Really? Drinking our own body fluids? Doesn’t that seem a little — wrong?”
Then there are obvious plays on words — moo-tinis, moo-garitas or moo-jitos, but I’m not entirely sure how one would go about making them.
Then, out of nowhere, as often happens when one opens oneself up to the Universe, I discovered a drink called The Nightmare of Milky Joe. I don’t know where the name comes from — there’s no dairy in it — but it sounded promising. After some tinkering, a surprisingly delicious not-quite-tiki drink came into focus.
Let’s call it —
The Daydream of Milky Joe
1 flavorful jalapeño pepper – it would be nice if it had some heat, but it is more important that it has good flavor
1 ounce golden rum
1 ounce dark rum
1 ounce sweet coconut cream – Coco Lopez is a classic brand, but there are other good ones, so use whichever one brings joy to your life
½ ounce crème de banana
½ ounce fresh squeezed lime juice
4 ounce grapefruit soda – I like Pink Ting, but Jarritos or Fresca would work well too
Roughly chop the jalapeño, and muddle it in the bottom of a cocktail shaker. (This means crush it with a cocktail muddler, a wooden spoon, or a small soda bottle.)
Add the dark and gold rums, then dry shake the mixture — shake it without ice. Flavorful chemicals in a chili pepper, including capsaicin, the one that makes it taste hot, are soluble in alcohol, but not in water, so shaking the crushed jalapeño with alcohol before adding any watery ingredients will help extract heat and flavor into the cocktail.
Add ice, the coconut cream, crème de banana, and lime juice, then shake again, until you hear the ice start to break up.
Strain the mixture over crushed ice in the fanciest glass you own, then top it with grapefruit soda and stir.
This drink is something truly rare in this weary world: a happy surprise. Rum and coconut obviously go well together, but the surprise comes in how much the jalapeño and lime add to this enterprise. We’ve established on many occasions that lime is everybody’s friend. It is super friendly with rum, and delightful with coconut, but if you think about it for a moment, it is also really, really good with chilis; think of a fresh salsa. The lime is a bridge from Spice City to Smooth Town, and the grapefruit soda is the water under it.
Featured Photo: The Daydream of Milky Joe. Photo by John Fladd.