At the Sofaplex 22/12/08

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (TV-14)

Chris Pratt, Dave Bautista.

And in addition to Quill (Pratt) and Drax (Bautista) we get Nebula (Karen Gillan), Kraglin (Sean Gunn), Mantis (Pom Klementieff), Groot (voice of Vin Diesel), Rocket (voice of Bradley Cooper), Cosmo the Russian cosmonaut dog (voice of Maria Bakalova) and, as the credits say, “introducing Kevin Bacon.” The gang decides Bacon, the awesome hero of Quill’s pre-space Earth memories, would be the perfect gift for a still-bummed-about-lost-Gamora Quill, especially since this happens to be the Earth season known as Christmastime. The Guardians retro rock vibe meshes well with some low-fi elements and the satisfying selection of modern rock Christmas music. The overall tone of this brisk 40-ish minute special is exactly the right mix of goofy (blessings to the very game Bacon), Marvelly and sweet. B+ Available on Disney+.

Spirited (PG-13)

Will Ferrell, Ryan Reynolds.

Ferrell and Reynolds work on exactly the level they should in this breezy musical riff on A Christmas Carol that feels like the spiritual descendant of 1988’s Scrooged, with Clint Briggs (Reynolds), labeled an unredeemable jerk by Jacob Marley (Patrick Page), as the focus of a Christmas-Carol-ing. Clint is a PR guy whose whole shtick is creating conflict and ruining lives to help his clients. To the Ghost of Christmas Present (Ferrell) that makes him a perfect candidate. His bad actions touch a lot of lives and he offers a much-needed challenge. But, despite the year of planning that goes into the project, the night doesn’t go as planned. For starters, Past (Sunita Mani) and Clint hook up and she exits his look-back early, because awkward. When Present steps in, he is irritated by Clint, particularly by how Clint has him questioning matters from his own life. Not helping is the fact that Present has a crush on Clint’s second-in-command, Kimberley (Octavia Spencer), who can see and talk to Present.

Spirited is cute, in the best way. It is fun to watch; there are some well-used cameos and a nice running joke about spon-con, and the songs are thoroughly enjoyable despite any lack of expertise by the actors called on to sing. B+ Available on Apple TV+.

The Hip Hop Nutcracker (TV-PG)

Cache Melvin, Dushaunt Fik-Shun Stegall.

A teenage Maria-Clara (Melvin) enjoys the start of a young romance with the Nutcracker (Stegall) while trying to rekindle the romance between her mom (Allison Holker) and pop (Stephen Boss) at a neighborhood block party on New Year’s Eve in this 44-minute remix reworking of the Nutcracker ballet. Toymaker Drosselmeyer (Comfort Fedoke) is still bringing the magic but this time the Land of Sweets is a dance club in a nonspecific back in the day when Maria-Clara’s parents first met. The staging is a fun way to play around with the familiar story, and the blend of classical ballet (including a short cameo from Mikhail Baryshnikov) with hip-hop dance is beautiful and technically impressive — something the special takes care to really let you see. If you like a good riff on a holiday standard, this fits the bill and I feel like it is a good way to introduce kids who might have only meh interest in standard ballet to the music and story elements. B+ Available on Disney+.

A Christmas Story Christmas (PG)

Peter Billingsly, Julie Hagerty.

Ralphie, the boy pining for a BB gun at Christmastime in 1940, is now Ralph, married to Sandy (Erinn Hayes), with kids — Mark (River Drosche) and Julie (Julianna Layne) — and living in Chicago. When his mom (Hagerty, taking over from Melinda Dillon, who played the mom in the 1983 A Christmas Story) calls to tell him his father has died, Ralph decides to take his family back to his Indiana town to spend Christmas with her in his childhood home. His mom insists that the family not be gloomy — Dad would have wanted us to have a great Christmas, she tells him. But Ralphie is not sure he can live up to the gold standard for Christmas celebration set by his dad. He also has an approaching deadline — he has spent the year trying to make it as a writer and finding no takers for his 2,000-page sci-fi novel.

