So, here’s the thing – if you asked me to describe myself, I’d say I’m a fairly regular, run-of-the-mill guy. “High maintenance” is not a phrase that springs to mind. I’m a mushroom and jalapeño pizza with a Diet Sunkist kind of guy.
And yet, “regular” and “run-of-the-mill” are apparently terms that cover a wide spectrum of standards.
I was talking recipes with a work friend, as one does, and mentioned this Indian dish I was really grooving on at the moment.
“What’s in it?” she asked suspiciously. Apparently, I have a reputation.
“That’s the great thing about this,” I told her. “Aside from paneer, it’s all stuff you have around the house.”
“What’s paneer?” she asked.
“A type of Indian cheese,” I said.
“Could I use cheddar?” she asked.
“Um, not really. Anyway, you basically just need some cashews, and—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” she interrupted. “When you say ‘cashews’, do you mean those nuts that fancy people serve at cocktail parties? Who keeps those in their house? I have seriously bought cashews maybe three times in my life.”
I assured her that they were easy to find, but completely flummoxed her when I mentioned cardamom.
“I’ve never even heard of that,” she informed me.
I’m not sure why I continued to describe the dish, because our communication gap just kept widening from there.
I mention this because I tried a new cocktail recipe this week. As I read over the ingredients, I was pleased to note with each one that I had it on hand:
“Pimm’s? Check. Elderflower liqueur? Also check. Gin? Very much, check.”
As I worked my way down the list, though, I realized that aside from lime juice and ice cubes, most people would not actually have any of these ingredients.
I wonder sometimes, if anybody actually makes any of the cocktails I develop, and I’m realistic enough to concede that the more exotic ingredients I call for, the less likely anyone is to actually try one of these drinks. I tried making the new cocktail with several shortcuts and substitutions that would bring it marginally more into the mainstream, and all of the variations were fine, but not as stunningly delicious as the exotic, labor-intensive version.
So, here’s what we’ll do — take out the best gin you have and make yourself a classic gin and tonic. Drink it while you make out your shopping list. You’ll feel braced and even a little sophisticated by the time you’re done.
Our high-maintenance drink is a riff on a cocktail called War of the Roses. I’ve taken some liberties with it, so it needs a new name. Based on the emotional scars I still have from watching the 1989 Kathleen Turner/Michael Douglas movie of the same name, I thought about calling this a Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but then I found out that there is a heavy metal band by the same name, and that’s not really the vibe I’m going for. I ended up settling for a simple, classic name: a Tudor Cocktail. The actual War of the Roses is where Henry VII defeated Richard III and became the first Tudor king of England.
Tudor Cocktail
Ingredients
- 1½ ounces Pimm’s No. 1, the liqueur usually used for making a Pimm’s Cup
- ¾ ounce cucumber-infused gin (see below)
- ¾ ounce St. Germain elderflower liqueur
- ¾ ounce fresh-squeezed lime juice
- ¼ ounce simple syrup
- dash Peychaud’s Bitters
- 0.4 grams fresh mint leaves
- 4 ice cubes
Bruise the mint by rolling it around between the palms of your hands, until it looks like sad spinach. Drop it into a cocktail shaker.
Add the rest of the ingredients and shake vigorously for about a minute.
Strain into a chilled coupé glass.
Garnish it, if you feel the need, but be aware that this drink is very confident in its own deliciousness and will give you some serious side-eye if you do.
Every ingredient in this drink makes its presence known. Yes, you can absolutely make this with regular gin, but the cucumber gin raises the taste to another level. I tried muddling a couple of slices of cucumber instead, and it was fine, but not as good. I also tried using cucumber syrup instead of simple syrup and that was fine too, but not transcendent.
Is this drink a project? Inarguably.
The good news is that once you’ve bought all the specialty alcohols and made the cucumber gin, you will have everything you need to drink a seriously injudicious number of these cocktails and recover, for a brief moment, a sense of wonder and an open heart.
Cucumber gin
Wash but don’t peel some cucumbers. The little Persian ones are really nice, but don’t stress over not finding any. Add equal amounts — by weight — of cucumbers and gin to a blender. Blend them on your lowest speed. The idea here is to chop the cucumbers finely enough to expose a lot of surface area to the gin, to help the infusion process. Pour the mixture into a wide-mouthed jar. Store in a cool, dark place for seven days, shaking twice per day. Strain and filter the gin.
You will be glad you did.
Featured photo. Tudor. Photo by John Fladd.