When I come back in my next life I’m going to concentrate on making serious money.
The plan would be to come back in the ’70s and head straight to Vegas to bet on all the games I know the outcome of already, like Biff in Back to the Future Part II. Then after I get banned from the casinos I take my winnings to Wall Street to buy stocks like CMGI when it was at $1 a share and dump it at $140 right before the tech bubble burst.Then I’d find young Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and be the angel investor for Apple and Microsoft, which would give me real money after the initial public offering.
All this would be for the purpose of going on a spending spree to buy my own professional teams and/or entire sports leagues or media-related entities so I could bring back good things that have faded away and eliminate insanities that have emerged as people are afraid to go against trends and say the emperor has no clothes.
I would do so emphatically if I owned any of the following.
Boston Red Sox
I’d fire the analytics department before I found my new office.
I’d hire a stadium architect to figure out a way to make up the equal number of seats that would be lost if they pulled out all the old/ancient seats at Fenway to put in modern replacements wide enough to actually be comfortable through a whole game. With the proviso that not a blade of grass will be changed on the playing field.
Then for on the field in 2023, I’d do the following;
(1) Fire Chaim Bloom as GM. No hard feelings, buddy. You’re just not my cup of tea.
(2) Sign Xander Bogaerts to a six-year deal at high market rates with the proviso that when Marcelo Mayer is ready he moves to center field, or third if Raffy Devers leaves or goes to first.
(3) Get seriously into the Aaron Judge sweepstakes to get the right fielder they need and make 3-4-5 in the order a bear, or to drive up the price for the Yankees to inhibit future spending.
(4) Give in to the bullpen-crazed world of today and make Chris Sale the closer, to save his arm, with Garrett Whitlock and Tanner Houck the set-up guys to lock up the last three innings.
(5) Entertain trade offers made on everyone else to reset the team with the right deals. Though it would take a whopper to send Devers away.
The Patriots
Don’t care if it takes 20 years, I’d sign Coach B to a lifetime contract to insure he makes it to win record 348 as a Patriot to go past Don Shula after his classless 2007 during the failed undefeated season, especially the “Beli-cheat” comments.
I’d go back to the colonial army-inspired blue and silver uniforms they won all their Super Bowls wearing, ’cause the new ones ain’t bringing them any luck.
To heck with the border war; I’d immediately put Bill Parcells in the team Hall of Fame because he’s the guy who resurrected the franchise when no one cared and set it on course to be the dynasty it became. The guy’s 81, time’s running out.
The Celtics
I’d dump the black uniforms with the green trim. Yuck.
On the belief you have to give up something to get something, I’d trade Jaylen Brown and Grant Williams to Cleveland for point guard Darius Garland and Evan Mobley because it would improve their ball handling, make them bigger up front and give them the eventual replacement for Al Horford. And if they want to dump Kevin Love’s $30 million expiring contract I’d take that on because it would give them $55 million to spend on free agency next summer.
Tell Jayson Tatum to stop whining about every foul call and bench him when he takes it to the extreme and sulks the rest of the game. I mean who gets kicked out of an exhibition game for getting techs?
If not traded, I’d make Grant Williams an inactive — coaching decision until he stops complaining about every call against him. Because he doesn’t understand it’s costing him the benefit of the doubt on 50-50 calls.
Major League Baseball
I’d ban all the stat geeks and robot managers like they’re going to do with the shift.
It would be illegal to take a pitcher out of any game with a no-hitter in progress.
Sports Media
All in-game coaches interviews with play underway would be banned.
It would be No Soup for anyone making contrived signature phrases to stand out, like John Sterling’s annoying “the Yaaankeees win.” Authentic ones that come out of the moment like Mike Gorman’s “Got it” or Marv Albert’s “Yes!” that make the experience better get big year-end bonuses.
Since “superstar” is the most inflationary, inaccurately used and overused word in sports, it would be a month’s suspension of press passes for using it to describe any player below the level of Tom Brady, LeBron James, Bobby Orr or Secretariat. And it’s a lifetime ban for anyone on my staff if Kyrie Irving is ever called that.
Finally, I do know CMGI came after Microsoft and Apple. But since it’s my fantasy I make the rules how I like. So this one goes back and forth in time as well. With stops in 1927 to see the Babe in person, 1941 for the 56-game hitting streak and as the Kid hit .406, 1951 to see the Giants win the pennant, 1962 to watch Wilt score 100, and 1970 to feel the electricity in MSG as he ended the suspense of whether he could or couldn’t play by drilling the elbow jumper to start the magical Willis Reed game.
Now, sadly, back to reality.
Email Dave Long at [email protected].