This movie has cute moments featuring cast members of the original movie. But it is long and wearingly eager. Be Nostalgic! Feel the Holiday Cheer! Oh, That Ralphie! I would say, “It’s fine to have on while doing your holiday tasks,” but the original is available on the same streaming service, so why bother with this so-so imitation? C+ Available on HBO Max.

Violent Night (R)

Santa Claus gets bloody in Violent Night, an entertaining oddity of an action dark comedy holiday movie that is, despite a lead-character moppet and lots of Christmas Magic, the hardest of hard Rs and decidedly not for kids.

But also, were it not for the skull-crushing (accompanied by real A+ foley work) and the gushing fountains of blood, this is kind of a sweet and sentimental movie about family and Christmas. Very ew but also awww.

Young Trudy Lightstone’s (Leah Brady) Christmas wish is for her estranged parents, Linda (Alexis Louder) and Jason (Alex Hassell), to get back together. They sort of do so for Christmas at the heavily armed and protected compound of extremely wealthy grandma Gertrude Lightstone (Beverly D’Angelo), Jason’s mother. Trudy worries that Santa won’t know what she wants because Jason never took her to visit him. To make up for this, Jason finds an old walkie-talkie and gives it to Trudy, telling her it’s a magic device that will let her talk to Santa.

Little do any of them know that at that moment Santa Claus (David Harbour) is drowning his sorrow about the greed and faithlessness of the world with many beers. When he gets to the Lightstone mansion, he brightens at the homemade cookies Trudy has left for him and even more at the nearly 90-year-old whiskey he finds at the bar. He’s enjoying his treats while relaxing in a massage chair when he hears gunfire.

That would be Mr. Scrooge (John Leguizamo) and his band of Christmas-theme-code-named hired guns attacking the Lightstone compound. They take the family hostage to raid the safe that they’ve learned contains hundreds of millions of dollars in cash. Trudy uses her walkie to call Santa for help, and Santa, because he’s just killed a Scrooge henchman and now has his walkie, answers.

As it turns out, before he was Father Christmas, Santa was a giant-hammer-wielding Viking. Trying to help the true-believer Trudy rekindles both Santa’s Christmas spirit and his Viking bloodlust, and Harbor does a good job at selling both. Equally fun (and I think having fun) is D’Angelo, who is great as a hard-driving businesswoman with a mostly awful family. The mix of petty rich people, a plucky kid (Trudy has just seen Home Alone and took some notes), a bunch of “like pirates but dressed as elves” bad guys and the tenderhearted Viking Santa somehow works.

Violent Night doesn’t feel like a new holiday classic, but it is a tart little kick that somehow still brings some Christmas-y cheer. Cheer and gore. B

Rated super R for strong bloody violence, language throughout and some sexual references, according to the MPA on filmratings.com. Directed by Tommy Wirkola with a screenplay by Pat Casey and Josh Miller, Violent Night is an hour and 52 minutes long and distributed in theaters by Universal Studios.

Featured photo: Ralph Fiennes in The Menu.

Now is Not the Time to Panic, by Kevin Wilson

Now is Not the Time to Panic, by Kevin Wilson (Ecco, 243 pages)

It’s another mundane day in the suburban household of Frances Eleanor Budge when she picks up the phone and hears a writer for The New Yorker say, “The edge is a shantytown filled with gold seekers.”

Frances numbly replies, “We are fugitives and the law is skinny with hunger for us,” as her daughter bangs on drums in the background and her husband makes a household repair.

After hanging up, refusing to answer the writer’s questions, Frances reflects, “Our life, which was so boring and normal, was still happening. Right at this moment, as everything was changing, it was like my life didn’t know it yet.”

Thus begins Now is Not the Time to Panic, the new novel by Kevin Wilson, whose previous work includes The Family Fang and Nothing to See Here. From that strange phone call, it’s a wild, comic ride, as Wilson takes readers back 21 years to when Frances, or Frankie, as she was called, was a teenager with a secret.

The teenage Frankie, who lived with her mom and three triplet brothers in Tennessee, was an aspiring writer with a lot of time on her hands when she met Zeke, an aspiring artist. The two bonded over animosity toward their absent fathers, their misfit natures and their boredom.

