As I skid into late middle age, I’ve had to face up to some limitations:
I think I’ve missed my window for running with the bulls in Pamplona.
I’m increasingly unlikely to ever rescue Minnie Driver from a gang of teenage miscreants with an impressive display of capoeira.
I’ll never be able to have my flunkies remove an undesirable party guest by telling them, “Show this cat to the door.”
But I do have an outside chance to meet one modest goal:
I’d like to be handsome.
I’m not talking about being consistently handsome or anything. I haven’t become completely detached from reality. I’d just like to clear the bar once or twice. I figure I’ve got about 10 years before that becomes an impossibility. I’ve been putting a plan into action that I call “Project Handsome.”
Again, at this point in my life, it’s vanishingly unlikely that I’ll be able to lose a lot of weight and achieve the chiseled physique that’s escaped me thus far. But there are other large, gray-haired men who have successfully solved the handsomeness problem.
Yes, other than Santa Claus.
And what do they have that I don’t? Aside from money and self-confidence?
They dress well.
Because I’m built more or less like a walrus, I find it hard to find good, adult clothing off the rack. So, a few months ago, I had an inspiration; I went to a tailor and had myself professionally measured, then ordered some bespoke clothing from a couple of online tailors. It turns out that I can afford nice clothing if I don’t actually go to a clothing store.
I ordered a vest from a tailor in the United Kingdom who specializes in Jane Austen-era clothing. It is far and away the nicest piece of clothing I own and will, inevitably, leave me for a classier fat guy. It had to be disappointed that I wore it to work its first time out, instead of an awards banquet or a royal horse race.
But it has inspired me to reformulate a classic British cocktail, the Tailor Made:
Internet Tailor
¼ ounce honey syrup (See below.)
1½ ounces bourbon – I’m still using Evan Williams. I like it.
½ ounce St. Germain, an elderflower liqueur
1 ounce fresh-squeezed pink grapefruit juice
1 ounce pomegranate juice
Dry-shake (without ice) the honey syrup and bourbon in a cocktail shaker to mix them thoroughly.
Add ice and the other ingredients. Shake until very cold.
Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a strip of grapefruit peel.
The key to this cocktail is the relatively modest amount of bourbon, which allows the drink to taste grown up but not too assertive. The very sour juices are balanced by the flavors of elderflower and honey. It is best drunk bracingly cold.
You may or may not look handsome drinking this, but you will feel at least 40 percent more handsome.
Honey syrup
Essentially this is a classic simple syrup but made with honey instead of white sugar. The better the honey you use, the classier your cocktails will taste.
Ingredients: Equal parts, by weight, of honey and water.
Add the honey and water to a small saucepan and heat over medium heat.
Bring to a boil, stirring occasionally.
Boil for 10 to 20 seconds, to make sure that the honey is completely dissolved.
Remove from heat, cool and bottle. Make sure you label your bottle and keep it in your refrigerator for a month or so.
Featured photo: A handsome drink. Photos courtesy of John Fladd.