One day, while trying to think of something to do, Frankie remembered that there was an old Xerox copier in her garage that her troublemaking brothers had stolen from a supply building at the high school. It had previously only been used to photocopy the triplets’ body parts, and now wasn’t working. But Zeke figured out that it was only a paper jam, which he fixed. “This could be fun,” he says. “We could do something weird with this.”

Zeke suggested that Frankie compose a few lines, “a mystery or riddle that no one can solve,” and that he would illustrate it. Frankie complied, and Zeke produced an illustration that was equally odd, with a hellscape of shacks with roofs caving in, wild dogs, children in beds and two “giant, disembodied hands, the fingers withered and jagged, almost glowing” reaching in the direction of the children.

That night, they distributed 63 copies of the poster around town – on telephone poles, in the windows of businesses, in random mailboxes. The next day, they made 300 more. “The whole experience felt like what drugs must have felt like,” Frankie reflects. “It was the high of doing something weird, not knowing the outcome. I imagined my wild brothers had felt this so many times that they were numb to it. But for Zeke and me, well-behaved dorks, it was amazing.” It took a while, but soon a local reporter wrote about the mysterious posters, which he deemed sophisticated, suggesting the quote came from a famous French poet. Zeke and Frankie continued to distribute them, unnoticed. Theories begin to pile up. Some people said the posters were the work of a drug cult and were an ominous threat. The newspaper ran a story under the headline “Evil comes to Coalfield.” Meanwhile, other people in the town started making copies of the poster and hanging them up, too. One person was putting them on top of a water tower when he fell off and died.

Eventually, the story goes national and makes it to 20/20 and Saturday Night Live, and reporting on it wins a Pulitzer for The New York Times, and someone opens a restaurant called “Skinny with Hunger” and so forth. The “Coalfield Panic” becomes so legendary that random people start taking credit for it, but they are shown to be hoaxes, and Frankie has lost touch with Zeke and gone on to live her ordinary life. Which is why she is so unnerved when the writer for The New Yorker, an art critic, starts calling repeatedly, threatening to expose her.

On one level, this sounds like a madcap adventure, something that Christopher Buckley (Thank You for Not Smoking, Florence of Arabia) would write. But there is a poignancy that underlies the story, which is billed as a coming-of-age novel but is much more. It’s also about the source and meaning of art, and about how events from the past forever influence our life. “You hold on to something for twenty years, the expectations and possibilities bend and twist alongside your actual life,” the adult Frankie says.

While the ending wasn’t what I had hoped for (and perhaps not what Frankie and Zeke would have wanted either), Now is Not the Time to Panic was a joy ride from start to finish and moves easily through its two-decade time span like a fast-flowing river. It’s not the great American novel but it doesn’t pretend to be. It’s something even better: a novel that makes you laugh and think and is simply a pleasure to read. B+

Album Reviews 22/12/08

-(16)-, Into Dust (Relapse Records)

Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I covered a sludge-metal album, which is weird, because I usually get a lot of jollies out of that genre: usually you can count on hearing stuff that treads some sort of middle ground between Black Sabbath and Melvins, depending on whether or not the singer can actually sing at all. These guys are from Los Angeles, and this, their eighth album, is more or less a conceptual trip that revolves around living a generally miserable life, starting with “Misfortune Teller,” a borderline math-metal joint in which an eviction notice is served to some poor dude in the wake of Hurricane Irma; singer and second-banana guitarist Bobby Ferry does a pretty good Crowbar imitation, indicating that their template pays obeisance to the genre’s gold standards. “Dead Eyes” is good stuff too, aping the vibe of early Ministry; “Scrape the Rocks” shoots for doomy Kyuss respectability and largely succeeds. A

Journey, Freedom (BMG Records)

Didn’t get to this one when it first landed in my inbox in July, but as always, it’s a good bet that half the people who were big fans of this arena-rock band back in the day are totally unaware that they are still at it. Yes, the legend continues, after guitarist Neil Schon married the bleached blonde who, with a previous loverboy, had somehow crashed an Obama party when he was still president, and then there was the one about how, after singer Steve Perry had had enough of it, they hired a new singer after seeing him karaokeing Journey tunes on YouTube. I’ll gladly cop actually to liking some of the jacked-hormone stuff that was on their 2005 full-length album Generations, and there’s more of that here, with the morose-rockout-morose opening tune “Together We Run,” the Escape-microwaving sounds of “Don’t Give Up On Us,” and so on. No new tricks here, but that’s the punchline; when you’ve become an AOR meme band there’s no need to ditch the original formula. A

Playlist

• Yikes, Dec. 9 already, and me with a mere paucity of albums to talk about, because all the albums have already been released and are being loaded onto Santa’s magic sleigh, to be dropped off at the homes of people who still buy things like albums and asbestos flooring! But wait a minute, folks, there are actually a few new records that have hit my all-seeing radar, starting with NIKSHOWW, a rapper from someplace or other, Google only found like 100 things associated with the guy, but he’s obviously a highbrow bookworm type, as he was a feat guest on Fiction Fake’s “L. A. U. G. H (Laugh at Ugly Generic Hoes),” which, you can tell by the title, is commonly played at retired accountants’ 50th wedding anniversary bashes. Oh, who is this guy anyway, let’s just move this along, his forthcoming new album, Anxiety Ridden Isolationist, his second. Not a lot of info to be found on this album, but his latest song on Spotify, “Fatal Shot,” is okay once you get past the subtle-ish Autotune. The beat is comprised of gloomy piano and (spoiler) trap drums, and his flow is pretty cool even though his lines (sample lyric: “Everybody that’s in tune knows I’m in a different lane / I will fulfill my dreams of controlling center stage”) are kind of — OK, massively — contrived and old, like if people rapped in ancient Egypt, these are the kinds of rhymes they spat for the entertainment of mummies and whatever. But that’s OK!

• French Montana is a rapper from Morocco, or more specifically Casablanca, the largest city in Morocco, and I shall talk briefly about his new album, Coke Boys 6, here in my column. Feats will include Max B, D Thang, Cheese, Kenzo B and Stove God; it’s the sixth installment of his Coke Boys mixtape series, the first since 2020’s Coke Boys 5. Montana’s mushmouthed style is fun in its way; there’s a sample of “Money Heist Edition” on Instagram if you’re curious to hear how “underground” he is (not very, judging by the rather unadventurous 1970s girl-group-flavored beat.

• The Lumineers are an alternative folk band from Denver, Colorado. They enjoy such healthy pastimes as playing unnecessary cellos and wearing cabbie hats in order to hide bald spots or Martian antennae, whichever. The band’s principals are heavily into Top 40 radio regulars like Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan and Tom Petty, so, no there is no black metal or chopped-and-screwed sampledelia on this album, a 10th Anniversary Edition of their debut LP, The Lumineers, but I did check for that just in case. “Stubborn Love” is probably the most popular tune from this album, a loping number you probably mistook for an Arcade Fire B-side the first time you heard it; definitely a Tom Petty vibe going on there.

• We’ll wrap up the week with singer/actress and iconic punk fixture Nina Hagen, who will release her 14th album, Unity, this week! Fun fact, when Angela Merkel ended her 16-year chancellorship of Germany last December, she chose Hagen’s song “Du hast den Farbfilm vergessen (You Forgot the Colour Film)” as one of the three tunes to be played at her Großer Zapfenstreich military leaving ceremony. Yes, that’s what happens to old punks, they become the opposite of punk. The title track of this new album is a funky, Warhol-esque pastiche of “woke” epithets and bad singing, but don’t let that stop you.

If you’re in a local band, now’s a great time to let me know about your EP, your single, whatever’s on your mind. Let me know how you’re holding yourself together without being able to play shows or jam with your homies. Send a recipe for keema matar. Message me on Twitter (@esaeger) or Facebook (eric.saeger.9).

Wine for the host

Give the gift of bubbles or reds

At this “most wonderful time of the year,” there will be plenty of dinners, parties and gatherings of all sorts, and you want to bring something special to the host, your favorite family member or good friends, but you may not know what they will be serving or where exactly their tastes may lie. I offer the following suggestions of a wine to bring along to your next event or to gift.

Nothing says celebration like Champagne! There are many to choose from, and they need not be expensive. Among the many offered, I recommend the Moët & Chandon Brut Impérial (available at the New Hampshire Liquor & Wine Outlets, priced at $44.99, reduced to $41.99). This is one of the most sought-after Champagne brands in the world, with almost three centuries of history behind it. The color is that of golden straw, with a very slight green highlight carried in the glass. To the eye it is, what else? Sparkling! The nose is full of green apples along with some citrus, minerality and the yeast of a fresh brioche. To the tongue there are notes of apple, peach and pear carried through on the fine, tiny bubbles. This is a wine to be savored with the best of company and should never make its way to the bar alongside the buffet.

Our next wine comes from the winery of Joseph Carr, the 2020 Josh Cellars Central Coast Pinot Noir, (available at the New Hampshire Liquor & Wine Outlets, priced at $17.49, reduced to $14.45). The color is a rich ruby red with slight blue notes. The nose has cherry and strawberry that carry through to the tongue, adding a bit of chocolate, ending with notes of smoke or leather, coming from the toasted oak. This is an all-around, all-purpose wine that can be paired with a roast turkey on the sideboard, or served alongside soft cheeses like brie and Comté, or stuffed mushrooms and roasted vegetables. This wine comes from prime pinot noir producing regions that include Arroyo Seco, Monterey and Santa Lucia.

Our third wine is a 2019 Decoy Red Wine (available at the New Hampshire Liquor & Wine Outlets, priced at $22.99, reduced to $19.99). This wine is a blend of 35 percent cabernet sauvignon, 27 percent merlot, 16 percent zinfandel, 8 percent petite sirah, 5 percent malbec, 5 percent petite verdot, 2 percent syrah and 2 percent carignan. With a deep red color, this wine has full aromas of blackberry, plum and dark cherries, with hints of spice. There are supple tannins in this full-mouth lush wine that is perfect for pairing with that prime rib holiday roast! While priced to be placed on that bar, alongside the buffet, this wine can be thoroughly enjoyed at an elegant dinner party.

Raspberry jalapeño spread

Another weekend, another social gathering, right? If it is an at-home occasion, you may need to bring an appetizer to share. Since we are all busy hustling and bustling, why not bring a homemade snack that is simple yet addictively delicious?

This recipe is a play on the ’80s classic of cream cheese topped with jam. However, it is a recipe with much more depth but not much more effort. First, we are starting with goat cheese. While cream cheese is nice and creamy, its flavor is one note. Goat cheese offers a nice bit of tanginess for the base. Then we get to control the flavor of the spread topping the goat cheese. Raspberries are the star, but there are other elements. Sugar is added to brighten the fruit. Feel free to add half the amount and check for sweetness levels. Finally, there is minced jalapeño. Nothing like a little heat to make a snack more memorable. Of course, you also can adjust the amount of heat. Like minimal heat? Use only half the jalapeño. Like a lot of heat? Include the ribs and seeds.

Now, the only decision you have to make is the type of crackers to serve with this spread. I personally like a whole-wheat cracker for the crunch and flavor, but the options are limitless.

Make the raspberry jalapeño spread early in the day and let it chill all day long. When it’s party time, simply pour it over your goat cheese, grab your crackers, and you’re ready to go!

Raspberry jalapeño spread
Serves 4-6

2 cups fresh or frozen raspberries
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 jalapeño, seeds and ribs removed
8 ounces goat cheese
Crackers

Combine raspberries and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat.
Stir occasionally, using some force to smash the raspberries.
Dice jalapeño finely.
When sugar is dissolved, add jalapeno.
After spread begins to boil, reduce heat to low and simmer for 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until the spread thickens.
Remove from heat; refrigerate until chilled, about 2 hours.
Place goat cheese on a small serving plate; top with raspberry spread.
Serve with crackers.

Featured Photo: Raspberry jalapeño spread. Photo by Michele Pesula Kuegler.

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